Life's Journey...my path towards good health

Leaving this part of the journey...

2010-01-03T19:59:00.002-05:00

Well in effort to begin the new me I've started a brand new website. So if there were any readers out there email me with your website address and I'll send you the new website address. Thank you for reading and see you on the other side. here's to an unforgettable 2010.

Trying to get on track

2009-09-14T17:30:00.001-04:00

I really miss blogging, but I feel like I would be doing nothing but complaining and I want to be positive and make progress. Well that is very hard when you aren't trying hard enough. Since the year started I have been trying to get myself on track to no avail. I've been buying healthy food, but it goes bad before I eat it. I think about going to the gym all the time. Well mostly when I am at work, but of course I don't have gym clothes with me and the fire in me has died by the time I get home, and then I decide to go in the morning, but I roll over at the thought. It's not because I don't wake up. My husband's alarm clock goes off at 6am everyday, so it not that I can't get up I'd just rather turn over and go to sleep. I've come to the realization that I have to just do it whether I like it or not. If I give my self a choice I will 95% of the time select the wrong one.

I know I have many things to motivate me, but they just don't seem to be enough and if those aren't what is. The two biggest are that I want to lose weight before my husband and I start trying to get pregnant and the other is I've started dancing at church. It's called liturgical dance and I've been dying to do it ever since I started attending this church, but there is a long process that you must go through (more about that later). The dances have a lot of choreography and the latest one is killing me so much so that I die about two thirds of the way through the dance. I MUST build up my stamina. The leadership team is continually asking us why are we here. The answer is to praise God. I wanted to dance to feel free praising God through movement. I am a pretty up tight, but when I have choreography I feel free and when the song we are dancing to really hits home and I connect with the movement I feel that connection to God, its indescribable. But I really can't have that feeling if I'm huffing and puffing.

I just celebrated by 28th birthday yesterday and looking at the number makes me realized that I am still young even though I feel older. My current weight is 248 pounds even. I have NEVER weighed this much in my entire life. I REFUSE to allow myself to become 250 pounds or more. If I don't have a good enough reason, that is one by far is the largest. This can not be my life, I can not continue to feel this way, I must take control.

Disgusted!

2009-04-27T10:21:00.001-04:00

Okay, right now I?m pretty disgusted with myself. I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 237 pounds even. What is wrong with me? I thought I was feeling the fitness and healthy eating bug, but it has not been converted into actions. So, today I have to devise a new plan and one that means no more eating out or limit it to one meal a week. I must stop thinking so far into the future and focus on weekly goals. This means that I must be held accountable for everything that I do. My husband was in shock that he gained 8 lbs. in one week and I was unsympathetic, but now that I?ve gotten on the scale and can see that I?ve gained 5 in one week, we both have a problem.

Just yesterday I was telling him how much I hate to cook because we have such a small kitchen (I mean less than 1 square foot of counter space) and the fact that he doesn?t like my cooking. I say this because every time I do cook he will always add something to it without even tasting it. He says that he does it to everything. I always tell him to taste before he touches it, but he says that?s just what he does. So in my mind that makes me assume that he assumes that whatever I have done or anyone else for that matter hasn?t done enough to make the food taste good and that is very frustrating to me. The final frustrating part is cooking is a long process for me that I don?t like to do often. So if I make a meal that would normally last me 4 days is gone in 1 because he eats so much or takes if for lunch the next day. It almost seems as if he has a contest with himself how fast he can eat us out of house and home?lol. So, if I cook and it?s gone in a day I don?t feel like doing it again and would rather eat out.

I told him all of this yesterday. He says that he can change, and that I haven?t given him enough opportunities. I know I like to focus on me because adding someone else makes things harder. How can I focus on two when I can?t even get focused on one? So then the problem shifts to how he always think about everything in terms of us and ours, while I?m still about me. First of all most people who are married have been together a lot longer to work out those kinks. Technically we have been together for 2 years and 2 months and have been married for eight of those months. He?s never really been by himself to have anything called his own and has had people to do things for him. I on the other hand have been living by myself for 6 years and have had a lifetime of thinking of others because I?m not an only child like him. As an only child you don?t have to fight for what?s yours in a family or for you place, so we are coming from two different backgrounds.

And then somehow he got on the topic of children. He co-worker is 3 or 4 months pregnant and was married after us. I was in shock because they didn?t even make it to their one month anniversary. Then of course my husband thinks that everybody gets pregnant in their first year of marriage or at least the crazies in his circle does. Then I ask him how long were they together. Well in the specific case that brought up the subject they were together for 5 years, HUGE difference, and some of the others were around three. We are close to neither one of those markers. He?s willing to wait, but it annoys me that 2 or 3 instances can prove a theory for him and become law and that the only reason he is waiting is for me. Hell I?ll make him wait longer to be spiteful. Okay I know that?s not nice, but we really need to work out us, have time for us, and get use to living with us. And not to mention, have a house with a real kitchen in it. Let us handle the basics before we move on to the more complex problems.

Tired

2009-03-24T12:57:00.001-04:00

This morning I am tired. I didn?t wake up naturally because I had to get up early to have some blood work done. In order to participate in the dance program at church I must have a doctor fill out a form which meant I must have a physical. Normally these things go very quickly so I never do them because I feel like what is the point. Well this time it was different.

First I was debating whether or not to tell her everything because it would hurt me if she told me that I couldn?t participate in the program. Then again if I didn?t and something is really wrong with me it would only hurt me in the long run. So I told her everything, normally I would forget the small things, but not this time.

I forgot to mention that it was my first time seeing this doctor and the last time I had a physical was 2003 maybe 2004. So I ran down my list of ailments. First, my knees bother me from time to time. I had an MRI done in 2002 and they said that there was nothing wrong except that I have slight arthritis in my knees ?but it shouldn?t be causing me pain?. Then, there are the pains that I have been feeling in my chest, sharp pains that take my breath away. And lastly, (sorry for the grossness) I see red stuff maybe blood in my #2. That?s all I?ll say about that?lol.

Well because of the heart thing I had an EKG performed and then she also did a sonogram of my heart, which I must say was pretty cool to watch. She found nothing wrong on each, so the last test is for me to have an EKG stress test, hopefully all goes well. That?s on Thursday.

I had blood work done this morning to check my sugar levels, thyroid, liver, cholesterol, and I few other things I think. We should know the results of those in a day.

The cherry on top is that I have so much wax in my right ear that she was surprised that I could even hear?lol. That appointment is on Friday. Well by the end of this week I should be fixed/diagnosed and hopefully cleared to dance.

I finally weighed in this morning and I think I?ve been the same weight for the last 2 weeks or so 232.4lbs. I must say I?m grateful and disappointed at the same time. I am grateful that I didn?t gain weight, but I?m upset with myself that I didn?t do anything to help myself lose weight. I have been watching what I eat a bit, but not enough. I have some pretty aggressive goals, so I must get to work.

My husband is helping me, he made an awesome dinner last night for the most part was healthy. He?s trying to become my inspiration. It helps, but I have to simply get up and move. Here?s to making better choices today.

Feeling Positive

2009-03-18T10:58:00.001-04:00

I have created multiple things to motivate me to lose weight. I have three the first is my husband's 30th birthday is approaching and I want to him (okay me) to be proud to have me standing next to him. Secretly I want people to think how did he get her because she's so hot...lol. The next is we are going on vacation at the end of August for our first anniversary and I want to look hot. Better than I looked at the wedding. And finally my favorite is that I have begun to dance at church and it's really taxing, so I have to build up my stamina and strength. This means the by product of that is I will lose weight.

I think I am most excited about the last. Because I've been waiting to do this for so long. I use to dance at my church when I was in college and I loved it. There we called it Praise dancing. It's a whole new ball game now because they are very serious about technique at my current church and I want to get it. The performances will be in front of huge congregations. This makes me a bit nervous, but when I hear gospel music I want to move and in a group choreographed I think I will feel less nervous.

I'm currently in training, so this means I'm not 100% in but I'm going to try my hardest. My husband is really proud of me for trying out for something that I really want to do. I love that man. I honestly think I could not look bad in his eyes. That is why anything I say I want to do for him is really for me because he thinks I'm fine just the way I am.

Sometimes I think that this is trouble because I figure why work hard when I already have someone who loves me for me. But then I know if I don't feel good then it doesn't matter what he feels.

I currently have been feeling the bug that I want to hit the gym and hard, but I am having trouble with trying to determine what it is that I want to do. I have training sessions left that I don't want to use right now. I know I still have to call him, but then I don't want to because he'll say that I need to come in anyway. Which to me is wasting the sessions if I haven't been consistent. The starting and stopping.

I have done what I do best, spend money to get me motivated. I purchased an out fit to take progress pictures. I think I will take my start pictures tonight. I don't know if I'll post them just yet, but we'll see.

Have a blessed day everyone!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

2009-02-26T19:27:00.003-05:00

Well I thought blogger was no longer blocked at my job, but it is. I've been meaning to come home and learn how to post from email, but I keep forgetting. I really don't want to be on these things after work. Maybe that's what I'll do weekly Saturday morning weigh ins and posts.

Well where am I in terms of weight I am all the way back at the beginning, meaning high school. After high school I was able to control more of the things that I did and had the freedom of being away from home and being able to learn about myself without harsh criticisms. Meaning my family. My husband says that they don't mean any harm but then again he understands where I get my bluntness from.

Anywho, This month so far I've gone to the gym 9 times. I know that it doesn't seem like much but it helps when your trying to motivate yourself. The eating hasn't been okay, but I'm trying to handle that now.

Yesterday was the start of lent and my church prescribes a semi fast for the 40 days. I call it semi because we don't fully give up food at any point unless you are lead to do so, but you do give up sweets, fast/junk food, and red meats and scavenger fish. My sister said last year that "That's not a fast, that's a diet"...lol. I kind of agree, but I get the point it is to help purify the body like a fast, but that's not all you are suppose to pray more during the fast as well as read and study the bible more. They even put out chapters in the bible to read everyday during the fast. I'm already behind in the reading because I can't find my paper. I'll have to get a new one and catch up over the weekend.

Even though I am not suppose to view it as a diet I can use it to reap the benefits. I've already gone to the gym 3 days this week and I plan to finish out the week strong by going tomorrow and Saturday.

I leave for another state on Sunday for my job, but I'm not worried. I know how to make better choices food wise and I've been there before so I know that the hotel has an awesome gym that I just have to utilize.

I told my trainer that I want to go back to boxing because I enjoyed it. He tells me it's for people with more stamina and who comes to the gym regularly. I asked him if I come to the gym for the next three weeks can we do it and he said he'll think about. I don't know I'm not feeling him any more. I don't know if he doesn't care or I just need to move on to planning my own workouts again. I miss lifting heavy weight and being about to chart my progress. With him we do so many different things that I don't know. That and his attitude was stank this week, he can be moody like a woman sometimes...lol.

Here's to staying positive and moving forward and learning how to post from email...lol. Later peeps.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

2009-01-27T11:38:00.003-05:00

Well I know it has been a long time, but I am trying to get back onto the wagon again.

The wedding was beautiful. I forgot a few things, but I'm not sure many people even notices. The day flew by so fast, but because of all of the warnings we received we made sure we ate the food we paid for...lol.

So I've gained about 27lbs. since the wedding. What's the reason you ask? Well I simply stopped everything again. I had my man, my beautiful wedding, what else could I ask for. Well now I know it should have been to maintain a healthy body.

I know I have to stop focusing so much on weight and more about being healthy and the weight will leave soon enough. I know that I always have, but it is really hard to start. I've been using sparkpeople to help me define and track healthy habits. But I still love my FitDay PC version, it has better metrics or at least the ones that I am use to.

I still have a lot of left over nutrisystem stuff so I believe I still will be eating it for the next two months. I don’t want to waste it. I thought about giving it to someone, but I would be upset if they didn’t use it properly especially because they didn’t have to pay for it. Is that wrong…lol.

I see my trainer again tomorrow. He was better this time when I didn’t call him. I guess he knows not to take it personally and that I was out of the country. I was in France by the way, it was nice. I have to have a talk with him, because I think he will be still focused on weight loss, but I really want to feel stronger.

I kind of miss working out with heavier weights and seeing how hard I can push myself. From what I remember about working out with him, I don’t have a way to measure progress, because we were doing so many different things. I’ll talk to him.

I really need to get back to where I was, I was a steady size 14 for the longest, now I feel that I might be a 20 squeezing into 18’s. I’m literally back at the beginning and I mean the very beginning, before I discovered the wonderful world of blogging and online support. I am going to say it. I am 230lbs. Okay it’s about 10lbs shy of the high, but around this is where I’ve spent most of my life. I didn’t like it then and I don’t want to now.

I will say I do have a different view of myself. Maybe because I still think sometimes I’m a size 14…lol. But then again, I know I am not as mean to myself and that everything goes wrong because I am fat. I’ve lived a little and have learned some things in the past 10 years. I know that being thin isn’t what going to make me completely happy. What happens is when you reach one goal that you think will make you happy another monster will pop up.

I know that now, my weight can’t make me happy, my husband can’t make me happy, the amount of money I make can’t make me happy, I need to just be happy and thankful to be me and be the best me.

Don’t ask me where all this is coming from, but I’m feeling it.

On another note, what prompted me to write is for some reason, by job no longer blocks blogger, so I am able to post. I not that is no excuse for not writing, but I do a lot at work, because when I go home, I do not want to even look at the computer.

Here’s to many more posts in the new year!

One Week Before The Big Day

2008-08-24T14:55:00.002-04:00

In one week people I'll be a married woman. One of the most happiest days of my life and in the end I didn't do what I was suppose to do to look my very best. I can say that I've had some real challenges to over come. I did lose weight, but not to the extent that I wanted to. But I am okay. My wedding is just one day in my life which signifies the start of a new life with my husband. I am looking forward to it.

In some ways I feel like he's a mirror to help me change the bad things about myself. I think it is because he has a child-like innocence. This can be refreshing or annoying you just have to see what they day brings. I love this man and am excited. I don't think I made the wrong choice or too soon. I believe more time might have made me miss out on the best thing that has ever happened to me.

So I have already made my self committed to becoming the hottest wife out there...lol. Just because one big day is coming and going and I am not at my best doesn't mean that there won't be more special days together. So hopefully, like I have said many times before, I will be able to write more as I ease into my new life and new routine.

Hopefully I'll be writing soon. Later people. (Do I still have people, probably not. It's okay, I write for me, not for comments, they're just nice to see someone's listening to your rants...lol)

Choices

2008-05-20T16:04:00.003-04:00

I know when I started nutrisystem what I was purchasing was the right to give away my right to choose. But traveling adds more unforeseen choices. Maybe unforeseen is the wrong word because I knew there would be battles, but not to this level.

Not too long ago I had a serious war going on in my head. In my hotel room I do not have a microwave. The only way to do it is to ask someone it the kitchen to do it for you. The first thing that comes is the embarrassment. Then there is the in room menu that has so many entrees calling your name. I looked through the menu with the intention of ordering, because I embarrass so easily. It's funny I act as if people can't tell that I am fat and need to lose weight. I even picked out what I really wanted, but then it hit me. Do I really want to do this to myself. Do I really want my efforts of trying to eat right to be in vain, or should I say paying to eat right to go down the drain.

Then I thought of me really wanting to be smaller in my wedding dress and how I want J to be so proud of me when he sees me coming down that isle. I know he would love me anyway, but I want to maintain that happiness by being happy with myself to pour out onto him. I don't want him to be tired of me always being on a strict diet and being mean to myself.

I said all that to say that the struggle in my head was real. I really felt the tugging wanting to go both ways, giving all of the excuses and arguments in the world. In the end, I got over my embarrassment and brought my food down to the kitchen. Now I am so happy with myself I danced all around the room. I just have to remember to keep making the right decision and things will happen. Now tomorrow I must make the right decision to go to the gym...lol.

Until then people

Monday, May 19, 2008 - Long time no see!

2008-05-19T14:00:00.000-04:00

I am in desperate mode. I tried to get nutrisystem assuming every place has a microwave, but of course this place does not, neither at the affiliate (where I am working) nor the hotel. Okay that is almost a lie because I haven’t tried the hotel’s system yet, but it is not looking good and I do not know what to do. I am hurt to my core. I thought that I finally had something that would make me fit into my wedding dress. Okay now my fantasy is to lose so much weight that they have to reconstruct the dress. Maybe I wanted to do too much. Lindsay said that they have healthy things for lunch. I say hog wash. Okay barely, but I am going to have to devise a plan for three weeks. The only thing I can think of is hitting the gym extremely hard.

So far nothing here has been good except for the scenery. The hotel is freezing cold and they have turned off the heat, and the heater they gave me keeps shutting down. The other fun thing was driving on the other side of the high way. I think I forgot to mention at the beginning of my rant is that I am in England for work for three weeks. I miss home, I miss my baby (my fiancé), and I am just overwhelmed. I have so much to do on my mind that I will have to set priorities to them.

I guess I have to give an update of my life because I have been away so long. Well I was 217.4lbs when I left two days ago for the UK. My new job has its perks and some let downs. I’m getting married in just over three months. I’m still studying for the CPA exam, but I have finally passed two parts, just two to go. That’s it in a nutshell. Everything has made me feel so unsteady. I am no longer comfortable with my position in life ever since I lost my job. I need to really get my life on track and somewhere I can be comfortable. My fiancé makes me comfortable, but that is only one area of my life. That is why they always say never count on someone else for your happiness. They can fix everything only one area.

I am also sleep deprived. I couldn’t quite sleep on the plane. I couldn’t sleep in the freezing cold of the hotel during the afternoon. I went to bed at midnight, didn’t sleep well, and the woke up at 6am and finally felt tired enough to sleep, but had to get up a 7am, which is the equivalent of 2am. That means even though I have been up all day and have 4 hours of work left my body is telling me it’s only 8:30am and I need a nap. The time difference is killing me. It is 5 hours ahead. Hopefully tonight I will sleep good and I’ll be fine.

So about my hiatus, I didn’t mean to, I just realized that I only write on my blog at work and hate to even really look at a computer at night. But I am writing this post, at work, in the hopes that I will post it when I get back to the hotel. The TV isn’t that great here so I will be looking for distracters.

Until next time people!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

2008-02-06T09:51:00.000-05:00

Well everyone the date is set. J and I are getting married August 31, 2008. I know that is right around the corner, but I truly believe that it is doable. The few road blocks that are in the way are my mother and my not being able to decide on a color.

My mother doesn’t like that it’s on a Sunday and early on Sunday that she would miss church. So with the least amount of any emotion I told her that she could go to church if she’d like. I think she was half sleep because she actually said, well I don’t know. I’m so glad that I have my sister. She didn’t like the idea of the time of day (it’s 10:30am), but she has jumped on board as if it didn’t matter. I’m not asking my mom to agree with my decision, just support me as long as I’m not harming myself or anyone else.

As for my colors I’m at a loss. I have ideas, but I don’t think you can happily choose a color without knowing what dress you want to have for your bridesmaids. I want to start doing so much my I can’t without knowing this simple detail. I’ll settle this soon.

Now on the weight front I’ve started my journey again this week no official nothings, I just have gone to the gym three days and a row and plan on going again tonight. I’m excited at the prospect of loosing a lot of weight, but scared at the same time because I have never lost a lot consistently. I have 7 months to the day to look my best. Wish me luck. I actually have given myself the time line of losing as much as possible over the next 3 months, then start trying on wedding dresses, and at the end of the 4th month order a dress, but one size smaller so I will then have 3 months to lose one dress size. I know it sounds crazy, but I think it’s very doable. Kind of do or die, or die from not being able to fit your wedding dress.

I am really excited about everything. I’m marrying one of the most wonderful men in the world. I believe he was made perfectly for me and me for him. I want to feel at my best for my wedding day so I’m excited at the challenge, but again I am realistic I’m just going to try my hardest.

I’ve started my new job and so far so good. I’ll tell more later. Must get back to work.

Happy Belated New Year!

2008-01-03T09:37:00.000-05:00

Well people it has been a long time. And I must tell you a lot has happened. Shall we start with the good news or the bad? Okay let’s go with the bad. The most important to this blog is the fact that I am continuing to gain weight. As of this morning I weight 222lbs. But trust me I have great motivation now, but we will get into that later. At the beginning of December I was fired from my job. Never in my life has this happened to me. Every time I go to recount the story it makes my blood boil. I’ll leave it at it’s all about who you know and people who abuse power.

Okay I can’t, this heifer created this story through out my appraisal for the job I worked with her on. The normal process would have been that she and I would discuss it make changes where we don’t agree and then it goes into my file until the year end review, which is in May. No this heifer skips me and the system sends it to HR because she knows that the majority of the crap she put in would have come out if it went through me.

So, the Friday before I get back from vacation I get this email from a partner saying that I should see her at 9am, Monday morning and no matter what I have to do make the arrangements. So I knew something was wrong. Let me take a step back. The reason why I felt something was wrong was because before I had made the mistake of forwarding on an email from the heifer to the associates where she doesn’t use a nice tone of words that she was directing towards me, but it was really to them because I couldn’t force them, so I figured if they heard it from her the would move faster. Big mistake. See by doing this I am tarnishing her reputation of being a nice manager, which she is not. An associate emails me back to say that she’s done and cc’s the manager where she can read all the previous messages including her own. The manager emails me even more furious and I believe thus plots her revenge.

Small, yes, but had major consequences. I can’t think of anything else that I could have done to her to make you be, so vicious. Reputation is big in the company no matter what level, who knew? Also, on the bad side I failed another exam this time by 5 points, these people are killing me and stealing my money…lol.

So, on to the good news, well I did pass one exam and not by the skin of my teeth. Yay! Now three more to go, I will take another in a couple of weeks, and since I have the time I will pass I must. Next, today I will be accepting a position with a fragrance and skincare company. It will be in internal audit, which I didn’t want to do in the beginning, but this one sounded cool. I get to travel all over the world for a couple of weeks at least 4 or 5 times a year. Now for the biggy, drum roll please……

J and I are engaged! It happened last Saturday. We went to see a movie at this old fashioned movie theatre. During the previews the song "So High" by John Legend started playing and then my picture shows up on the screen. He created a slide show of pictures of me and him with sayings in between the pictures. After the last picture the saying said "I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you" and then there was a video of him asking me to marry him. And then he does the same thing next to me and of course I said yes. The whole thing was so sweet.

I was so surprised and boo hoo crying. I have a video and a video of my reaction. So, when I figure out the best way to share I will. It’s been fast, but it feels so right. Especially being a very careful and untrusting person that I am. I am diving head first and I’m not even afraid. He is the best guy for me he compliments me in every way as well as having things in common. I thank God.

Now you can see my new weight loss motivation.

Happy new year!

Monday, November 5, 2007

2007-11-05T09:27:00.000-05:00

I have reached a new high since I have been losing weight. I am currently 219lbs. Ouch! I know it is my nature to lose a bunch of weight and then gain a bit back, but never all or more than half. So over the past two years you have seen a graph that has always been on a downward slope until this year. I blame a lot of it on my not placing fitness and eating right as a priority once I started dating my boyfriend.

I tried in the beginning. I even remember how he and his mom would mock me on how most things that I ate were fat free or low fat. I wish that statement was still true because full fat has been my friend. It tastes so good. You don't realize how good something is until you haven't had it for awhile. My favorite example of this is eating a simple sandwich with cheese. I has stop adding cheese because I couldn't taste the difference, but when I went back to it I couldn't have a sandwich without it.

The other part that has added to the massive weight gain is our favorite dinner and a movie activity. This is an expensive habit to both your pocket and your waistline. In the beginning we were trying to stay active. We would go swimming at the Y or play racquetball as forms of exercise that we could do together. But of course all that has stopped when it happened I don't know.

So for the past 2 months I have been promising saying that I am going to get back on track, but have only made half-assed attempts. I have seemed to inspire him, but somehow I didn't catch the spark myself. Again as always I am trying again. I really don't like the way I look and I know that if that is the case I should do something about it, which I am. Here's to starting one more time.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

2007-10-03T16:17:00.000-04:00

I took another blow yesterday. I didn't pass the exam that I had taken at the end of August. It really hurts this time. Why? Because this time I actually studied. I'm sure I will always believe that I didn't study enough. I missed it by 3 points. I think that hurt more than if I had missed it by a landslide. I'm hurt because it makes me feel like I'll never be good enough.

I'm very bad in the sense that I start beating myself up by compacting all of my disappointments together. I received a bad over all review at my job, I need to pass this exam if I am going to leave this firm, and I can't seem to lose a pound to save my life. I feel like such a failure. This is why I never told anyone when I would go and take an exam. First of all because I knew I had not studied properly and two, I wouldn't disappoint anyone. Now I have to tell everyone that I failed.

My boyfriend comes over and of course the water works begin again. He just does that to me sometimes. I think I'm done and seeing him look at me starts them again. With all that is going wrong I feel like I don't deserve to have anyone in my life right now. Maybe I'd might be more on track if he wasn't around. It is not his fault. It is I who never learned how to study or who won't spend the time. To be disciplined. I told him he should go and find someone else, because I will end up having to sell my butt on the streets.

I know I'm dramatic, but that is how I feel sometimes. It's not going to work out for me this time like everything else did. As if my luck has finally run out. I always knew it wasn't me, but everything just kept going my way.

I have to pass that exam before June, but according to my time plan it seems as if it is going to be impossible. I can NOT leave with out my license. I know this is just one part of 4 that I have failed, but it makes me not want to continue. I don't want to pay for it anymore.

I'm not doing too bad eating wise. I hit the gym last week 4 days, and I am aiming to do the same this week. I have had a few food stumbles, but hopefully that won't hinder me too much.

Thanks for listening.

Guess who is…

2007-09-25T16:54:00.000-04:00

Starting over again. But I'm for real this time…lol. I have started back at the gym this past Saturday and have gone twice this week already. My eating has been good. I haven't been counting, but I have been making good choices. I got my hair braided this past weekend as well. This has always been a motivating factor for me because one of my biggest excuses is that my hair is suffering…lol. Honestly, gym day has always equalled bad hair day, so one way around it is to get braids. I very strapped for money, so for $200 I better be at the gym everyday.

Everything else has been going well. My job seems like something good will happen this year. I just hope it does. I don't think I can take another bad year. Or maybe it will be my push to do something better with my life. I am still working on the CPA exam. I have taken one part and I take the next two at the end of the each of next two months.

My boyfriend's mom asked me yesterday if I had passed the part I had taken or not. I didn't know yet, but I just don't want to tell her if I didn't pass. I don't want to feel like I'm letting someone down or that I am not good enough. His mom and step dad are scholars, and I am not. I just got lucky with accounting, but this test is no joke. This is the very reason why I don't tell people when I have something important like this because I don't want to feel bad if it doesn't happen. It's not for them is for me. So I can be happy or sad about my own achievements or disappointments.

This is the debate that I have in my head in regard to my own children. My mom never checked my homework or asked how I was doing in my classes. If the grade wasn't below a "D" she was okay. So then I look at myself I note that when I got to college I was striving to achieve good grades for myself not because someone else wanted me to. But on the flip side I wish I had someone who showed that they cared a little bit more, because then I could have been pushed to my potential in high school and could have received more scholarships to college. But then would it have been for me and would I have continued the patterns that I had learned?

I have to find a happy medium for my kids because I want for them to do well but to also learn how to things because it is something that will make themselves feel proud.

I'm way too far into my own head today.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

2007-08-29T10:57:00.000-04:00

Right now I'm currently in training for work. I have been partially studying, but not with too much effort and not really paying attention when I really should be.

What is wrong with me? I am still not doing what I am supposed to be. And to top it all off I am in training for the week in which they have dessert after every meal that I can't resist. I am staying in a hotel in Times Square because one the company is paying for it and two class starts too early in the morning. J is going to come and visit tonight. I wish my company wasn't so cheap that they make us have roommates. I would have had J stay with me.

This past weekend was my sister's 30th Birthday party. I promise you I can hold my liquor, but I only had two strong drinks and I was really trashed. My sister said that I was talking a lot and sounded like a drunk white girl. I guess because suddenly I began speaking very properly, ha! The other part was I was telling all of our (mine and J's) business.

Since this guy was trying to talk to me I yelled out " See that guy over there, that's my boyfriend and he wants to marry me". My boyfriend said I was putting business in the streets, but because what I said was true and not embarrassing he didn't mind. He loves me.

No more drinking for me

Hopefully September will be a better month weight wise.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

2007-08-22T10:51:00.000-04:00

The scale is not my friend or is it I that is not my friend? I think it is the latter. The scale has been creeping up and up. I haven't been following any plan, but for the last couple of days I have been really paying attention to the things that I have been putting into my mouth and when. Okay, I had a little push this weekend to prompt it.

My boyfriend's mom came up to visit this weekend to clean out his grandmother's 2nd floor of the house to turn it back into an apartment again. Well first during the day I had ripped a pair of my pants on the side and the shirt I had on was a bit snug so she said "what's up baby, do you not want to go to the next clothing size?" Honestly I don't but in reality I should, but that was not the reason why I was wearing the out fit. It was my last choice because I seriously needed to wash clothes. Hint #1 of the weekend that I need to lose weight.

Well on Sunday we were moving things into the attic. His mom was folding down boxes and putting them on the attic stairs. Well this made it look a little more difficult than it was to get down the stairs. Well his grandfather, which I only met the day before, stops by the house and proceeds to come up the stairs to see me coming down the attic stairs and says " Don't you feel a bit ashamed of yourself that you can barely fit down the stairs". I didn't know what to say except for the truth which was "yeah", but I didn't mention the defence that the boxes were on the stairs too. Hint #2 of the weekend that I need to lose weight.

Well the good note was that on Monday when I got on the scale it had come back down from the 215 that it was to the 210.6. I'll take it. So I have been making an effort to eat better, but I still have not stepped into a gym. I have set my alarm clock many mornings, but I have not been able to get myself out of the bed. I have to get back into the just do it mode. I can do it I really can. You guys have seen it before and you will see it again.

The funny part this weekend was his mom told me that if I wanted to lose weight I better do it before I start having kids. HUH? Who said that any of those were coming anytime soon? LOL. She want grand kids bad, and so does my Mom, but that's no reason to have any. And what is she talking about her last child is beginning 1st grade this year, he's not that old.

Later peeps!

Monday, August 13, 2007

2007-08-13T12:14:00.000-04:00

Time is flying. August is almost halfway over. This weekend I went to the Jazz festival in New Port, RI. I was so nice. Something different. It's like a day long concert that you spend time with your family just laying out in the sun listening to good music. J and I had all the things we needed, the blankets, chairs, drinks, and snacks to keep us content.

The only bad and good part that is was completely sunning out. Not a single cloud in the sky on Saturday and a few came for a visit on Sunday. In other words it was HOT. I know I've previously noted that black people do tan and burn, but if wasn't black before I sure am now…lol. And I'm burnt. I would think I'd know better by now after getting burnt on Caribbean vacations.

So, with all of the laying around and eating and that TOM, I have not even looked at a scale since sometime last week. It could not have done anything, but gone up this weekend, and that is not a good thing. For some reason I just can't stay focused. I just get a day here and there and just stop. Well I guess I just have to keep grabbing at those days here and there and hopefully they'll eventually begin to string together.

Monday, August 6, 2007

2007-08-06T13:47:00.000-04:00

I'm still moving people. I didn't eat too bad last week and I made it to the gym 4 times, so I'm happy. I know, I know, it could have been better but, I'm still trying. It doesn't help when you have a boyfriend who is making delicious desserts, not intentionally, to throw you off.

Last week he was trying to get rid of some left over fruit that was going to go bad soon. But to save them he turned them into scrumptious desserts. The first one being a blueberry and cherry pie and the other was an upside down peach cake with caramel sauce over the top. Evil I tell ya, but oh so good. I managed to be down over the weekend by almost a half a pound, so I can't complain.

I want to lose weight rapidly but I have to keep talking to myself in realistic terms.

The relationship with my boyfriend to me has been a short period of time even though we are about to hit the 6 month mark. Yesterday I was talking to him about how this girl I used to work with was dating this guy for maybe 2 months and then dumped him because she wasn't feeling him that much. My question was did she give it enough time. I didn't think so. So after talking about that my boyfriend said that he sometimes wonder if I really love him or do I just tolerate him.

This question kind of hurts me. I know where it comes from. When I get mad at him I have a tendency to withdraw myself. I will still be with him, but not talk as much. I do this because I know I'm getting mad over something simple, so I don't want to keep talking about it and make it into something bigger than it has to be. So I'm waiting to get over it.

I'll tell him later when I'm calm, but I feel by not talking about it I'm being mean. Or another part is when I point out things to him that irritate me. Again I feel like I'm being mean because I should care enough to keep it to myself.

We were in the car talking about this and as soon as he asked the question I started crying because this is one of my struggles; I don't know what to do to make him feel special like he always does for me. I ask him and he tells me that I don't have to do anything just be me. So when he asks the question it's like saying see I need to be doing something or he wouldn't feel this way or would question whether I love him or not.

I don't know why this is bothering me so much that it is making me cry while I'm typing this. He keeps telling me that he didn't mean to upset me, but it did, so now I'm trying to thing of things that I could do to make him not want to question what it is that I feel for him. I guess I know the other part is that I'm afraid that I will mess things up. I'll do something that will make him want to leave me. It's like the question is saying "see I told you so," as if my fears are being validated.

I was telling him that things are easier when you are by yourself. He agreed as there are so many things that you have to work out together, things you want you do, your schedules, it's just so much. But I don't want to be by myself, because I would be complaining about being alone again. Right now I have someone who really loves me and I can't imagine being able to find a replacement. Someone just like him. I think that he would always be my benchmark of the qualities that a boyfriend should have.

I don't want anyone else, even with all the things that he does that annoy me :) How do I make him see that?

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

2007-08-01T11:05:00.000-04:00

I have been working towards my goal this week so far. I hate to make official new starts. So I won't. What happens when I do is I feel like I have a license to eat horribly until I start my next effort. So I have to really fall in to the routine of not giving up, but just simply trying harder the next day.

I also have to not be so hard on myself and focus on the actions that will make me achieve my goals. Eating right and exercising. That is always what I have done in the past.

Lately I have been trying to figure out exactly what I did before, because I know I tweaked some things, but what exactly. I know that I used low carbs at one point, but not Atkins low, but I know that is not sustainable. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that there is no quick fix. There never will be. Sure there will be things to assist, but why use them when the body is pretty efficient by itself.

I was almost temped into trying the zone diet, but what stopped me is the thought of eating so much processed food. I'd get sick of it. That is what happened before. I ate so many frozen dinners that it is very hard for me to eat them now. The other issue was price. I simply don't have the money. I just signed up for the C-P-A Exam for the last time on top of my ever increasing credit card bill. So I am spent.

I just may have to eat frozen dinners again because my boyfriend and I have promised to not eat out for at least two weeks. This is week one. I think it is very doable, but I don't cook too often. I think we need to keep this up. We will save money in the process. Speaking of saving money, at my current client they buy food for us everyday. How awesome. The bad part is that we never leave the room, which means no real movement through out the day. Oh I just have to work a little bit more in the gym.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

2007-07-18T18:07:00.001-04:00

Today is J's birthday. I bought him a digital camera and I'm so jealous because I got a really good deal on it I almost want to buy it for myself. I'm glad it's his birthday because I need something positive to focus on. I'm going to his aunt's house after work to meet him there. She always tries to feed me, which I feel like that is what I want, but I know I don't.

The last two days have been rough for me. I got my overall rating at my job and it's not looking good. I don't think that they will fire me, but you never know, they are firing people left and right. First of all I don't think I should have gotten the rating that I did, but I doesn’t look like I'll be able to change anything now. This means I might not get a raise which will really suck.

So, as of now I believe that it is definite that I will be leaving the firm right after busy season. I must get all of my ducks in a row. Getting my C-P-A license must be my main focus. I told J that he couldn't come over every night and that it's not his fault. When I know he is coming over somehow I don't get anything done. This has to change immediately.

He's going back to Virginia this weekend to watch his little brothers while both of his parents are out of town. It makes me wonder what they would do if he wasn't a teacher and had a real job.

Here's to feeling better, I hope I will soon.

Monday, July 16, 2007

2007-07-16T14:58:00.000-04:00

I stayed at J's last night which I knew would be a problem because I knew I wasn't going to get up early enough to go to the gym. So today I must go at night again.

Do you know that I am still sore from last week's Thursday night, Friday morning combo. I am probably going to do it again tonight and tomorrow. I was sore the entire weekend pretty bad, but I was still able to move. We played racquetball on Saturday and had planned to be there for 45 minutes. J was questioning if that was enough time, HA! By the time I was finished with him he was dripping sweat, it was really gross.

Today marks another month that J and I have been together. I feel like I'm counting to see how long we last. Or sometimes I think I'm looking for a milestone to validate my feelings. To say enough time has passed for me to feel the way that I do.

The eating this weekend wasn't that great, but because it is that TOM I was expecting a huge gain, which I didn't, so now I am expecting a loss. I doubt that I will get it, but I can hope. I'm feeling confident. I just have to ignore my mental bashings every time I realize how tight something has gotten in what I am wearing. Hopefully I can report some loses soon.

Stats Updated - Ugh!

2007-07-14T10:04:00.000-04:00

Well I did it, I updated my stats on the side and my ticker on the bottom of the page. I was something that I really didn't want to do, but because I want to be honest with my self and I guess the world I had to do it.

My other reality shock was trying on the jeans that I already own. Non of them fit. Just because I though that it wouldn't be a struggle to put a pair of size 18s on I grabbed them to wear expecting them to be big. Not! They fit perfectly, am I a sized 18 again! Who new, just six months ago I was boasting that I could fit into size 12s, well look at me now.

This is just another motivating factor, one to see the tickers go below 200 lbs., and two to be able to fit into my clothes without looking like a blob.

Friday, July 13, 2007

2007-07-13T16:13:00.000-04:00

The gym saw me last night and this morning. Go me! I'm sure I'm going to pay for it this weekend. I felt good doing it so I hope I can keep it up. I told my boyfriend that his going to the gym is the reason why I started up again. He says my thought pattern is a$$ backwards, but if it gets me to the gym so be it.

I just don't want people to see us together with him looking all buff and sexy, while I'm next to him all round and squishy. I want him to be proud to have me on his arm. I've gained about 25lbs. since I met him, but it's almost like he hasn't noticed. He's only saying something now because he knows I'm unhappy with myself and that I should do something to change it if I am not happy. Last night I was calling myself fat and he told me that he would never call me that because he thinks I'm not.

I read to day on someone's website, I think diet girl. How we describe ourselves to other people. So, when other people do see us they are expecting to see big blobs, but in actuality we are not. So, is that what I am doing to myself, thinking that I am really big when I'm not? Nope, I think my comments are justified. Yes, I am not as high as I've been, but I have erased a lot of progress and I'm feeling fat.

But those feeling are leaving as I feel good going to the gym. I must keep going because it makes me feel better in my current state.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

2007-07-12T10:30:00.000-04:00

Until I can think of titles again I'm just going to put the date.

I haven't really been making anymore progress other than making better choices and choosing to eat less. My weight has gone down ever so slightly so I guess I can call it a plus. My boyfriend has been inspiring me to go back to the gym. He joined a gym again yesterday and went again this morning.

I think I am going to go tonight and again tomorrow morning. I don't want him to get skinny while I stay fat. He's not really fat to begin with; his stomach is only a little podgy not even close to being a pot belly. He's just stuck in his high school days before he paralyzed his arm and how he was so fit, muscular, and strong. I can't really blame him because that is truly a life altering event.

I'm stuck in a few months ago where I was smaller. I refuse to buy anything new in bigger sizes, so I just have to lose weight to fit into my clothes. I sincerely hate passing by mirrors and windows because I don't like how I look anymore. I don't like this feeling so I must change it.

I feel like I must be more diligent in writing and reading posts, I think this is when I am most inspired and I want to report good things. I like to see that people are human, but I really like to when they are doing well, meeting targets, and obtaining their goals.

Back from Vacation No. 2

2007-07-09T12:57:00.000-04:00

This week was a really good week, only if you don't count my eating and exercising :) I knew before we left that I wasn't going to exercise this past week but I brought workout clothes anyway.

I do say that it was a fun and insightful week. Insightful how? Mr. J and I have different ways of viewing things. I get upset over seemingly little thing, but because I read so much into it, it's not little to me at all. I'm a big believe in it's not just what you say, but how you say it. My extra piece is why you said it.

There have been a few times that J has said some things that I thought were stabs at me, but not by what he said, but was meant by saying it in the first place. (Like always I'm sure people are lost). But that is the old issue the new one was just mean what you say. If we say we are going to do this and be here at a certain time that is what I expect. So when it doesn't happen it frustrates me.

The best example I have is that I don't like to let the day waste away. J and I were planning to leave at 1pm to go somewhere, but we didn't have to be there at a specific time. Well we fart around until 12:30pm so we won't be leaving on time. But my expectation is that when we start to get ready we move, not to continue moving slowly and really do nothing. So after I rush to get ready I'm sitting there waiting for him and he barely has any clothes on. So instead of saying something mean I get quite for a while.

Maybe I should say something, but I know his rebuttal would be why are we rushing. I guess it is because I know the slower we more the more likely we will end up going no where or changing our plans because it is too late.

That's just me. I'm not always on time or anything, but certain things bug me. It was funny. Our last night there, we had went out with his family to grab dinner. After we were finished he asked me if I wanted to share a cookie and I said yes. A half hour later I ask he why haven't he gone and bought the cookie. His response was that it was more of a suggestion than an actual offer. So I yell at him how am "I supposed to know that!" He never gave me an answer. He thought I was, so excited over a cookie, but I let him know that the "cookie" is never the issue. I told him that that was my problem all along. He would set me up with an expectation that I thought we both agree on, but he changes it saying that when he said it he didn't mean it to be a definite. Urgh! It annoys me so.

So, we had some very open conversations which were good. Now, on to the fun stuff. I did things I never did before. One day we went parasailing. Now let me tell you we were up higher than most of the buildings that were close to the beach. A couple of days later we went jet skiing. The air temperature was nice, but the water felt like ice, but it was so much fun. Later that evening, we went to J's stepfather's friend's house, which was beautiful and had dinner with him and his wife.

First of all I love J's parents, both sets, they are really inspiring and to now meet some of there friends, I feel almost jealous that J has had so many great role models in his life. So far I have had my sister, but I think she has brought me as far as she could take me. Now I have to find someone else. After talking with J's Parent's friends I feel more inspired to do what I want, even to get married and start that extending the family (okay that's not at least for 5 years...lol, I think. All of these people show me that you can be happy, and almost have it all. I can at least strive for it.

It was funny, not so long after we stopped at the house for dinner they asked us when we were planning to get engaged. We were both speechless, but it was more me than J because he wanted me to speak, because like I said before, if I left it up to him we would get married tomorrow. Not only were they talking about marriage, but about where we wanted to live. And what were our future plans. And in my mind we have been making so many plans, but a lot of them are contingent on us getting married. Which we have long decided that it's going to happen it's just a matter of when.

At this point I have put so many restrictions on him that I will probably be able to pin point the day that he's going to propose. Okay I'm just kidding, but that is the way it feels. I told him that he couldn't propose until we have been dating at least one year and that we should have a one year engagement. Which I think all seems reasonable, but reasons behind it I think are not so reasonable. I guess I am always worried about what people, (me, my family, friends) will think. That I am rushing into a serious commitment or I don't know him well enough, or who knows what else. I have been trying to drop hints to my family, but they haven't been taking them so well, like I should count my chickens before they hatch, that was comment from my mom.

I don't know, but what I do know is while I ponder this there are so many more important things going on in my life, like passing that darn C-P-A exam, focusing on work, and oh yeah, my health! Who could have missed that one? My weight is still creeping up, but there are no more vacations, so I have no excuse for eating bad, I will be staying at my apartment during the week as J is off for summer vacation, teachers are so lucky. This means I will be able to go to the gym in the morning and hopefully plan my meals better. I can do it, I've done it before.

What Motivates You?

2007-06-29T10:21:00.001-04:00

Right now for me it is that the scale is continually increasing. I am reminding myself again that you have to just do it. Make the right choice. This morning was a struggle. When I have work to do I just get up early and work until it is time to go to work. I had planned on going to the gym because when I stay at my apartment I have the opportunity to do so. But what I would do in the past was no go because work was more important.

How messed up is that! Work is more important than my health. It's not that is why I went, that and I realized that anything I did in that hour would make a big difference in how far behind I am in my work.

I plan to go tomorrow too as a last chance work out. HA! Who am I kidding, last chance for what? My appearance is not going to change in the next day, so I must accept it. That's what J told me last night. Do something about it, but accept where I am right now and do something about it. I tell him I don't know how he could continue to find me attractive if I kept gaining weight. I know you can love someone, but to be attracted is another story. Or that's what I thought, J seems to think otherwise. I don't want to give him an opportunity to test out his theory, so how about I start losing weight now.

Vacation...

2007-06-26T11:00:00.000-04:00

Great for the mind, bad for my weight. I enjoyed myself this weekend, but it reminds me that after a while even family get on your nerves after awhile no matter how distant a cousin they are.

My weight, not looking good, my weight is not 206.8lbs. It's up because, well I ate completely horrible, but it tasted so good. That and I didn't sleep very much, for some reason I just couldn't stay asleep every night. This is weird for me because I can sleep any where.

There were so many food recipes that I wanted, but if I had them, my weight would have no choice but to continue to go up.

So what is the plan now? I really don't have one. I need it, but my thought is what is the point in trying now when I am going on vacation again next week and this time it is just my and my boyfriend.

I know I know, I can do something now to reduce the current gain so it won't be so bad after vacation. J wants to see me in all of my bathing suits, even the bikinis. Well I only wore them in the Dominican Republic, because most people on the beach looked a mess, so I fit right in...lol.

I'm trying today, to make better choices. I'll be in the gym tomorrow.

Baby Steps

2007-06-21T09:03:00.000-04:00

The last few days have been good hopefully I can keep it up. This weekend is my family reunion in Texas. I'm excited and sad at the same time because when they saw me last year I was about 20lbs. lighter. I wonder if they'll notice. HA! Of course they will. And then my mom will do they whole coy I wonder why and then the whole thing of "you know she has a boyfriend now". Ghee thanks Ma can I tell my own business. See it hasn't even happened yet and I'm already dreading it.

My sister and I are going to try to be good and make sure we exercise at some point. I don't think it will work out that way, so I am going to try and go tonight. I didn't go this morning because I stayed at J's last night. So in efforts to continue to feel good I am going, that is it, it is final. I'm trying to convince myself to not back out later, there are a lot of hours between now and then.

I laugh at myself because I want to spend time with J tonight before I go, but that means my mom will see me leave from my apartment to go and stay with him, so I feel weird. They are staying at my apartment again because we are leaving early in the morning and it was cheaper to fly from NY. So my mom is staying at my place. Again it is not that clean, but there are just not enough hours in a day to get everything done. I will clean the bathroom and put clean sheets on the bed that should be enough to get them through a few hours before we leave early in the morning.

Last night again I ruined a perfect night with J because I was mad at him for saying something that hurt my feelings and I know he said it on purpose. But when I finally told him what was bothering me he said that he didn't mean anything by it when I know he did. He tried to cover it up in a way that he could say that's not what I said, but what I told him what I heard never mentioning what he said he just said he was sorry and didn't mean it not that it wasn't what he said, so that lead me to believe that he did mean it.

I'm sure you are lost now...lol. He kept trying to apologize, but sometimes it just does not feel sincere like apologizing makes everything go away. What annoys me even more is how when he knows I'm upset he'll do things that would say to me that I'm still okay even if your mad it doesn't bother me, see I'm still having fun.

I always feel like I'm ruining a good night, but it is to show him how I feel and that you can't just brush it off with an I'm sorry. Even this morning when he finally stop saying that he didn't mean it, it made me feel better, but not enough to make me act as if nothing has happened. Maybe this is where I need to grow and just let the small things roll off my back. But then I don't want him to continue to disregard my feelings by thinking everything is okay. I don't know.

The man says he wants to marry me, but sometimes it makes me think how can you be so sure. He does a lot of things that can irritate me. Can I continue to let them go or just get over them? I don't know. Of course they are not big things so right now I say yes. But I definitely want to take my time to make sure I'm making the right decision.

I'm glad I just put "towards good health" in the title of my blog because you guys would say. That is not what I came here for. Ha ha. Metal health is important too. Later people.

Mood

2007-06-19T15:26:00.000-04:00

I've been in a mood lately that I haven't been able to shake. It seems as if everything is going wrong. I'm not studying enough, I'm not working enough, and I'm definitely gaining weight. This morning's official weight was 203.8lbs. I can't believe it. I went to the gym this morning and went to enter my weight and realized that it no longer began with a one. This is very depressing.

Yesterday was the worst of it I just couldn't seem to move. I need to fix this problem, but it seems like I have so many that I don't know where to start. I even thought my boyfriend didn't want to be around me, but he came by of course trying to make everything better by saying I'm not fat. Denial isn't the answer either.

Part of my solution was to stay at my apartment during the week, so I slept in my bed last night for the first time in weeks. It was weird having him there because he's so tall he looked out of place, but when we are at his house everything seems to be perfect.

I'm trying to think of changes that I can make to do better at everything, work, food, exercise, and studying. It seems as if I can't focus on any of them without sacrificing another.

Today was another new start. Not the usual start where I have everything planned but the start where I am trying to make more conscious decisions. I messed up a bit for lunch, but considering, it was better than what I have been doing.

I guess I have been away so long that the only readers I have are me and the random google searches. Again I will try to write more, which more likely than not means I'm at least moving in the right direction.

2 1/2 Month Recap pt. II

2007-06-18T14:39:00.000-04:00

Well I haven't gotten much more work done, so I guess now is as good as any to finish the post. To get back to more of what this blog is about. I have gained an immense amount of weight. I've managed to gain 20 more pounds (gasp!) I know. Ladies and Gentlemen I am officially back over 200lbs. I know I said that I would never do that, but here I am. Never say never.

It started right after the funeral. Like I said before, ever since I've been staying with J it has posed a lot of problems for me in terms of my physical health. The first part is my horrible eating. I blame J saying that he wants me to be fat and happy, but it's not him. I'm simply happy and eating too much on my own. The funny thing is I know exactly what I am doing to myself, but I'm pretending not to see it.

So the Dominican Republic trip came and went. It was so beautiful and a much needed vacation, I have taken on in almost two years. Ironically I have 4 trips planned and at least 3 has or is going to happen. I am definitely a beach girl and I love to go in the water and try to jump over the waves. We went out, but spent a lot of time at the resort which is fine with me because I don't have to always be on the move.

We did go on two excursions, one was deep sea snorkelling and the other was ATV riding, which was so much fun. The snorkelling was fun even though the waves were really rocky our tour guides were nice to take our underwater cameras and take pictures for us by getting up really close to the fish. The ATV riding was by far the most fun I have ever had on an excursion. I guess I know how motorcyclists feel when they are riding. I told everyone the next trip we plan I am going to do it again even if no one else goes with me.

I'll have to post a few pictures later to show everyone me in all of my glory. I still wore the bikinis. I guess I felt comfortable because there were a lot of people looking horrible, and not to mention the excess of boobs hanging out, so I just figured there was a whole lot worst.

While on the trip my cousin's left side of her face went a little numb on our last night there so she was panicking. She thought that she might possible think she was having a stroke. Well she could move everything on her face and the rest of her body was not affected. But she wouldn't let it go so she wanted to go to the infirmary at the resort. Her main reason was because she didn't want to die on the plain, because there were no doctors on board because on our way down a lady had passed out and there wasn't a doctor to help. Even though the real trouble that she drank too much on an empty stomach. Different problem.

So after the doctor had checked her out she said that there was nothing wrong with her and to see her normal doctor because she might have circulation problems. But she didn't believe that she was fine so she stayed in the room the rest of the morning, my sister was sleep from being up with her, so I went to the beach one last time.

Well she made it through the flight. We got to J's house to pick up my sister's car, went to CVS to download all of our pictures onto one CD and then the left for home (I'm in NY, they're CT). Come to find out the next day that they didn't get home until 4am from 7pm the day before. Normally it is a 2 hour trip max. But what happened is my cousin started to panic again and wanted to go to the nearest hospital because her chest was feeling tight. So they go to an emergency room in a town they don't even know where they are to sit there when they could have just gone home.

She ended up seeing a doctor at about 1am that told her the same thing after taking a bunch of tests. So by this time my sister is pissed and I can't blame her. The situation made me feel like I'm a little callous because I don't think I could deal with her and I would have left her alone like I did, some family member am I.

I guess I reported this story because the main reason why she was panicking was because she is extremely over weight so she thought all these things could happen, heart attack or stroke, because she's so big. This all makes me think that I need to get this under control before I feel like my life is at risk because of what I am doing to myself.

My cousin and sister both joke "See what happens when you fall in love, you get fat". Then my cousin proceeds to say I was a size 14 when I met my husband, look at me now that could be you. She's like a size 28, but I think higher. J says he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am. That's all well and good, but I don't want to get that big.

I've been in a pissy mood (according to J) since yesterday and I have, but part of it is I feel like my life is somewhat out of control. Or that I'm not in control. On Friday I was discussing with J that I need to make changes because not only am I gaining weight, but I am trying to study for the CPA exam again. I don't exercise, eat well, or study like I am suppose to when I am with him.

I told J normally what I do is a complete shut down of everything that is hindering my process. Part of that would be me not seeing him, but I wouldn't want to do that. And we both agreed that this is something that I have to do. I will still see him on the weekends, but no more staying at his house during the week. He's fine with it so I feel better because normally when I say that I am going to stay home he gives me this look like "why?" with a puppy dog face. But I have to admit I like staying with him. Mainly because it is someone to go home to every night and he's actually excited to see me. I guess it is an ego booster.

So tonight I go home. I'm not going to say that tomorrow is day one, because I am going on my family reunion in Texas this weekend and then starting the following weekend for a week I'll be in Virginia on vacation with J. So my goal is to make better decisions for the next two weeks until I get back from the last trip.

I'm sure there are pieces that I have left out, but there is always tomorrow.

2 1/2 Month Recap pt. I

2007-06-18T10:39:00.000-04:00

I really don't know where to start. This post will definitely have to be a two parter because so much has happened over the last two and a half months. Well lets start from the beginning. I last posted that I was going on a trip with J to the Hamptons. Well that never happened. That Friday before we were suppose to leave, we stopped by the nursing home like place his grandmother was in since she had a mini stroke. J lived with her and pretty much took care of her and brought her where ever she needed to go, so he couldn't leave town without out checking in on her.

On our way up there we got a call that we needed to get there fast. I hadn't met her yet so I stayed down stairs. J came back down, to let me know that they were going to move her back to the hospital and that we were not able to go on the trip. He left but soon after he did I heard emergency calls over the loud speaker and then two seconds later J was running by me, his grandmother on a stretcher on their was to the hospital.

At first I didn't know what to do because I was like he just left me there, but then I remember that he said that his aunt was in the room. I asked the security guard to point her out if she came by. When I was pointed to her I called her name and she knew who I was and was happy to meet me, but not on these circumstances. Come to find out the emergency room was right behind the place.

As we were walking there I was praying that God would give J strength because I knew he was going to need it no matter what the outcome was. When we got there, J was filling out paper work and all I could see were tears streaming down his face. When he had finished he ran to his grandmother only to watch while they tried to revive her heart with the electric shock paddles and then call the time of death. He came back out to the waiting room almost in audible to say that she was gone.

I didn't know what to do, how to console someone, or to be with someone who is experiencing great pain. He sat in the corner while his aunt was trying to get him to talk to her, which we later found out was that she didn't hear what he said when he first came out, until she went to look for herself. He walked outside and I didn't follow. I felt so out of place, I had to keep fighting back tears because I couldn't bear looking at his hurt face or remembering what he looked like when he first came out. When he came back I sat next to him and held his hand. No words could come to me. I knew there was nothing that I could say that would take the pain away.

We were leaving the hospital and his aunt didn't want him to go home alone, so I told her that would stay with him. I've been pretty much living with him ever since.

The days to follow were weird for me, because I feel like I was around for much more than I girlfriend should be. I went with him to pick his mother up from the airport, she was going to drive all night to get here until someone talked some sense into her. I went with them to the hospital to have the arrangements made for his grandmother, I went to the funeral homes to see where they wanted to go, I helped them pick out a casket, I helped them clean the house to make it ready for visitors, and I took off work to attend the funeral with him. All these things I didn't have to do, but I wanted to be there to support him. Then later they kept saying I was such a big help, they were glad I was around, and were just thankful for me being there. All I could say was "what did I do?" I didn't do anything, I was just there. They said that was enough. Even today J says I amazed him by what I did. He tells me now that I allowed them to not wallow in sadness, but to tell all the good stories about her because I had never heard them. I allow them to reminisce on the good.

I basically met his entire family and they kept pointing out to each other whispering "hey did you see J's girlfriend", "who?", "her", "wow". I felt kind of weird, so I asked J why is everyone doing that, his explanation was that he never brought a girlfriend around his family, but I'm not sure, that's it…lol.

I know it sounds bad to have a best thing, but the best thing out of this whole experience was being about to spend time with his parents, both sets, both his mom and dad married other people. They are great people and I love his mom and step dad, they really talked to me and tried to get to know me. I guess this meant something to me because it showed they cared, that they are involved with their son's life. My mom would have never asked J questions. It's not because she doesn't care, but that is not how she is. Maybe I secretly wish my parents were other people.

So all if this happened right after the last post; I will continue the rest later. I must get some work done now.

54 Days left to DR!

2007-03-30T15:52:00.000-04:00

I'm having a really good week. I have almost lost 5lbs. some of it was due to TOM, but who cares, I'll take it. I counted the extra weight in the beginning because sometimes the scale doesn't go back down after it's over. Anywho, back to the awesome week I ate well and I made it to gym everyday this week, go me!

I'll be on a mini vacation this weekend so I have to be on my best behavior and make sure I'm moving, so I don't lose all of the progress that I have made. I am so excited that I'm making fitness a priority again. Sometimes I wonder where did this feeling go when I didn't want to go to the gym or eat right. Huh? I dunno.

All I can do is try this weekend and I'll report back early next week.

57 Days left to DR!

2007-03-27T18:22:00.001-04:00

Well people after today I have about 8 weeks left until my trip. I'd like to call this the do or die period. I can not wait any longer to make an effort to lose weight. Yesterday was my first day back at the gym and I made it today as well. I have gone to the grocery store, I am bringing my lunch, and dinner is cooked for the week. I am proud of myself, but on the other hand it's about time. I have some really high hopes about the amount of weight I want to lose. It's achievable, but only with discipline. No more oops!

Now after saying that, me and J (I guess I'll start calling him my boyfriend) are going on a trip this weekend just to spend sometime together and go experience restaurant week out in the Hamptons. So I must learn to fight the temptations and remember portion control.

This morning at the gym I had two very different feelings on being that it felt natural like I never left that the want to be in the gym hadn't disappeared for a minute. But after that feeling I passed by the unforgiving row of mirrors and was disgusted with myself, and just to think even at my low I wasn't satisfied. Now what I wouldn't give to be rid of the 15lbs. that I had gained.

I have been telling J about my larger self in the passed and when I start talking about it he reminds me that it is in the past and to concentrate on the now, which he thinks is fine, and if I want to change it do something about it. That is what I have decided to do, do something. Gosh I like it when he's so encouraging.

It's Been A Long Time

2007-03-15T15:56:00.000-04:00

There's been little and so much activity going on at the same time. Of course the part that is lacking is my food and exercise. I won't be my ultra thin self by the time of my trip as there just isn't enough time. I'd still like to lose about 10lbs. just to feel confident.

So what has been going on? I've been dating someone. He's my first real boyfriend as an adult. I say first because the other guy I had mentioned before, I could never call my boyfriend, it was more like Musiq Soulchild's "Buddy" song. Anywho, this is such foreign territory that I don't know what to do with myself. He's really into me. I hate to say it but I think I'm falling for this guy and want to run away at the same time.

I analyze everything. I didn't realize how emotional I was and how things can happen and alter my mood completely. The other thing that I am noticing is that I have some serious trust issues that I don’t think I know how to get over. I don't think I trust him. Not that he has ever given me a real reason not to. I just can't seem to believe him even when I think he is being sincere. I have this feeling like he's putting on an act. He's acting too perfect. That and I'm projecting my feelings from the last guy onto him.

Even when I realized that other guy was playing games with me I chose to ignore what I knew. He was saying all the right things. When I replay things in my mind I feel like everything that was done was a set up so I'd continue to play his game.

I find myself trying to build a case against this new guy so I would leave him alone. The evidence right now is beyond weak. My favorite one, which my half-sister said proves to me that I am selfish. I hadn't talked to new guy in a few days, two and a half almost three, and I began to think that he doesn't really like me he and only talks to me because I call him so why bother. I told myself that I did my part in leaving a message and sending a few text messages and no response to either.

So, he sends me a text message in the evening of the third day saying that he had strep throat and sorry he had fallen off of the face of the earth. In my mind I go "yeah and you still couldn't call me?"…lol. Just take some of that throat spray and you'll feel better. Mind you I didn't know the symptoms of the virus until my sister told me. So when I did I then I felt bad for thinking bad of him. But when he says he went to the doctors I thought he had enough energy to drive to the doctors, but not enough to give me a call back. Selfish I know.

Why am I looking for things? Why can't I just be happy? I don't know.

99 Days to Go

2007-02-13T13:13:00.000-05:00

So how much progress have I made since my last post, only a little. I have finally started to eat on plan for the last few days. And I have made it to the gym, for the last three days. Did you hear that, I went to the gym, go me, go me...lol.

I also went to play racquetball on Sunday. I ended up playing by myself, but that was okay, I still got a workout and I have the sore muscles to prove it. I went back to going to the gym in the morning because it is a lot hard to go to the gym when you are tired than after a nights rest.

So, I have a semi date this coming Friday and I want to look good. I had the outfit in mind I just needed some really cute chocolate brown boots. You know I only found them because I didn't think I would and they are a little too small, but that is the price you pay for beauty. I think I can do about 3 hours of actual standing and not all at the same time...lol. So, I go home to see how it all looks together only to find out that the SKIRT DOESN'T FIT! URGHHHH! Yes, I am beyond upset with myself. I know I've gained weight I could see it in my face a bit, but to barely be able to put something on made me want to cry. So then I got out my trusty girdle which seemed to do the trick, but you could see my back fat rolls being pushed up in the sweater.

If I'm not motivated now I don't know what will do it. So this guy I met him on an Internet site and he checks out so it's time for the face to face meeting, but get this, he goes to my church, but I never seen him before. So we plan to talk at the church get together after bible study. I'm dying with anticipation, but also dying because the pictures that he saw were from the summer and I've gained a few pounds and I'm not sure how much someone else can tell. So this is another motivating factor.

The over all motivating factor is the 99 days left until my trip to the DR, it's no longer 3 digits, that means time is moving. So people lets get to it.

Why?

2007-02-07T13:42:00.000-05:00

Why can't I stay on track? I did it last year at this time of year, what is the difference. We have 105 days left until our trip and the scale is going in the opposite direction. I talked to my sister and she's frustrated too because scaled hasn't changed for her either. I'd rather have it to remain the same then to move up.

I bit the bullet. I have joined the YMCA so I can add variety to my activities. Two things that I would love to do are to do laps in the swimming pool and to play racquetball. The initial search was for racquetball courts that were not too expensive. This seems to be the best and my company has a discount here, that and the other benefits.

Hopefully this will not be another way to spend money without getting the benefits that I want. I have an appointment for Saturday hopefully I will be able to play a game or at least make myself feel better. Maybe this will change my focus to more on fitness and not just weight loss.

Here's to new challenges.

115 Days to Go

2007-01-29T18:07:00.000-05:00

I was doing so well until Saturday came. I was down about 4 lbs. solely on my good eating. And of course I haven't had the balls to step back into the gym, which I am planning to do so tonight. But over the weekend I ate like crap, not that I seriously over ate I just ate off schedule and my choices weren’t balanced.

Yesterday I talked with my sister and I was telling her that we had exactly 115 day left before our trip to the Dominican Republic. She had some really unrealistic ideas of what she was going to do. Like loose 40 lbs. by then. At first I told her yeah right, but then I corrected the statement and told her to try and that I shouldn't shoot down her goal and if she didn't make it and got close that would be great.

I got an email from the Tom Venuto site which talked about a creating a count down calendar for your goals, so that's what I did. It plays to the dorky side of me using power point and creating a daily task checklist on the calendar. It is hanging up on the wall in the bedroom so it will be the last thing I see at night and the first thing in the morning. It is almost like a promise that I am making to myself that these are the things that I plan to do and accomplish.

Today was my start date and I have sort of been eating badly so I have missed on check mark already. I though I would have been down over the weekend another pound but I gained two so I have to adjust my start numbers. It's my fault. It also shows me the benefit of exercise in that it allows me to mess up slightly and still be not that far off track.

Here's to me trying harder the rest of the week.

Long Time No See

2007-01-22T14:24:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, so it's been a minute since my last post. Normally when someone hasn't posted in a long time it means that they have fallen off of the wagon. I can confirm that statement because I have fallen off - way off the deep end. I have gained a record 11 pounds over the past two months. Yikes! I hate to see it in print, but it's the ugly truth.

Over the past week or so I have been getting myself back into the mindset of eating better and paying more attention to exactly what I am putting into my mouth. This means that I will be going back to being stricter with logging food into Fitday.

Now for the gym, I am afraid to go back because I don't know which program I want to follow and which one will work for me now. I say this because all the programs I have tried in the past had worked when I did them, but once I stopped it seems as if I needed to find a new one to get back on the wagon. I haven't found a new one yet. My other problem is being afraid of what people will think. "She was looking good, what happened? Shame on her" Okay I do this to other people and now I'm doing it to myself. See that's what I get…lol.

It's currently busy season, Saturday, and I'm at work right now. These days are never really productive as you can see, I'm easily side tracked. I know this is a hard time to stay on track but I did okay last year. I was consistent at the gym and maintained my weight, that is the least that I am hoping for, but I'd rather be losing.

Later People you should be seeing a bit more from me.

What's Going On

2006-12-20T17:25:00.000-05:00

Nothing that should be. I started on a new client 2 and a half weeks ago. This client isn't really condusive to weight loss, okay I've made it to be. The first week I was doing okay. I went to the gym the entire week and then something happened and I haven't been back since. I think the whole day just takes a toll on me. I have to drive to 1hr 45min one way. That's a lot. Then I get lazy and don't cook, so no good food at night. I'm afraid to say it but I'm going to be at the gym like all those other new years resolutioners come January. I have 5 months to lose up to 20lbs. for my trip to the Dominican Republic in May. I can't wait. I haven't gone on a real vacation in over a year. I don't think I want to lose more than that. We'll see.

This is the first year that I have the majority of my Christmas shopping complete. It feels good not to have to worry about finding the right gift. The last person on my list is my sister. The heffer went out and bought every herself so I'm stuck. I might just get her an american express gift card so she can get whatever she wants.

Anyway I just wanted to write to let people know that I'm still alive, a little off track but still making goals. Hopefully I'll be back before the new year.

Holiday News

2006-11-25T16:46:00.000-05:00

Yes I know that is has been a minute, but I have nothing but great news to report. Let's start with my weight on Wednesday, November 22, I weighed in at 176.2 lbs. A new all time low! I guess I can't keep saying that because every loss now will be an all time low. That is good news part one, part two is that I have made another milestone.

On Wednesday my sister and I went shopping and I grabbed a bunch of size 12's to see how close I was to fitting into them. And guess what? They actually fit. Not only did they fit but I tried on 12's in different styles, pants and jeans, as well as in different stores. So it's official I am a size 12! I didn't try anything on at the end of October but I was going by measurements. I didn't think I was close. But now I know that wasn't is not true. I didn't try anything on at the GAP so that will be my last confirmation, but I know that there should be no troubles there either.

The crappy part is me with having to have everything perfect. I forgot to take my measurements on Wednesday, so I have to wait until I get back down to my new low before I can take them. Silly I know. Oh did I fail to mention that I've gained a little over the last few days. Well let me back that up. Coming home for Thanksgiving has been wonderful except the over indulging in food. I told myself just to have a taste of everything that included sweets, but that's not what has been actually happening. I love food! I can't help it.

I've worked out once so far, hopefully I can get a couple more in before I leave to mitigate some of the damage. Dee asked me about pictures and I didn't think I wanted to show them because I didn't see that much of a difference. I had started posing in a silver bikini, but I'm not ready to show those, but I will show you the old bathing suit. You can see some difference, but I feel like I am becoming a smaller fat me. Okay I know that's a lie because I feel stronger and when I look in the mirror I see that I am smaller.

Okay, I really only started seeing it since I came home. My sister says that I have some sort of body image disorder. In a way I know I do. Because certain things I know and think in my head just don't match. For instance me saying that I am still fat and have a lot more work to do when I can where a size 12. See that simply doesn't match.

So here are the new pictures. Yes I know that is has been a minute, but I have nothing but great news to report. Let's start with my weight on Wednesday, November 22, I weighed in at 176.2 lbs. A new all time low! I guess I can't keep saying that because every loss now will be an all time low. That is good news part one, part two is that I have made another milestone.

On Wednesday my sister and I went shopping and I grabbed a bunch of size 12's to see how close I was to fitting into them. And guess what? They actually fit. Not only did they fit but I tried on 12's in different styles, pants and jeans, as well as in different stores. So it's official I am a size 12! I didn't try anything on at the end of October but I was going by measurements. I didn't think I was close. But now I know that wasn't is not true. I didn't try anything on at the GAP so that will be my last confirmation, but I know that there should be no troubles there either.

The crappy part is me with having to have everything perfect. I forgot to take my measurements on Wednesday, so I have to wait until I get back down to my new low before I can take them. Silly I know. Oh did I fail to mention that I've gained a little over the last few days. Well let me back that up. Coming home for Thanksgiving has been wonderful except the over indulging in food. I told myself just to have a taste of everything that included sweets, but that's not what has been actually happening. I love food! I can't help it.

I've worked out once so far, hopefully I can get a couple more in before I leave to mitigate some of the damage. Dee asked me about pictures and I didn't think I wanted to show them because I didn't see that much of a difference. I had started posing in a silver bikini, but I'm not ready to show those, but I will show you the old bathing suit. You can see some difference, but I feel like I am becoming a smaller fat me. Okay I know that's a lie because I feel stronger and when I look in the mirror I see that I am smaller.

Okay, I really only started seeing it since I came home. My sister says that I have some sort of body image disorder. In a way I know I do. Because certain things I know and think in my head just don't match. For instance me saying that I am still fat and have a lot more work to do when I can where a size 12. See that simply doesn't match.

So there are new pictures on my pictures page. You can make the comparison to old pictures there.

Did Someone Say 170's

2006-11-13T08:04:00.000-05:00

I did! Just like I predicted Saturday was the day that I first came in at 179.6lbs. and today we are down a few more tenths. So I believe it is official. Yay! To think I was so close about 4 months ago, but then I threw it all away. I guess my head got too big and I though that I can stop everything now and go back to it easily. Not! So it has taken me 6 weeks to undo 4 months of damage, that's not too bad in my books. I'm happy that I am sticking to my guns.

So for the past week or so I haven't been journaling my foods because I haven't had enough time, but I've been eating the same foods. I also haven't lost much over the past week, so it makes me wonder is it a mental thing as well. Because I know exactly what I am putting into my body, it in turn says that is reasonable so I will allow you to lose weight. Crazy I know. It's just how I think sometimes.

So I am at my new all time low, virgin fat if you will, but I still am the same shape that I have always been except smaller. Yes I'm stronger and fitter, but sometimes you want those drastic changes. Mine is that I want to be rid of my lower lip, no not my actual lip but that low part of my stomach that hangs there that I could move up and down and it would look like my stomach is talking to you (which it does sometimes…lol). That and the back fat rolls. I see them getting smaller which is good, but I want them to be gone already.

Anywho, there is about a week and a half left until Thanksgiving. I haven't told anyone that I reached a new low. I want to have this big reveal come next Thursday. Of course most won't notice, but it is an accomplishment that I would like to share.

Hope everyone's weekend went well.

The Biggest Loser: Disappointing

2006-11-09T12:08:00.000-05:00

I was so disappointed yesterday with the people on The Biggest Loser, and most of all the trainers. Their attitudes sucked. I expected it from the players but not the trainers. When Bob (by the way I don't like him this season, Jillian left and I guess he's trying to play the tough guy, not cool) when he was going through the new guys journal it seemed as if his only goal was to make him feel bad about what he was doing. Hello he didn't have you to guide him. He did what worked. And the red trainer (can't think of her name right now) with the all or nothing attitude what kind of crap was that. It just seemed to me that the trainers were trying to make them want to leave as well.

First of all no matter how wrong or unchanging what they were doing was it work, and they were at home, with jobs, with family, and had to deal with other issues all on top of working out and eating right. While the people on the ranch have had their hands held acting like babies. I don't get it, why can't they respect what they did at home, yes they had family support, but if that was enough everyone wouldn't have needed to come on the show. I saw both of the two new people in me. I don't think I ate the best when I started working out, but then I educated myself and began to do it right, that's what the ranch is for. And I can definitely understand the girl, she was looking for the same burn or intensity that she was doing herself which she thought wasn't enough therefore expected more. She was afraid that she was going to revert back to old habits if she didn't keep up what she was doing.

I was ready to turn the channel expect for the fact that I wanted to see the new people kick the other people's butts. The red trainer came around eventually and was a lot softer, not Bob he was still an a$$. You have two completely new people to join the show who have had to do this entire journey on their own, I was happy for them. Everyone else was jealous. And the trainers were intimidated because this asked the question is what they are doing enough. Bob's cop out was "he didn't do it right, so there", who's 2yrs old? Teach and train him that is what you are there for, not to tear people down, you are no body! I miss Jillian, she was tough but she wasn't mean.

Last night was disheartening; people were acting like the children that probably aided in their obesity. I just wanted to say what if someone did that to you. Okay I'm done.

The scale doesn't want to register 170's, but it will that TOM is almost over, so great news to come this weekend or Monday. Later peeps.

Beautiful Numbers

2006-11-06T14:22:00.000-05:00

I'm so close to virgin weight that I can't stand it. Do you know what the scale said this morning? 180.4lbs. Nice! I will be able to finally say that I have reached another milestone, it has taken me forever, but I know that I will make it this time. The next one is to be under 180lbs. for at least 2-3 days. Last time I made it for a day so I didn't count it. I have to go and change my stats, but I don't have time right now. In the past month I have lost 7lbs., almost 9 if you want to count the week that I continued to gain weight. Of course most of this has happened within the last week after the month was over, but I'll take it.

Because I am doing so well I am afraid that I am going to mess up, or I'll get too excited and anticipate much higher loses than usual and then become upset with myself when I don't receive them. Well this week I am not expecting much because it will be that TOM. But girl can hope.

Sometimes I think that I am obsessed with weight loss even if I'm not actively trying to loose weight. I get on the scale multiple times a day even when they say you shouldn't, I begin to not eat things just to see how much more I can lose, or I'll even go to sleep so I won't eat. Bad I know. This was me this past week and even the weekend. I took too many naps to remember and got on the scale the same number of times. This is crazy! I know if I simply left my apartment it wouldn't be this bad because I know I wouldn't tell myself to go home to weigh in or to escape. Normally when I'm involved in something that's all I need and I forget about everything else.

This goes back to my friend count which is about zero. Let me rephrase that, I have friends, but we don't hang out often if that makes any sense. I go to the movies, shop, and go out to eat (ok, only once…lol) all by myself. It's just not enough. I'm the hang out type of girl go to someone's house and order or cook food, play cards, watch movies, all in very comfortable clothing :) I talk to people better in person because I am fully engaged and not trying to watch tv at the same time. That's why I can't wait to thanksgiving, because when I go home to visit they expect me to talk their ears off, because I always do. I tell them it because I don't have anyone to talk to when I get home every night…lol.

Only two more weeks to go people get ready for the food and shopping. I won't over indulge just enough till I'm satisfied (I hope). Sorry for the crazy post, I go from happy, scared, to depressed and back to happy all in the same post. I guess that's just me on an average day. Later people.

Day 31 Baby!

2006-10-31T20:42:00.000-05:00

Hey people I made it! I proved to myself that I can be committed to an exercise/healthy eating regimen again. I know I started out rough but in the end it was worth it. This past month I have tried something new at the gym, 6 days a week may I add, and went back to faithfully recording my food in take even on the weekends. One thing I always knew that my guessing of the number of calories and fat in something was always way off.

So stats, let’s see, the scale is so mean but I’ll take it. With all the ups and downs I have lost a total of 3.2lbs. Not that great I know, but guess what…, you’ll never guess, I lost 2 inches off of my waist!!! Now that’s a “Go me!” if I ever deserved one. That’s why the scale should never be you’re only measurement of success. Oddly enough I didn’t have staggering changes anywhere else. But that’s okay because I have always longed to have a waist. I also took pictures this morning. I don’t see all of the drastic changes that I feel, but one thing I do see is the deeper indent which will one day be a real waist. I’ll eventually show the pictures, but I’m definitely not comfortable yet.

Another thing that I learned was that as much as I thought it was, my stomach is not my trouble area, it’s my hips and thighs, those didn’t budge or there was a slight increase. How am I ever going to fit into a size 12 if the hips don’t go down? That is the goal here…lol Well now I guess I just need to keep at my goal of being consistent. People don’t understand that you have to be strict to a certain extent and if you aren’t it could lead you on a downward spiral.

For instance, today I went Cosi’s for a salad,. I normally get the mixed greens salad combo and chicken with fat free balsamic vinaigrette. Well today with out looking at the stats I got one of there signature salads, but curious me couldn’t go with out looking at the stats. I think I shouldn’t have because once I read that the dressing alone had 28 grams of fat I slightly lost my appetite (of course me being me I could never really lose it…lol). Since this was a light day so the end results weren’t too bad.

I said all that to get to the point that my co-workers were having a fit that I was have a fit over a salad, like it could never be bad for you. It’s probably because they watch me everyday at lunch and I seem to be doing well. What they don’t get is that I want to do well when it is easy to do so, so when I’m in a bad spot for real I know that I have a long string of good days to out weigh my bad ones, so I won’t complain.

I have made the decision to extend my challenge to Thanksgiving. My family wouldn’t have seen me for a month so I want to show them some change. Actually I want to keep it going by reviewing results, weight, measurements and taking pictures at the end of each month. I want to stay strong while I can because busy season will be here before you know it and I’ll be fighting to go to the gym and to eat right. So again, I want to do it while I can.

I’m writing so late today because I’ve been really working at work…lol. We are approaching the end of the audit, so no time can be wasted. I hope everyone else have good things to report too. Good Night!

Day 27

2006-10-27T11:07:00.000-04:00

Don't you just love life! I was already to do a sprint towards the finish line, but of course something always has to come up. This evening one my teams is giving one of the managers a surprise birthday party for his 30th birthday. That's not the problem. The problem is that for what ever deal or spot we are reserving it is costing me $50. This includes 3 hours of unlimited drinks, a birthday cake and food. See I can't go there and not eat and drink after I have just paid that amount of money.

When they originally said we were getting together that to me meant that the partner will pay and I will drink a drink or two and eat a piece of an appetizer so I can make it though the evening without consuming to many calories. Not when it's my money! Lol. I'll just have to aim for healthy food as best as I can. Let's see how well that works out.

I'm feeling good and we are almost to the end of week 4. I am happy because I feel strong but not happy because the scale is moving at a snails pace. Right now after netting all of the gains and loses I have only lost two pounds. I am sure that I have gained muscle because I have neither lifted nor completed any real exercise in about 3 months. I think my stomach has gone down a bit, but it depends on what angle you are looking at it from.

I will let you know how the weekend went on Monday. Everyone continue to keep your spirits up and I will too.

Day 23

2006-10-23T16:16:00.000-04:00

I am excited that I am getting things back under control. That and my censors are working again. Say for instance before when I would be tempted to eat something bad I'd think about it for two seconds and then rationalize it somehow. Well now there's like something screaming in the back of my head "Don't mess this up for me woman!" Yup that is my alter ego. I'm feeling good and strong.

The scale even went down over the weekend. I was very paranoid because weekends I somehow always manage to mess up. Let's just say I did well for most of the weekend and messed up in the end, so the net effect isn't too bad.

So, I have about a little more than a week to my month long challenge. I am happy that I have been lying to myself saying that I could be a size 12 by the end of the month because it doesn't hurt to try and that is what I am doing. Granted the scale moves aren't big at all, but the point is that it is finally moving in the right direction.

I am so anxious to see my pics after a month. I hope that I won't be too disappointed. I feel good and so proud of myself and I want that to be reflected in pictures.

I hope everyone else is staying strong and not using the excuse that Thanksgiving is coming, so what is the use. Yeah I've used that one before and probably 3 months ahead of time…lol.

Day 16

2006-10-16T14:10:00.000-04:00

Well guys I'm still going strong. I have all of my foods for the week. I'm down from the beginning of the weekend, so all is well with the world. I was lower yesterday, but I knew that the weekend wasn't over, so I had to wait until today to see what the results were. In the end I am happy.

I didn't know it then, but Saturday I think I was trying to kill myself at the gym. First of all I was there for almost two hours. Never have I spent that long at the gym. What happened was I had went to the gym for a weight lifting class, but instead they were doing a half hour taste of all of the classes. So I did the step, weight lifting, and abs, all of which went over their half hour limit. But in the beginning the instructor, who was maybe more metro than gay, but still a little too happy for the length that the class was, he said that he wasn't going to stop at the end each session he was going to just keep going.

This made me feel compelled to stay. He ran his mouth more then he did the exercises and then had the nerve to talk about having a potluck for all of the regulars, and not with healthy food either. In the end I felt like I had a great workout. There was a long enough break after abs for me to leave. I ate lunch, went to the movies, and then went grocery shopping all without stopping at home. Mind you I felt fine.

But yesterday I went to church and on the way home on the bus I was standing up and every time the bus jerked I went flying. I couldn't understand why I couldn't stay still. I had a good grip on the bar and my feet stationed perfectly. I had heels on by I've had them before on the bus, so I knew that they weren't the problem. It didn't hit me until today that my core muscles were so sore that they couldn't function in helping me to stand still. So this was my epiphany moment or understanding why they call the abs and back the core muscles. Silly I know. Some things you know intellectually, but don't understand until you experience it. This was one of them.

I pride myself at being able to stand still on subways and buses, because I can't stand when people bump into me for not holding on or positioning themselves properly. But that was me yesterday.

The movie that I saw on Saturday was "One night with the King". It was about the biblical story of Ester. I was really proud how they kept it pretty close to how the bible states it. It was a good movie if you are interested in biblical things. But because the graphics made it seem like an old movie I wasn't impressed. Maybe that was what they were going for. But with today's technology you can have an old setting, but the movie looks like it just came out and not a re-issuance of a 1990 movie.

It had Tiffany Dupont from the television show the Bedford Diaries. Come to think of it I think that show was cancelled. I liked it. Anyway, I think she's very beautiful in this movie, compared to the show, there was something odd to me about her look in it.

I hope that everyone had a great weekend.

Day 13

2006-10-13T11:53:00.000-04:00

I did it! Yesterday I went to a gym class by myself. I don't know if I was nervous or what but I keep waking up before time. When it was time to get up I was pumped I got my stuff together and was out the door. It takes me about an hour to get to the gym because it is close to my current client. It was a 7:00am weightlifting class. The time is probably one of the reasons why I went because one of the things that I hate is the class being too full and I would end up bumping into people.

The class only had about 8 or 9 people in it so I was excited, once I found the studio. It was way in the back. Me hating to look lost or helpless almost ran to the nearest cardio machine instead of taking the class. I'm glad I didn't I got a really good work out. I did feel a little awkward staring at people to see what to do next. Everyone else seemed to be pros. I've gone to about 3 very different classes over the past week. They all have been tough, but I liked it. I've been consistently sore, but not to the point that I can't exercise. I think I'm on to something here.

Next week should be my perfect week. As of right now I don't see any potential blockers. The main one being work. We are not to the stressing point yet. This is the place in where I drop going to the gym in order to go to work early; nothing like that for at least 2 weeks. I am going to the grocery store, so I will have what I need for both lunch and dinner. No more eating out for lunch. That is what I think destroyed this weeks progress.

Clean eating starts tomorrow, so I can get a head start for next week. I've been thinking that I need to workout more. I don't think that is the case. Six days a week, half weights half cardio, and 1 hour at a time should be more than enough. And one more day until I have 2 weeks straight of going to the gym 6 days a week go me.

I've been day dream of being in a size 12, okay more like a 10, and seeing people I haven't seen in years to show off my body. I love the attention. That and if you haven't seen me in a while it is such a huge change. But I want them to see me even hotter than I am now. Since I've been a little lonely, I been thinking about seeing the guys that I had crushes on in high school. I think they liked me then, but because of the current situation I don't think I was socially acceptable to date, I could only be the good friend. *sigh* But baby, look at me now!

Have a great day!

Day 11

2006-10-11T17:38:00.000-04:00

I've always told my sister that I can't do two things at once. This is seemly holding true for my little month long challenge here. Ladies and Gentlemen you are speaking to someone who went to the gym six days last week and is right on track for doing the same this week. One small problem though…

I can't keep my hand out of the cookie jar. Okay who am I kidding real food is tripping me up. I ate badly when I went home. I think I tried for about a half a day and it was only that long because I slept late…lol. Then of course I had to bring leftovers home from my Mom's Sunday dinner of corn beef and cabbage. Nope I'm not Irish it's simply one of my favorite meals. That coupled with the all you can eat coconut shrimp and potatoes I had left over from going out one night.

As you can see I don't like wasting food, so yes I carried all of that home with me on the bus…lol. For some reason I'm not getting too down on myself. I see it as creating good habits so that when I do eat right everything will be working together. For now it's just curbing the damage. I'm up about 2.5 lbs. It's that TOM on top of bad eating and a very sore body. I have noticed when I am sore from working out some how I weigh more. But like I said before I won't let it get me down.

What is letting me down is how much I had to beg my sister to go to the gym on Saturday when I gave her ample warning. I wanted to yell at her and say "I though you wanted to lose weight, obviously you don't want it bad enough", but of course I didn't, I guess you can't force someone to be ready. I know I am. My goal is to lose close to two dress sizes by May next year for our trip to the Dominican Republic.

I'm already singing the song, "You can hate me now", because that is what I'll be saying when I'm looking good on the beach. I told my cousin I'm going to look like Ciara in her latest video. She's a little more buff looking than she was before, not too cut though. Yeah I know I am aiming to be a size 12 by the end of the month, but if I want to be realistic I'm will give myself till the end of the year. There's always something (like myself) in the way.

But it doesn't hurt to try so size 12 here I come. Everyone keep up the good work. The only thing you need to do in order to do good work is try. That's what I'm doing.

Day 6

2006-10-06T10:32:00.000-04:00

I have made through the week in terms of exercising. I made it to the gym every day this week. Aren't you proud of me? I am…lol. And I will most likely go tomorrow as well because I already told my sister we would when I came to visit. Guess what we are going to do, classes at the gym! I actually like going to them because you don't really have to think just do.

According to the scale this morning I am down one whole pound, even after all of my whining and extra eating. Let's see if I can keep it over the weekend. For some reason when ever I go home for the weekend I give myself a free pass to eat whatever I want like it won't affect me. Watching The Biggest Loser this week kind of inspired me as they went on a cruise worked out and lost weight.

I almost wish that I wasn't going home to visit because I won't have a moment to relax. I'm trying to make sure that I spend time with every one. I took Monday off because we get nothing in terms of holidays, but I will be busy doing all of the things to get me ready for the week like washing clothes, grocery shopping and cooking dinner, of which all of them can be exhausting so by time I get back to work on Tuesday I will be tired again.

Hopefully you guys are having good week end reports. Keep it over the weekend and I will try too.

Day 4

2006-10-04T12:43:00.000-04:00

Why am I fighting myself so soon? Sunday and Monday I was on such a high thinking of all of the things that I wanted to accomplish. Well stepping on the scale daily is kind of killing it. Monday I was down .6, up .2 the next day and another .2 today. Granted it is not much, but is should be going in the other direction.

I really should be slapping some sense into myself because I know when ever I start working out again I gain a little bit of weight at first. I just wanted to believe that this time would be different and all I needed was the magic of working out and the weight would start to come off.

When I got home last night, like I always do, I weighed myself to see if what I ate for the day worked well. Meaning, how much weight did I gain. On a good day I would gain nothing from the morning. Yes, I am slightly psycho. Well yesterday I gained something like two pounds and I freaked because I felt like the number should be different. So, I ate a piece of bread pudding. LOL.

Yesterday was the day I found out that I truly am an emotional eater…lol. Who knew? Okay maybe I was in serious denial. I felt really bad that going to the gym hadn't changed much so I went to the very first thing that I said I couldn't have, my Grandma's Bread Pudding. What I've been doing is eating it as an afternoon snack instead of dessert which is so close to bed time.

Well let me tell you, the last two days made me realize that is may not be just the exercise, but I have gotten to relaxed in what I allow myself to eat. One thing I had stopped eating before was cheese because I thought that I couldn't tell the difference in my sandwiches. So, when I started eating it again I could really tell the difference. It's going to be really hard to give that up again, that and my need to have dessert. At one point I was still losing weight with allowing myself a small dessert at night so I thought I could still do it. Well that's out too, okay not until the bread pudding is gone. Lol.

Eating so far is pretty much on track for today and I went to the gym even in my disgust with myself for giving in, I will still make my goal of making it there 6 days a week. To everyone else out there hang in there and I will too.

Day 2 of the Month Long Journey

2006-10-02T11:07:00.000-04:00

Last week Christina at Size 8 or Bust! was talking about how she wanted to be a size 12 by the end of the month. I really want to the same so I told her that I would join her. Granted she might be a lot closer than I am to goal but it can't hurt to try. For at least one month I want to be able to put my best effort into this very worthy cause.

This would be the biggest achievement that I will have ever made. I say this because the smallest adult size that I remember is a size 14 somewhere around the age of 11 or 12. Before that all I remember is a kid size 6x and that at the time was big for my age. Selective memory I guess.

Besides becoming a size 12 the other thing that is motivating me is to prove to myself that I can be consistent again. I was in my main office on Friday and I found a planner from 2004 in my cabinet drawer. I was really inspired by what I saw, what I have done before and somehow forgot. This my be a bit extreme, but when I started this journey back in June of 2004, for the entire month I made it to the gym every morning 6 days a week. And except for a few missing days the following month I almost did the same again.

I probably eventually dropped off due to burn out, but I put my best effort into the process. That and the weight was melting off of me. I guess that is more of what I want...lol. So I started yesterday since it was the first of the month. My eating was pretty good. No gym on Sundays because after church there is always a list of tasks for me to complete. That and I walk about 2.5 miles to go to the grocery store for a little bit of exercise.

I didn't realize how many things are impacting me, but my other motivation is my sister, I think she is finally getting serious and I want be on her side encouraging her through my actions. One thing that we use to do when I went home to visit was go to the gym. I honestly can't remember the last time we did this. I was telling her the other day how I feel silly going to classes by myself, but when I'm with her all of my insecurities go away. Sometimes I don't know what I would do without her.

Well last night I took my before pictures in this size medium silver bathing suit that I had bought a long time ago. Lets just say those pictures won't be shown until I look decent in that bathing suit, which is about 20 pounds from now...lol. I do plan to take pictures at the end of each month so hopefully by the end of December I can post them on the website here. The good thing about the pictures is I have awesome cleavage to the point that they almost look fake…lol.

Do you know what the funny thing is? I know to a normal person I look gross in the new pics. But I am very proud of myself for how far I have come. Going beyond what I could imagine. When I was at my biggest I remember thinking that 180 was the lowest that I would ever be able to go, but when I did get down to 180 I realized there was more work to be done. Boy was I dreaming before, but that's okay, when you meet old goals you make new ones.

And to report in for today I am off too a great start I did go to the gym and kicked my own butt on the treadmill and now my feet are killing me (I guess that comes with the territory), and I have brought my lunch and will cook dinner for the rest of the week. Go me, go me! I've updated my stats so I can be honest with myself.

Yeah, so...

2006-09-27T13:57:00.000-04:00

I thought I was scared straight. With my recent behaviors, I guess not. I simply can not make myself go to the gym or study for the CPA exam. I mapped out a nice plan which even included tv time. So why can't I follow it? I figure it's because I'm not really ready to change. I say I want to, I make steps in the right direction, but I never follow through.

Lately I've been coming up with every excuse in the book as to why I don't feel like getting up and going to the gym. Part of my new plan was to go the strength training group classes instead of doing it on my own. I realized why I didn't do it in the first place. I don't like going to classes by myself, or I feel like everyone is looking at me, that and the classes are too crowded. Silly I know. But I feel comfortable when I go to a class with my sister and she's the sweaty person next to me.

I took the day off of work yesterday because I am in danger of losing vacation days because I have almost accrued the maximum. I accomplished nothing but sitting on my rear all day, eating what I shouldn't I already made my free day Monday. Dinner wasn't bad though. I finally cooked the chicken I had been marinating for the past two days. It was pretty good, a little dry (my fault) but good. I had a baked potato with it but for some reason they were hard even after I cooked them a little longer. Oh well I'm stuck eating it for the next 3 days.

I got a new associate today at work and I have been talking to her all day long not accomplishing anything. Maybe when the new associate comes it will cool down. It has too because we don't have very much time to complete the audit.

Hopefully I can put in a better effort tomorrow.

Scared Straight

2006-09-19T11:16:00.000-04:00

This pass week was TOM and I normally gain a few pounds for a few days and then it goes away. Well, after two days they were still there. Not only were they still there they had invited friends! So my weight one night was 189.6lbs. Yikes! No to make anybody feel bad but 190 is the weight that scares me. It says to me hey you're not to far from 200 and beyond. I told myself that I won't go back there and I don't plan on it anytime soon. So, Saturday I went grocery shopping for good foods for the following week. It's day 2 and I'm doing okay.

I had a slight slip last night. I will blame it on my mother for instilling in me to never let a bargain pass me by. So in the end there are two pints of my favorite Haagen Daz Caramel Cone ice cream in the freezer. I had a few spoonfuls, okay heaping spoonfuls last night. But what made me feel better is this morning I was 185 lbs. again and I had a killer work out at the gym.

This morning was the first time back to the gym in a little over three weeks. So, I plan to take things slow. This week will be nothing but cardio. I am doing this because I think I have made weights my copout from doing cardio. That and I have to start slow because the reason why I started to not go to the gym this last time was that my body was so sore that I couldn't move well.

I will make a strong effort to stay on track. I don't anticipate any job related drawbacks in the next few months. So maybe I will be able to lose about 10lbs. We'll see.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2006-09-13T11:29:00.000-04:00

I am sad to say that this is the only reason why I'm posting, but to put a positive spin on it. I am 25 today and I weigh 185 lbs. This is the lowest I have weighed on my birthday in pretty close to 15 years, yeah you do the math. Granted I am not at my all time low but I am happy with me. I still feel that I am beautiful and confident, and I hate to say it, but I look pretty damn good in my clothes.

The good thing is that I am celebrating my birthday today. It always seemed to be either on a weekday or I was out of town not close to friends or family. I am so excited. My family is playing hooky tomorrow, so they don't have to go right back home. And part of my surprise is my mother coming too. She hasn't been to visit me since I moved and that was over a year ago. My brother spoiled it because he told me my mom was coming this morning when he called to wish me a happy birthday.

It is all my sister's doing. She loves me. What would I do with out her. My best friend is coming too, so I am all too happy today. I can't stop smiling. Another thing is the calls and the emails. Sometimes you think that no one ever thinks about you. But they love me, they really do…lol.

It's funny since they are staying at my place tonight I gave my apartment a super overhauling. This is great because I haven't had the motivation to clean my apartment in weeks. Gross I know. The bad part is I didn't get to sleep until about 4:30am. and got up at 7:30am. But ironically I am okay. I haven't slowed down yet. I just dawned on me why. Last night I made ice tea from tea bags for the first time and what does tea have ladies and gentlemen? Caffeine. I'm special I know. I was wired.

So, everyone have a great day. Check out my twin at Reflected Thoughts (okay we just share a birthday…lol)

Diet starting soon I promise.

What Was I Thinking?

2006-08-29T11:23:00.000-04:00

Well guess what I did yesterday. I was leaving my apartment and getting into the elevator when I remembered that I forgot to grab my umbrella. So what does silly me do, put my hand in the elevator door as it was closing. No censors felt me so I was stuck. The elevator didn't move and neither did the door. I pressed the open button and that didn't work. So in the end I had to yank my hand free. Well with the yanking went a chunk of skin from my middle finger. So now I only have feeling in about a quarter of my finger.

The nurse at the job said that is was because of the missing skin, that’s why I'm numb. And today I still can feel anything. So if it is not okay tomorrow I will be going to see a doctor. The only thing that I continue to think is what possessed me to think I could open the door. The world will never know. Because I don't…lol.

Well before this I was walking around like a crippled woman because I overdid it two days last week at the gym and my legs have been so sore that I can barely walk. How nice. My weight is pretty much the same and my eating is okay minus the chocolate chip banana bread I made…lol. I had to try my mother's recipe and I had a pretty ripe banana hanging around so it was calling me.

Well I thought…

2006-08-16T17:23:00.000-04:00

I thought I was doing very good at the beginning of the week. I went to the grocery store I bought healthy things. I even bought items to make a salad everyday. Do you know I chopped vegetables and grilled chicken for the entire week. I'm also halfway to completing my workouts for the week. You might say what could be wrong then. Well let me tell you. After chopping all of those nice vegetable and brought it for a mid afternoon meal on Monday I realized I'm still not over my distaste for salad. I literally can't eat another salad because for some reason they just don't taste good to me anymore, probably because I ate them all of the time. That and because I didn't have such a good day at work.

Yesterday I found out what my pay raise was for the year. Let just say I was disappointed. Apparently getting promoted means nothing. With all of the firm's talk about being competitive and better than the average mid-size firm is all a load of crap. My friend left the firm to go to a smaller one and he's making more than me with a much less stressful life. Go fig. Oh the Icing on the cake is an associate a level below me I believe is making the same as me. WTF! Sorry, I haven't been able to shake this off and just focus on the future.

Well actually I am. Part of my buckling down weight wise I have included ways to study for the CPA exam. Yes, I'm still trying. The difference is I will actually take it and pass, one because I already paid for it and two, I've been putting this off long enough. I have been collecting head hunters to begin to see what's out there in terms of jobs. So far I wish that I went into financial services there are a lot more of those type of jobs in private accounting. I'm really starting to make myself focus on what is it that I want to do after public accounting. But the ultimate question I have for myself is how much more of this abuse can I take. I told my self 2, which really isn't that, but more like a year and a half. Technically by the end of March 2008 I should be fully vested to be able to take all of my benefits with me. And the thought that I can say that I have 5 years of public accounting experience does look nice on a resume.

Anywho, hopefully I can stay focused on my weight through all of this so I can truly make my next milestone. I know I dropped under 180lbs. for a day, but I didn't count that. I have to stay under for at least two days and continue to go down. But this time I know that for the first time I will make my birthday goal of being my lowest weight ever. I can do this.

Technical Difficulties

2006-08-10T09:41:00.000-04:00

Well yesterday I discovered why you should never piggy back your template off of another site's design. Well when I first was putting together my new template I couldn't find a houst for my template components so I would just use the one someone else was using and put it in mine.
Well the problem with that is when their host site crashes, part of my template disappears. Nice huh. Well now I can't find a background that I like so I am using this temporarily. I might even decide to change my color scheme. I'm thinking red, but I don't have that much time right now.
Eatin is okay for the past two days, though I have been eating a little too much of the good stuff. My mind is craving the gym so I know I will be back in that saddle soon.

I'm Here

2006-08-09T14:23:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to sit down and write much. I've been writing the same post for the past two weeks. I know I need to just be okay with just writing a single paragraph when I am busy. Well again there seems to be a change going on in my life and I seem to be somewhat confused as to what to do. So you go back to what you know. This is true in everything in my life.

Starting with my fitness regimen in terms of both food and exercise. I bought and returned the Precision Nutrition program. Not because I didn't think it would work but because I think it is for people in another stage of their fitness life. I think it is for people who are far advanced, people who are trying to see themselves at optimal performance and looks. All that and I don't think I could really maintain a diet such as that one and lately I've been spending money like I'm rich, I'm not, so I sent it back. I feel bad doing stuff like that especially since it was material that looked like it could be copied. Oh well they gave me my money back so I'm okay.

Last week I went grocery shopping and I cooked dinner. This is a great start to the week. The only problem was I was in training for most of the week so I didn't bring my lunch and I had after work engagements that lead me to not eat my dinner. This week is different because I am at a different client, so things will be different, not slower, at least not for the first few days. Change is good. I plan to start going to the gym again next week as things should have slowed down by then. I may even go on Sunday after church to start out the cardio for the week.

Well speaking of church this is the other "what I know". I joined the church I have been going to for the past month and started their new member classes this past Saturday. It almost feels like I just became a Christian again, well considering I haven't been doing what I should have maybe it is. I need help calming my mind. It's always going to the point that in the middle of the night when I wake up it just start going so I can't get back to sleep. The exercise will help with this as I should sleep through the night more often. I just remember that when I was involved in the church my life seemed much simpler and that I could handle more.

The three main topics on my mind are Numero uno - Work, Relationships, and generally where do I fit in. Well for work I just have this unsettling feeling that people might be unhappy with my work but I'm not sure. No one has said anything to me. But they don't always say something. Not until the crap hits the fan. So the feeling is just me waiting for the ball to drop. It may never happen. I know this is also coming from me feeling like I'm not good enough. All I have to say is comparing yourself to others is not a good thing, it only makes you paranoid.

As far as relationships go I am in a serious need of close friends or simply people to hang out with. A boyfriend might be nice, but I still want other friends. The people I know are so far from me that I can't just go over and visit with or plan stuff with on the weekend. I feel bad because I hope to meet more people at the church. I know that is not why I should go but it is a nice by product. There are definitely a lot of people that are my age that most likely know that there are other things to do other than just going to clubs and bars. I like to dance, but when I'm alone, so those aren't my scenes.

And lastly, I'm having some sort of identity crisis. I feel like I just graduated from college but I haven't and I can't call my self old either. I feel like I'm caught in the middle. What tipped it off was this guy that just turned 20 tried to ask me out. And when I ask him how old he was I was floor because I considered him to be pretty close to me in age. And then my sister is planning a turning 30 trip for all of her friend next year, in which I'm invited to, but I'm not apart of that group either. Not to mention all of the friends that I have are either married, in serious relationships, or have kids. I can't relate.

Okay I'm really rambling here, but these things have been on my mind constantly, making me feel slightly worried or more anxious for change. I hope this nervousness/self inflicted stress doesn't make my hair start to fall out again.

Anywho speaking of hair I cut mine. Not drastic for the normal person, but very short for me. See pics below. I know I look crazy I was stopping anywhere to take pictures on my camera phone before the wind really got to me after I left the salon. Later guys.

Downward Spiral

2006-07-24T15:01:00.000-04:00

That's what I've been on for the past few weeks. My life just craves structure and I haven't been giving myself it. In a way it has been good and bad as it gives me a time to relax and put my focus on other things and to really evaluate what I have been doing.
One thing I have been doing is trying to revamp my diet. I bought this book on the recommendation of one of my favorite bloggers. I was all pumped, but I don't think I am ready for that type of commitment. The program is Precision Nutrition. It requires you to eat a lot of veggies, which I should be doing any way. I guess I am to fixated on what I will be missing and what I can't have to see how this would me something very great for me. The program says that I need to start today, but I keep doing I'll start on Monday.
The very vain part of me has posed another issue. I just got my hair done. The cut is cute, it's flowy and is holding a curl (only a slight one in this heat, but acceptable). Because I want it to stay cute I don't want to go to the gym and sweat it all out because that is what my hair does. It's not fair. Why can't I have hair like white people where you can was and wear, leave the house wet...lol.
Okay I'll be happy with what I got.
In other areas, I have made it to church for three weekends in a row. And I am glad that I went. This week they are having various activities at night starting Tuesday where they have invited various famous preachers and singers. And I am actually going to make the effort to go. I miss doing stuff like that at church. I like being around like minded people who help to keep me in order.
Overall things haven't been going too bad except for my eating. I'll pull it together soon. Weight right now 183.2lbs. Not horrible gains, but I was so close to goal.

No Report

2006-07-10T17:12:00.000-04:00

So what have I been doing for the past week and a half? Nothing. No gym for me. I but ironically I managed to lose a little. So what does this mean? It is possible to lose muscle that fast? Tomorrow I am going back to my normal routine. I think my body needed a break. Everyday I was sore this is not normal after consistent working out. It was like a whole body ached even after getting enough sleep.

I was beginning to get nervous and think I had to go to the doctor because the sore feeling wasn't going away and it was a different type of sore, not like what I am use to. If it starts up again I will be going to the doctor.

This past weekend was a good one as I tried to stay out of my apartment for as long as possible and I accomplished this. Saturday morning I went to the movies to catch a matinee because only the first showing is considered a matinee. Hey I saved $3.25 and the theatre wasn't crowded. I went shopping for a new purse, not designer but I like it. I ate lunch and geared up for round two and headed to the mall. In the end I didn't by much, but it I was happy that I kept myself busy all day and didn't eat myself happy as I normally do when I don't leave my apartment.

Sunday I went to church for the first time in a while in the city and boy was the preacher speaking to me. The topic was "Casual Christians". I know that was me so all I could do was hang my head. I haven't been doing what I should and compromising where I shouldn't. I let a lot of things slide because nobody really knows what I do. I don't have anyone but my self to keep me accountable and you know I suck at that…lol.

I have been thinking of ways to do better and to meet like minded people. Hopefully I will put them into action as I should.

Why Can't I Ever Be Satisfied?

2006-06-30T11:32:00.000-04:00

This is my year for promotion. On average you spend 3 years as an associate before you can become senior. Well it use to be two years and some people still get early promoted. Well I heard that the chick that I was having issues with before might be one of those early promotions. At first I couldn't understand why this was bothering me, but then I realized that before even though she was trying to compete with me we weren't because I am a year above her. But now we will both be considered as first year seniors which mean we are now competing.
When it comes to work I am not very competitive. What you see is what you get I do my job and I do it well. I am not the type to be like "See, see what I am doing, look at me" all the time. I know that is how you should be in business but it's just not me. Or to take credit as if I came up with an idea all by myself when I just asked another manager. But that's what people do all of the time.
To a certain extent I like my job, but I don't want the stepping on each other type of competition that I know she does. I still don't talk to her like we are friends but she's bearable. But now when her ego swells I don't think I will know what to do. I just normally step aside because I'm not the type to fight. I will gladly move out your way. But I guess that it will always get me in trouble as someone's easy target to make themselves look good.

What is a girl to do?

I think I am also a bit put off because this was my time to shine but she'll get the thunder because she will be an early promote. Again which I don't think is fair because not everyone gets the same opportunity. If I had started on the job in my first year and not had other clients maybe I would have been promoted early too, but I wasn't so it's not fair.
I woke up early this morning and started thinking about it. I now it bothered me, but not this much, I guess I'm feeling really threatened. But again I shouldn't be because we are not up for promotion for another 3 years and who knows what will happen by then. I just don't want to be made to look bad in the mean time. The funny thing is that it isn't official yet, but I was informed by someone else that it most likely will happen. I know another thing she planned perfectly was the fact that she is pregnant right after I think they told her.
This is slap in their face number two. Last year they promoted someone early and then shortly after he left the firm. No to say that it can't be done, but now that she's having a baby she won't be able to be their like they want her to, yes she has a husband, but she's always saying he's the real bread winner. And she says she won't but she will be out for busy season and that's when they really when we need people. Again, we'll see.
Okay the emotions are written down so hopefully they can now be released.

Family Reunion Gone

2006-06-27T17:34:00.000-04:00

I love my family and can't stand some of them either…lol. I had a wonderful time the entire weekend. Where we were on Saturday it drizzled on and off while we were at our outdoor event. We were blessed with a good day in spite of it all. Each day I ate real good. But guess what I only gained .2 lbs. Go me go me! Okay, that is because I made sure I was moving my bottom everyday. I didn't sit down too much on Friday except to eat, Saturday you would have thought I was a little kid playing all of the games, and Sunday after dinner I got up and danced with everyone else. . So I am very proud of myself.
But you know what I wanted to hear, that I looked good and oh how have I changed. Well most of my family have seen me smaller but not this small so I got a few low compliments. I guess they didn't want to embarrass me. The family I barely remember feels the same about me (extended family), and all the rest remember me as the little girl (5 yrs old above) in the wedding but I am just much taller now. Ghee thanks. I forgot they haven't seen the in between. So this got me digging. Not that I showed anyone though, but I found a few before pictures, actually at my highest (240lbs. at the age of 14 or 15). The before pictures on my picture page are actually tame. I guess that is because I had lost weight previously and I was on my way back up until I had a reality check. So now you can see the ugly truth. Oh, I don't think I ever mentioned that I am blind, so you can see my famous grandma huge glasses.
Well at the bottom you can see me now. That me and my sis at the banquet on the last day of the Reunion. I guess I now can see why my brother said that I don't look like his sister anymore. I don't. I lived the majority (15 years, who's counting) of my life as that other person. These pictures bring up a few emotions for me. I remember doing a lot of crying and how much I thought people didn't like me, but I always had friends. Go fig. (In the black shirt I thought I was too cute last week, I was taking pic at 3am...lol) Did I say family can get on your last nerves, well they can. Out of my Mom and her 5 sisters, only one of them is not dramatic (I'm sorry it's not my mother...lol) Why do they have to put on a show every where we go. I bet you the distant familly thought we were a bunch of crazies. Getting all emotional over nothing. I guess you had to be there. Speaking of crazies.I never really though it was true, but every family really do have crazy people in them. I won't go into detail but just say they were married into the family and we had to watch out for the kids as well as our belongings. Who knew, I always though, "not in mine". I was in for a rude awakening. Well at least I can say that they are not even on the same family tree branch that I come from…lol. Now go look back and for the between the pictures. I already did. And did you see Dee's last comment on my blog she said I look like this season's America's Next Top Model winner, HEY! Model in the house. Yall better watch out...lol. Okay, I know, only in my dreams.

End of Mini Challenge

2006-06-22T07:28:00.000-04:00

Well in the end I didn't make my goal of 179.6lbs. Today I was exactly 181lbs. I really can't be mad at myself over 5 weeks I lost 6 lbs. That's pretty darn good in my book. On my Ab challenge I managed to have 8 sessions even though I wanted 9, again good. I'm not giving up either. Just taking a weekend break, my family reunion is here.

I think it is suppose to rain this weekend and I think we had a lot of outdoor activities planned. So we will see how this turns out. I am really excited to see who shows up. The part of the family that lives down south thought that we were trying to out do the other host cities because our event are catered.

See what they don't understand is that we don't cook/grill for large groups of people (some of us can't at all). And we don't have houses with huge back yards like they do down there. I don't know all of the plans, but I hope everyone enjoys themselves.

The people that I really want to see, okay, that I want to see me are the family that knew me when. When pictures weren't my friend. Or those who remembered me as the cute little flower girl in my cousin Jackie's wedding. Yeah see how long you have to go back to see the words cute and me and the same sentence...lol.

I think the most fun and embarrassing part is my sister for the souvenir book dug up old picture of me. If she wasn't sharing them anyway she could have used them as black mail. I don't want anyone to see those pictures.

Ok people I must go to work now. I just have to get through to day and here comes my 4 day weekend. Lord help me.

What's Been Going On

2006-06-16T16:43:00.000-04:00

I have been fairly consistent with my eating except for a few ups and downs. I think I am stalling. I have actually been at 179.8 lbs. a couple of times, but because I haven't been there consistently or lower for more than two days I don't count it. I haven't reached my next milestone yet. Today I am 180.2.

My Ab challenge is still in effect but I have only completed 6 sessions over the past three weeks. I have one more to fit 3 more in as the family reunion is next weekend. I actually think that it has been helping. I have taken preliminary measurements which are showing good signs, but the best sign is my fitted size 14 pants are loose. Yay!

I am beginning to get to the point where I am feeling extremely tired which is making me want to not exercise as much, granted on average I only go 5 days a week. One day off during the week and one day off on the weekend, this works for me. But I'm not changing like I want to so I need to continue to push. It's getting easy to slip up and start back down that spiral.

I keep telling myself just imagine if I hadn't fell off before I could have been here long time ago and I don't what to be telling myself that in 3 more months.

Okay Lady FOCUS!

Delicious2Blogger Categories

2006-06-15T15:45:00.000-04:00

So let me tell about this awesome hack. As I said before I like the idea of having categories in a blog because they give you a quick indication of what is in the post. But because I am not really web design literate, I had to search for someone who is and has already done it. First, there is Fresh Blog who introduced the usage of Del.icio.us tags to create categories. The only problem was when you clicked on a category you were sent to a separate page away from your blog. And when using Delicious you have to post each post to their website. There was a button you could add to your tool bar which made it a little quicker, but you still had to enter the post information.

But along came Phydeaux3 and changed everything to make it look nicer, posting quick, and created a very easy to follow implementation guide. Let me tell you, after you have a Delicious account it takes about 10 minutes to put the hack into your template. He made it so you can add your categories in the link field while creating the post and have two word tags. There is a one click (okay two…lol) that allows you to post your post to delicious with out typing in the detail because the information has already been populated. When you click on a category it keeps you right in your blog, so there are no distractions. And last but not least your tags are automatically put in your sidebar with how many posts in that category, which can be customized.

Isn't this nice and all for free. The best part is he came and looked at my site to make it work and helped me fix other html problems (note: all I created by me…lol) while he was at it.

So a very special thanks goes out to Phydeaux3, now go and visit his site.

So What Do You Think?

2006-06-13T20:12:00.000-04:00

This is all of my hard work put together. If any has any trouble viewing the page please leave a comment.

I have been trying to get a three column layout forever which lead me to get a better understanding of tables vs floating columns. Another thing that I wanted was a calendar. So I don't know if anyone likes or dislikes that type of archiving, but lets see how that works. For some reason it only goes back for 3 years maybe because I don't have posts back that far. And the last implementation was that of categories. I always like that because it gave you a brief indication of what is in a post. The two cool sites used are listed in the links section on the left side of the page.

Again, so what do you think, do you like it? Okay, I guess it doesn't really matter because I do. My baby has finally been published...lol.

Soon

2006-06-11T00:53:00.000-04:00

My new blog layout will be placed in service. Hopefully later today or Monday. I am so excited because I have learned so much about html and css code and adding things that blogger doesn't make it easy to do.

I am working out the very last kink, but I am way to tired to continue. Off to bed now.

So Close

2006-06-06T19:29:00.000-04:00

For the past three mornings I have been 180.6lbs. I am so close to my goal that I can literally see it (If you drop the .6). I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. The road blocks are definitely coming my way. I had no intention of going home to visit until the end of June, but my friend says she need to put some miles on the car, (because it is brand new) so she was going to drive me from New York to Connecticut. Hey it's free, but the down side is that I have to eat what is in my Mom's house, be threatened with eating out both nights, and most-likely not going to the gym because I won't be able to borrow anyone's car.

Forget all of that I just want the scale to move so I can say I reached a new milestone. Mine you the last one was probably over a year ago. But progress is progress. In reality I don't ever think I really thought that I could make it to this point or imagine what it would look like. Okay, maybe I did and it looked a lot smoother in my head…lol.

I am reinstating last summer's wear a skirt once a week thing. I brought two dresses and one skirt this past weekend that were so cute and fit me nicely that I felt embarrassing girly. The best part was that when I was in the fitting room at an Anne Taylor store and modeling a dress for my friend and I told her that I don't think I liked it. This lady asked me what size the dress was as if she wanted to try it on. I was baffled for a second because she clearly looked like a size 10 or smaller to me. Then I told her a 14 and she quickly turned away, but just the though of her thinking we were almost the same size makes me smile.

And then I say, do I really look that small? Nooo. Will I ever be able to take a happy thought and just be happy.

No News Can Be Good News

2006-05-30T17:05:00.000-04:00

As of this morning I am back at my all time low 182.8lbs. The depressing part is (yeah, I know, always looking at the negatives) it took me 50% more time to loose the additional weight as it took me to take it off. And then I think, just imagine where I could have been.

Ok enough negative thoughts. Morphing into positive mode, today for the next three weeks I am starting my "ABSolute Challenge". I must complete at least 9 abdominal workouts over the next 3 weeks. I am willing myself to do this because I have been seriously neglecting my abs. When I look at before pictures and how much smaller I look, I realize that it is my abs that are different. Last year I was working on my abs even more than I did a regular weight routine.

So now I am ready to make that change. Hopefully I can make it stick and keep it in my routine. I think my biggest challenge is me in my own head. When I think about what I use to do with the trainer I think that I will look silly because the mat area is in the center of everything and the movements look a little funny to me or I need a partner. So, until I get comfortable enough with myself I will be doing the workouts in my apartment.

I know I have been saying that I am going to change my blog layout and I finally started it. I just have to put the finishing touches on it. Hopefully, people will like it, if not, at least I will.

Don't You Just Hate It When…

2006-05-22T10:09:00.000-04:00

You reach virgin fat, you pass it, and then you gain weight back. But the real problem is realizing that your old virgin weight is no longer your goal, but you have in fact you made it smaller which means it will take longer to get back to.

Lately my focus has been on sticking to a goal. Normally what happens is I set a goal, but as time passes I see that I won't be achieving it. So, I make the goal smaller which in the end I never really get to the newer goals either. So in my last challenge I never changed my initial end result. Even though I didn't make it I made a real effort to do so. I came within 3.5 lbs. Since, as you all know that I gain 4 lbs., I set my goal be the same as the last one and made the dead line to be my family reunion which is June 23. This is a nice 1.4 lbs. loss per week.

I know that this maybe setting myself up for a disaster such as binging, but I have learned that I don't like getting close and then setting myself back so far to the point that it feels like starting over again. So, ladies and gentlemen I will reach my next goal in the coming month. At the rate I'm going I think I will do better than planned.

Can’t Stop Won’t Stop

2006-05-18T07:48:00.000-04:00

This has been my attitude lately. For the past three day’s I have made it to the gym in the morning like I haven’t taken two whole weeks off. My body sure can tell the difference though. Do you know what is really sad? My calves seriously hurt and it is only from walking to and from work on Monday. I guess I did realized 1, how much you really walk in NYC and 2, how fast your body can take a step back in your progress.

Eating is okay during the day. It’s the nights that are the problem. I didn’t cook and I brought food home from my mom’s house which is of course full of carbs and definitely doesn’t skimp on the fat…lol. Love ya Mommy! I even passed up peach cobbler. I should have just added it to the pile. Ok the real reason is that I planned on making my own this weekend. But I don’t know because I have some old bread in there that would be perfect for making bread pudding. Both bad, but we shall see.

My mom hates when I say that I am turning into her, I guess because I say it with a bad connotation to it. Hey it’s her fault why I feel like I have to have dessert after dinner…lol. Ok I probably should blame my grandmother because she started it, she use to make all desserts from scratch and she would make more than one at a time. People don’t have that kind of time or patients anymore.

I guess my indulging in sweets is the reason why I have accepted only loosing on average a pound a week. I guess I have to tighten up if I want to do more

Why do I do it to myself?

2006-05-15T15:02:00.000-04:00

About a week and a half ago I had surpassed my all time low and reached 182.8, but you see what had happened was I went on vacation and became careless to say the least. And I some how managed to gain 4 lbs. as of this morning. Okay I know exactly how, I ate truly what ever I wanted with out thinking twice, okay I though once, but ignored the little voice…lol. I'm not back a square one but I feel like I shot myself in the foot.

I haven't been to the gym in two weeks and I honestly think that I have pains in my knees because of that. About a few years ago the doctor told me that I had slight arthritis in my knees but it should not be causing me any serious pain. So if I don't already have an incentive of just losing weight but now I need to rid my self of these extra pains.

For my vacation I didn't really go anywhere I only went to see my family for both weekends, one for my half sister's graduation and of course Mother's Day. One of the presents I gave my mother is to have her radio antenna on her car fixed. The reason why this is important is because no 60 year old woman should have the song "Riding Dirty" by Paul Wall and a whole bunch of other people, stuck in their heads. She can't change the station and they play the song all the time. It's a very ghetto song, but in a way it is very funny to hear her sing it.

Okay people, tomorrow I am back on track, no if ands or buts!

Drum Roll Please!

2006-05-02T12:53:00.000-04:00

I have officially reached virgin fat, uncharted territory, I am 184 lbs., go me! This is actually as of yesterday, but I haven't had the time to post. I am so happy and feeling weird at the same time because I can't really feel a difference. Or do I look any smaller. Now moving on to my next milestone, 180. I'm giving myself a month as I have only been losing slightly less than a pound per week. I remember the days when I use to think that 180 would be the lowest I could go without looking anorexic. But looking at my progress pictures I still have a ways to go. I do think that my fat percentage will come more into play than the actual pounds lost.

Overall other than that today isn't a good day. I am beginning to feel nauseous I have a headache and we have first quarter financials to go out and I am no where near done with my work. I'm feeling pretty miserable right now. Okay later people, must get back to work.

P.S. I just was about to post and I noticed this is my 100th post wow! I never thought I could keep much a journal for this long.

Is It Just Me?

2006-04-24T12:43:00.000-04:00

When I was heavier and that time of the month came around I never really noticed any type of weight gain, bloating, and serious cramping among other things. But now I get all of the above and worst of all the weight gain. I think my body likes to play mind tricks on me. I even got as low as 185.4 on Saturday, but this morning I woke up and BAM 187.6. WTF! I know it wasn't what I ate because I did pretty good over the weekend. Has anyone else experienced this change after losing weight?

I think what happened is I bargained with myself that if my weight was the same I didn't have to go to the gym this morning…lol. Never try to make a deal with the devil he will always cheat you…lol. But in reality after I was on my way out the door I started to feel the cramps so I knew what was going on. But honestly couldn't it have just been a half a pound because it took me a minute to get over the initial shock.

This past weekend was another rainy one, but overall it was quiet and peaceful. The most important thing is was able to go through the paper mountain that was forming on my desk. My favorite discovery was my apartment lease renewal that I have been waiting for, for about a month now. Yeah, I had it the entire time. The best thing is that it didn't go up that much. I estimated the 4.5% because it is the highest it can go according to NYC law for rent stabilized apartments. My last apartment would go to the max so that is what I expected, but not for me baby I only got half that, go me.

Ok time to blog surf, I still have a little bit of free time at work.

Beautiful Day

2006-04-20T22:19:00.000-04:00

What a lovely day it is today. It's supposed to reach 80 degrees and be sunny, but best of all I have absolutely nothing to do at work all day long. I honestly don't know when the last time that has happened, a totally stress free day. Mind you this is after my crazy Monday where I got up 4am to do some work, got to work at 9am, and then didn't leave until Midnight. The following two days I left at 8pm, ghee wiz. So now that there is nothing I don't know what to do with myself. Such a good feeling!

Other really great new is (drum roll please) the scale is moving and it's been the same for at least three days so it's official. I am now 186.2, a little less than 2 lbs. from virgin fat. What scares and excites me the most is that it is so close that I may actually move beyond it. Yay! What a concept, that and I might actually be, dare I say, (whispering) a size 12. The last time I saw that number I must have been 9 or 10, yes those are years old.

When I think all that I have done in terms of weight I truly amaze myself because I have no one but the blog community cheering me on. My sister is not the cheerleader type so I have to do it for myself. Two of my closest friends try to lose weight, but they are not serious about it so I don't think I can relate to them. I feel like I have to be there cheerleader because they are at least trying something.

Anywho, I really have nothing to complain about, life is good.
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Online, not at Work

2006-04-12T22:28:00.000-04:00

Amazing huh. What really amazes me is that I did not get on the internet to surf or do anything personal the entire day I was at work. Even more I can't remember the last time I have written a post at home. Yeah, I know that I said that buying a new computer would change everything, but I knew better.

Right now I am so anxious to take my measurements that I can't take it. I think I need some sort of validation because the scale is slowly moving. I guess I am so use to putting in any type of effort and seeing results. But lately this isn't so. My mind is going in all kind of directions as to what I can do to see change.

I don't think it is time to change my gym habits because I am just now pushing myself in my weight lifting work outs. I can go back to running, but my feet really hurt for a few days after. Even now when I am mostly using the cross trainer and the EFX my feet still feel a little sore at night or the next day. Does anyone know what I can do for that?

The change that I know I have to make is my eating and I think I am. Part of my problem is that I am a creature of habit. I have been eating the same thing for the first two meals of the day for the last four months. As for lunch I can't seem to get back to eating salads because I know they helped my results and increased my fiber intake. I also tend to eat a little too much and too many carbs.

What I know is carbs are not my friend, my body doesn't respond well to them, and yet I can't seem to push myself to eat more balanced meals. One of my favorite bloggers over at Born Again Gym Bunny is chosing a more vegetarian lifestyle and I would like to do the same. Oh no I'm not giving up meat but I want explore side dishes that are made of vegetable rather then starchy carbs.

How I'm going to implement these things I don't know, but at least I can start trying. Getting sleepy, Gnite.

I Bit the Bullet

2006-04-03T14:07:00.000-04:00

I finally took pictures. And get exactly what I was afraid of. That I have gone backwards in my progress. The funny thing is I know that I did, I know that I gained weight. but I guess what I hadn't realized is how much fat vs. muscle I gained. Technically I am the same weight in both pictures but I must definately have had more muscle in the first.

I can't let this get me down. I know what I have have to do. I must get control of my eating. I got the gym thing down, so it must be the other part. I have some competition coming my way so I really need to get in gear.

My sister she is my competition. Granted she was just pregnant, but after having the baby she is already back under 200lbs. Yes, I call her competition, but I am routing for her to win. She is suppose to be smaller than me. I want her to be confident again. I want her to be happy especially with all that just happened.

Overall my whole family is doing well health wise and with everyhing else. I couldn't ask for anything more.

1st Quarter Gone

2006-03-31T12:21:00.000-05:00

Can you believe it a whole three months went by in one long blink. I would be lying if I said not much has happened. My favorite thing is I didn't give up on my weight loss efforts. This is the first time I started in January and didn't quit soon after or quit when work got rough. Yes, I was out of the gym an slightly off of the diet for two weeks, but when I say quit I mean I'm out for at least a month or more. I'm down about 5lbs. from the start and have lost more in inches. I am still having a hard time to believe it, but I can only be proud of my self. I really need to take some progress pictures but I haven't and I don't know why. Am I afraid of what I'll see? I don't know, but I need to get over it. After the gym tomorrow is the plan.

Weight wise I am doing well but work wise I have a lot of fear for the unknown. I have been trying to fight the responsibilities that are coming to me at work, but then again I think I am ready for the challenge. It's funny how you get into the roles you were fighting without even realizing it. So here I am about to be a senior accountant, which is good news, but so much more responsibility. Well if anything good comes of this I will be getting a nice raise so I can ask for more when I leave…lol.

That darn CPA exam is still looming over my head. I don't know why can't I schedule in study time like I do everything else. This is my goal for 2006, pass the CPA exam. I need to make it a point that if I don't lose another pound I must pass this exam. I think I need to take the mind set that this is more important and that when it is over I can focus again on my weight. But then again I don't want to stop and hinder progress. I haven't hit virgin weight which is one of my short term goals.

Another goal is to get more involve in the church that I started going to. I really enjoy the services and I think I work well with a support group because it makes me feel better about myself by doing good things. I feel bad for the reason's why I want to get more involve it seems so selfish. Well maybe things will change and it will be more of a giving experience.

See you next month!

There is Good News

2006-03-24T12:44:00.000-05:00

I have lost at least a half of an inch all around my body over the past two months. Go me! I really needed that because the scale has bearly moved, so I was suprised when I saw the numbers. I make sure that I don't look at old measurements so I don't subconciously squeeze the measuring tape any tighter. Then my favorite part is I lost a whole inch on my thighs! More later.

Push!

2006-03-20T19:34:00.000-05:00

I need to tell myself that more often because when it comes to weights I don't think I have been pushing myself like I should. I honestly think my body thrives better when I focus on my weight training. I think lately I have been too focused on cardio to lose weight. I never stopped doing weights I just haven't made myself push harder. I do just enough, so my last two weight sessions I have done just that, push, and boy can I tell that I haven't been working out like I should.

So the scale has stalled a little bit but I am ok with that as I know that I have to get over that first hump when you are trying to build muscle I know it will go away soon. Not to mention that fact that I ate very bad Yesterday and the heavy food was still in my body this morning.

Speaking of food, I know I am my mother's child with this new obsession with making sweets. Yes, I know that I should not have them in my house but I couldn't resist. I had a taste for some bread pudding. I don't think I have had it since my grandmother passed away which has been about 7 years. I had my mother find her recipe. It was very relaxing especially when I got to mash the wet bread in my hands. I know I have had a lot on my mind these past couple of weeks it has all come out over the weekend between taking the long walk to the grocery store and cooking.

I was cracking up when my mom said that my grandma had a bit of a sweet tooth and that she put too much sugar in the recipe. I listened to my mom and didn't add as much, but Grandma knows best! I should have listened, it needs a little more sugar but it still came out good.

I went to church this yesterday in New York for the third time since I moved here (3 years). Shame on me. I say that because I grew up in the church and I even attended regularly through out college, but somehow when I got here I lost my mind. I didn't go wild or anything, but I haven't totally been me. I never went to church just because, I always left feeling better and not to mention the bonds that I made with people there. I missed it. Since the church is close enough to my apartment I know it will be seeing me again. Forgive me God for saying this, but do you know the best part is that I got home before noon. Don't act like yall don't know that at a black church you can stay there all day long...lol. This one has an 8:30am service and I didn't feel like I was missing out on a thing.

My sister is doing fine she is having a grave side service for the baby on Wednesday. She was telling me about the book mark that she made with the baby's foot print on it, his name, birth date, and a poem she made for him. I hope she will be alright, it seems as such.

I was informing my half sister of the service and all she could say was why was she doing this and that she never heard of anyone doing that before. I thought that was so callous. I don't care if I never heard of it before, but you go to be supportive. I think she would do the same thing if her son didn't make it. You would think having a child would make her understand. Maybe she never thought about that before and didn't realize how what she said came across.

I think that statement came across to me as it did because the first time I told her that the baby didn't make it she said she guess it was for the best because she didn't think that my sister was ready in the first place. First of all she doesn't talk or spend any real time with her to make that assessment. My sister is in her late twenties, well established, and in a committed relationship, while she on the other hand was 19 with a craptacular man as her baby father and just started college, and even now she still don't have things together. Granted she is about to finish her masters degree and is doing well now. She doesn't have a real job and never really have, so her situation is not any better.

I guess I am mad just because this is another example of me not being able to trust or rely on her when I need support granted it is not me, but this is her reaction. We are all sisters but it reminds me that we only have the same father and not much more. With my older brother and sister if any of us needed anything we know that we can rely on each other without question and I guess I wanted or expected to have the same relationship with her. I think this is the real issue. I guess I have enough family support.

Sorry for the sad rambling. I am hoping to start putting categories on my posts as a warning that they may not be weight loss related. But hey this is my blog, love it or leave. Thanks for listening, wait, reading...lol.

Not a Good Weekend

2006-03-13T12:47:00.000-05:00

My sister's baby didn't make it. Its heart stopped beating Sunday morning. I can't stop myself from crying for my sister. Again, she is more of a trouper than I am. She said that she cried herself out through the night. The horrible part is because she is so far along she still has to deliver the baby and she had to choose between inducing labor and having a normal birth or a c-section. I honestly don't know what to say to her because I know there are no words that can make her feel better.

And the doctors are like vultures not even giving her time to process anything. I didn't like them before hand they were all so negative but not giving anyone a real explanation of what was wrong, so if you don't know what is wrong it makes you think that it isn't bad. She named the baby Justin Everson, the middle name not her choice, we didn't like it before but I believe she gave in due to the circumstances. She's going to have a grave side service for the baby.

All she can ask is what went wrong, could things have been prevented especially since they have been constantly monitoring the baby's heart rate which has always been strong. I don't know. Just pray for her please.

Much Better Now

2006-03-06T10:29:00.000-05:00

The super stress is gone. Guess what time I got home from work this past Monday, 7pm! Can you believe it and yes I said home at that time. But as usual I have been squandering the time by watching TV. Staying up late and not going to the gym. No weight gain, but no loss either. I am mad at myself, but not really because if I was I would be more upset and ready to make some serious changes.

For the last six months it seems as if I have been in a consistent state of getting ready or preparing myself to start a diet. I need to be more focused. On Friday I was so ready to go for today, but my procrastination has gotten the best of me. Once again I waited to the last minute to do work. I told myself this was going to happen and you would think I would try hard so it wouldn't, NOT! I even bought food so I could make my lunch, but didn't give myself time to make it. The one good thing is I cooked dinner for the week last night, so I can at least give my self one brownie point.

I am so anxious to get back in the gym because I woke up this morning with muscle soreness from all of the errands that I ran this weekend, but I want it to be from something productive. Then again I feel like I did get a work out. My shoulders, forearms, lower back, butt, and calves all hurt, so I guess I just need to work out the other muscles and I can say that I have done a full body work out…lol.

In other news, my sister is in the hospital because her blood pressure was too high. The doctors think that she might have Preeclampsia. She's barely 6 months pregnant. I hope it is not that. I spoke to her yesterday and she said that her blood pressure and going down so she just might be on bed rest for the rest of her pregnancy. The doctors are thinking that they may give her a shot of steroids to speed up the development of the baby's lungs which means she will be delivering the baby early. This is all so scary, I can't imagine anything happening to her. So, if you could say a prayer for.

Hopefully, by the end of this week I can report some better news. Like a pound drop, yeah, that would be nice.

MIA, Sorry, I Couldn't Help It

2006-02-23T16:27:00.000-05:00

What a horrible few weeks. Okay only one was completely horrible the others were only a little. Let's just say it all has to do with my job. Which has starting me to thinking what is my next move and how do I get all of my ducks in a row for what can happen. One is passing that damn CPA exam. It is like that one dark cloud hanging over me. I won't give up I'm not a quitter (ok I can be, but that's beside the point) and it helps when you are trying to build your resume for the next move.

One of the guys that started with me says that he doesn’t think he wants it anymore. I almost think the same thing, but I am the type of person that likes to play it safe. And I want to finish something I started and did I mention safe…lol. I have come to realize that is what I do. I start something get comfortable and if it changes or my interest in it changes, I just drop it like a bad habit. I don't want to do that with this.

The guy I was just talking about was telling me about the personal skills/development class or series of seminars that he thinks changed his life and/or his out look on life. He genuinely looks happy and more comfortable. He was very vague about it and I looked at the website, but me being the thinker that I am is not sure something like that could work for me. I'm always trying to think ahead or trying to find out what is the real motive.

Then I was thinking it seemed like a cult type thing on how it passes through word of mouth and people join pay lots of money and then feel like your being robbed unless you are one of the gullible ones. I don't want to discredit this program because, one I am actually interested with the little information that I have, or maybe it is just curiosity, and two I know I need to make a change in my life but I don't know how.

Hopefully the worst part of busy season is over it is not officially over until the end of March. I started a new client today and I get to drive to work, well starting Monday. Speaking of Monday, it will be the day of beginnings like most Monday's are. Since I haven't been to the gym in a week due to the early rising to go to work and the late falling to sleep, and the visiting the parents, I will go back on Monday. I will start studying again for the CPA and well I guess that is enough new for now.

I didn't meet my mini goal of under 190, but I'm ok with that because I can say that I didn't gain any weight during busy season. Even though I have I can say at the end of it all I am slightly less from where I started. Okay I'll cut the crap, I started at 193.6, some how sneaked up to 197, and now I'm back down to 193.2 as of today…lol. Reading over various sites people have been saying that it is the person's honesty that keeps bringing them back to their sites. It is the person being real, so I will aim to not sugar coat things as much. I do have to say just imagine if I had not gone to the gym I would definitely be 10-15lbs heavier. Even though I am not that far away I want to make it a lifetime goal to never be above 200lbs. again with the exception of pregnancy because I don't want to starve my baby just because I made a promise to myself…lol.

Food Reaction

2006-02-07T13:37:00.000-05:00

I think my body had declared war on me. I have gone back to counting calories to give myself a better prospective of what I am eating. Needless to say my body doesn't like the decrease. I was so sick yesterday that I had to make sure I had a plastic bag with me in the car on my way home from work and when I got home I couldn't even sit up to watch TV. So, I went to bed with a trash can in front of me. I thought it was the lunch I ate yesterday, but I realized it wasn't. I went to sleep ok but I was so tried that I didn't even remember hitting the snooze button twice on my alarm clock, which means I didn't make it to the gym.

I got up and made myself a good breakfast this morning and had my mid morning snack. Then lunch comes and I'm suddenly ravenous. I'm getting the sick feeling again. I ate the soup with the intention of eating the sandwich in a couple of hours but that just might not happen. My body is saying feed me like the little shop of horrors plant…lol.

Hopefully the day will get better. On another thought, have you ever realized that the high school mentality never really goes away even in an office full of adults? Lets just say some comments were made the other day and I felt like I was in high/middle school all over again. And the little clicks drive me crazy.

The newest thing is my so called being anti-social because I don't go to lunch with everyone everyday. Going to the same unhealthy places day after day really isn't helping me and half of the time I just want to do something on my own. We are spending 12 hours a day at work. Let just say I think that is more than enough bonding time. That and the conversations have gone way off of the appropriate for work chart. And since that telling of my business thing that happened last year I don't trust any of these people.

In a way I feel a little sad about it because I want to get along with everyone at work, which I do, but the harder realization is that these people aren't my friends and never will be. They are co-workers, which means I need to develop my social life outside of work. This has always been a problem but it would eventually work its way out. But in the last 2 years it hasn't. Another thought to ponder on.

Good Luck everyone on the rest of the week.

Thirteen Minutes at 5.4 mph!

2006-02-01T17:36:00.000-05:00

I know I just reported the seven minute yesterday for two days ago, but I couldn't resist. I'm really trying to be a runner, well at lease a jogger. I could have went longer but because I was late to the gym this morning I only had 20 minutes for cardio so I had to make the best of it and boy did I. I think I could have lasted, my breathing was ok, but I'm not sure if my knees would have stayed with the program. I was starting to feel a slight pain.

I have had problems with my knees in the past to the point were I couldn't walk for an entire day because one of my knees couldn't handle the pressure. Today was the first time I felt anything running. Before when the doctors asked me if I had any pain when running I said no. They ran tests I had an MRI and the only answer I got was knees are tricky.

Any who, hopefully the slight pain was only temporary. And me on a bike, forget about it. I tricked myself one day into believing I could do it and about after a minute I said lets increase the resistance and 30 seconds later sharp pains were running up my legs. Never again I say. What's the difference between the motion of running, the eliptical, and the bike, I don't know, I just get bad pain on one.

So, I get a gold star today for running, hope everyone out there have done something to earn one too!

The Weight Fever Has Finally Broken

2006-01-31T14:49:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you these past couple of weeks haven't been good for my self esteem. For some reason I couldn't loose a pound to save my life. My weight has actually been increasing. Ughhh! At first I thought the scale (ok my body) just wasn't ready to release the weight, but then I started to gain. Then, I even tried to blame it on my braids, which at the most could only give me a quarter of a pound. So, I thought it is just a little muscle weigh gain. But noooo I continued to gain and almost 5lbs may I add. That 200 mark doesn't look and isn't that far away any more.

And on a side note, I was talking to my sister the other day and I made the comment that I don't ever want to be over 200lbs ever again. She said sarcastically "so what are you trying to say". Mind you she is now over 200lbs. I didn't want to make her feel bad, but I was really close to turning around and snap at her saying "Look you've been over 200lbs for less than a year, try being the for more than half of your life". Does she not understand that she has always been the thinner one? Even when she was starting to get big and we were taking a family photo that she didn't what to take her jacket off for, a tactful relative tried to make her feel better by saying what are you worried about your sister is fatter than you. Yeah I felt real good. Come to think of it I don't think she's a relative just a friend of my father's.

Anyway, this morning my weigh fever broke because I am back down to what I think is normal right now. The extra pounds are gone. That's the good news, the bad news is that I am right back where I started at the beginning of the month. On one hand I am proud of my achievement of seeing the majority of the days of January crossed out for going to the gym, but extremely upset that I have made no advances on the scale. Come one couldn't I have at least earned a one pound loss for effort? Of course not with the half attempts at eating right.

I will do good or pretty decent with my eating all day long, and then dinner comes and we have to order from somewhere. I try to make the healthiest choice, but it ends up not being such. The even bigger problem is wanting something sweet and I'm indulging myself saying that I have done good all day and it won't hurt, I'll just have a little bit. Not! I eat the whole thing all the time. So for me I can't have any dessert unless it is low fat, low calorie, and low in carbs…lol. The other problem is on the weekends not turning away from Wendy's as I pass it on the way home.

Overall I know that I'm not doing that bad, it could be much worse, and that I must stay motivated. I've been able to run for a longer period of time again. I'm up to 7 minutes right now. That may not seem like much, but it's big for me not being a runner at all. I let you in on how the rest of this week goes.

Running on Empty

2006-01-21T10:10:00.000-05:00

No posts simply because there haven't been anytime or more like energy to do so. But the good news is I have gone to the gym 6 days a week for the last two weeks! Go me, Go me! My job is definitely trying to hinder that and it is the reason why I have been running on empty. I work to 9 or 10pm every night then add an additional half hour to 45min commute home and then have to get up early in the morning to work out by ten to 6am.

Timing wise it wouldn't be so bad if I could get to bed right away and the big part is all the extra stress the managers are putting on us to complete work. Normally we would have a week or so do complete work once we have received the client financials, but we got them 5 days late but they only added two days to the deadline. Talk about stress. And the every 5 minutes looking for an update on status is driving me crazy.

The only reason I have time to type now is that it is Saturday the Senior Manger is not here yet and the client isn't working so we won't be forced to go and harass them.

Enough about work. I am learning to keep my focus because I want to pull one of my I'll wait until such and such time, but I know I can't.
Just imagine if I waited 6 - 8 weeks to start working towards my fitness goal, how much weight I would gain. You should see what we are ordering each night. It is not diet friendly and I am trying to do my best. The whole cook on Sunday for dinner for the week thing is out the door because I work on that day too and don't even have time to go to the grocery store.

I am not seeing as much progress as I would like but I must keep going, I've held things off for long enough now. I've lost only .6 of a pound over the last two weeks partially because my weight mysteriously jumped up 2 lbs. in the process. I keep thinking; just imagine if it wasn't busy season, this would be a piece of cake. (Sorry for the cake reference for you dieters...lol)

In other news, Mr. FB is sniffing around again. But I don't have time for him to even contemplate restarting anything there. He's more than enough drama than I can handle right now all by himself.

I have negotiated sometime on Sunday to get my hair braided. My poor hair has been traumatized by all of this extra sweating and me not having enough time to take care of it. This is something that I have searched for over the internet, but have not found an answer. How do people with ethnic hair handle their hair after sweating out their do's? I haven't found a solution. It is either sweat and have a bad hair day aka ponytail, or don't work out and look good, which isn't an option right now. That is why I have opted for the braids because they look neat and I don't have to worry about neglecting my hair or it looking completely horrible. But I like to wear my hair out, so if anyone has a solution please let me know.

I will probably not write again until next weekend, so until then.

Not Too Bad

2006-01-12T13:42:00.000-05:00

I have now made it to the gym 4 days in a row. But of course there is a new road block. There are just so many. Well this one is that I have to work on Saturdays 9am - 6pm, the exact hours the gym is open, for the next 5 weeks. So I say that I'll just work out on Sunday and let Saturday be my relax day. Wrong again, after this weekend we will be working Sundays too for a whole month. This is my life I have to accept it.

The good thing is that we only have to stay til 8:30pm during the week. I am ok with that because after 8pm my mind tends to shutdown towards work anyway. And then I think why don't I stay a little later during the week so I won't have to work as much on the weekends. See you have to understand the way my managers think. My understanding is that there will always be work on weekends no matter what, so why stress myself out during the week for only a hope of leaving early on the weekend. It's just not worth it.

Eating has been ok. Sometimes really good, sometimes a little bad, so it evens out eventually. I finally cut up the fruit I bought to eat with cottage cheese. Mind you I don't really care for the texture of cottage cheese, so I thought I would just blend it up with a little yogurt and I'll be fine. Well they tricked me. I opened the lid and thought it was small curd already so I could handle it. Wrong! I've been eating it just because I don't like to waste food, but I don't think I will be buying any again for a long time.

I watched the Biggest Loser couples last night. I though I wouldn't care to watch it, but it is still interesting. I am routing for the red team. I guess it is because they both seem so genuine and they look very happy with each other. And the fact that her goal is more than to just look good on her wedding day, but to be able to have kids got me a little teary eyed. But I think the blue team will end up winning it all because I taped the show and paused it right when they showed a glimpse of the final weigh in and the blue team woman looked very small like all of the contestants on season 2. So we shall see.

Here's to a better tomorrow.

Things Are Working Out

2006-01-10T20:43:00.000-05:00

So far. I did go to the gym on Saturday and of course I felt like I was superwoman and that I hadn't lost any stamina since being away from the gym. Well this morning was a rude awakening. It's my cardio day and boy not only could I not run as fast but I was out of breath after 20 minutes.

I like to go to the gym six days a week so I don't have to spend a lot of time in the gym when I go. So, I have 2 down and 4 to go. I want this to be the first of many Januarys of me maintaining my fitness goals what ever they may be.

The two obstacles that I have run into are me not being able to sleep and my laziness when it comes to food prep. I have been making myself go to bed somewhere between 10 and 11pm, but it takes me about an hour to go to sleep. And when I am sleep I'm either having a crazy dream or nightmare. Yes, all in the last few days. Hopefully I will get use to my new schedule soon. My food prep is bad. Good thing most of the stuff that I buy does not need preparation. I bought all of this fruit to cut up, but I'm too lazy to cut it. I was suppose to cook dinner on Sunday but didn't. I redeemed myself and did it after work on Monday, go me! I'm still fighting the what should I do for dinner but I didn't do too bad today.

The Ugly Truth

2006-01-07T12:03:00.000-05:00

I just updated my measurements spreadsheet and it wasn’t pretty. I can’t believe it took me so long to do this. I guess I was afraid of what I would see. It has been seven months since I have written down my measurements. Even though it says I only gained three pounds I’ve gained an inch over just about every part of my body, yikes! All I can think is I lost a lot of muscle and gained a lot of fat. Depressing, but motivating at the same time. I don’t have to stay this way. I know I can change.

Well this week was a trial run of how things would work out since I’ve gone back to work. I had decided that I wouldn’t go to the gym last week because my sleep schedule was so off. Each night I couldn’t go to sleep when I wanted to and I didn’t sleep through any of the nights. It wasn’t like I wasn’t tired either. For the first time in my life this week I feel like I have worked the entire day long. I simply had too much work to do to slack off. And I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel coming anytime soon.

It was funny last week because I didn’t think I would be staying late, but they fooled me. So we ordered dinner at night, and let me tell you my choices weren’t diet friendly. So that is another think that I realized, I can’t order with the group unless I absolutely know that I am going to choose something healthy. So I have decided that I must cook on Sunday for the entire week. I need to pack my lunches because I have been making bad choices there too saying “it’s not that bad”, but those add up eventually.

Today I want to go to the gym, but I don’t know what is holding me back. I think it is because I am expecting too much or I don’t really have a plan I want to use to make me ready to jump on the workout bandwagon. I’m going to go and I am going to start designing my plan today and I’ll hit the gym before 5pm today. I promise.

I’ve made my grocery list and that’s looking good. I know what I’m cooking and I’ve got pretty much all of my meals mapped out for the week so I’m moving in the right direction. I am tempted to take pictures today but I know no changes have occurred in the direction that I want, but again it is to show myself the ugly truth.

In last months Oxygen magazine they had this calendar in it that I am going put on my bedroom wall, so every time I wake up in the morning and think I don’t want to go to the gym I will just look at the fitness model of the month and remind myself that is what I want to look like, so I have to do the work. If it will have an impact we will see. I know I can ignore these types of motivation very easily…lol.

Last Post of the Year

2005-12-31T09:16:00.000-05:00

I remember last year at this time I was so afraid of being by myself. I guess I was feeling a little sorry for myself, why, I don't know. This year I could almost care less. I don't know what I am going to do tonight. I could stay home and finish watching the Sopranos season one for all I care. I'm slightly addicted. I never wanted to watch the show until now. Kind of like Sex in the City, I guess I don't like the show until it is over.

I should go to church, but it's not the same as it used to be. I remember going the first few times they had the watch night services and they seemed to have meant something. But the last time I went it felt like it was just a routine thing. Which I can blame on me self because it is about the attitude you bring with you, but again, wasn't the same.

I didn't meet my goal of being under 190 again, so I just plan to enjoy my last few days of freedom and will start kicking my butt when I get back to work. Why then you say? Work provides structure for me. I have to be up by a certain time which means to the gym by a certain time. At work I schedule my mini breaks from doing work in which I can in corporate my eating schedule. And since busy season is starting I know I pretty much should go to bed with in an hour from when I get home. See structure. Well this is what works for me if I stick to it.

What normally happens is I get greedy and want more sleep, so I steal my gym time, or on the other end I want to watch TV so I don't go to bed on time, thus not wanting to get up in the morning. Eating has never really been the problem. I just equate eating right with going to the gym, so if there's no gym I feel like I should slack off because I have already started the day off bad. I know those thoughts need to change, but they are really hard to kick.

I just need to put the focus back on myself and put serious effort into each work out. I was talking to my sister and I realized what was wrong with my half attempts at the gym over the past six months were. I wasn't really pushing myself. It was like I was going to the gym just to say I had gone and didn’t really try and didn't stick to my eating. In this coming year I must be more committed to myself and my health.

It seems when I was doing what was right for me everything was going well. When I'm not, I start kicking myself while I'm down. I have to stop that too. I guess in my last post I talked about the New Year and all of that stuff still stands. The year 2005 went by so fast. I've done a lot of great things, I've learned a lot about myself, and I can't to see what the New Year will bring. See you next year! Of course that will be tomorrow; you know I have to do the first post of the year too...lol.

Happy Belated One Year Anniversary!

2005-12-20T17:34:00.000-05:00

To my Blog! I'm a couple of days late. I didn't think I had started my blog until the very end of December, but something made me check today. Wow, what has happened over the past year? A whole lot. My favorite is that there was a man in my life even if it were for a hot minute. And of course, the reason for this blog, I reached an all time low of 185-7 lbs. (I didn't just say 187 because that was the low at the gym with clothes on) The emotional rollercoaster with my job; Moving into a new apartment, but not before I got robbed at the old one…lol; and the most resent being the coming change in my family with my sister being pregnant. Did I tell yall that one? Okay if I didn't there you go…lol. I'll save that story for later.

It's funny I remember asking myself around my birthday what was next. Now being more optimistic I am saying that there's a lot. I want to see more changes in me both physically and emotionally. I want to see changes in my environment, specifically in the people I hang out with. Currently there aren't many, so I want there to be more.

I sound like I am creating my New Year's resolution. In a way I am. I know there is always room for improvement, so why not start listing some goals to get me started. I'd also like to thank all of those faithful readers out there who even when I fall off come back to see how I'm doing, you guys are the best!

Here's to another year of blogging!

NYC MTA Strike among other things

2005-12-15T21:55:00.000-05:00

Here I thought that I wouldn't have to go to work tomorrow, uh yeah right. My manager keep dropping hints and even made sure that I had a way to get to work. Tomorrow is going to be a mess with people trying to pack onto trains. I think it is going to be worse than a packed subway car. I just pray all the perverts stay home. I've been groped more than once on the subway, ick! Just the thought of it.

I'm kind of torn on my opinion of the MTA workers striking. On one hand I say fight for what you think is due to you. Then I hear on the radio that the workers make between $45k - $60k, free benefits, free metro rides, and all without having to have a high school diploma. What is up with that? Then again one might say they won't go much further than that and it's a job that many don't envy. So in the end I don't know.

Tomorrow is Friday, so I must think positive. I'm going home to visit my family this weekend only because I said I would go see the play "Wicked" with my sister. I've seen it before, but it is so good that I would recommend anyone to go and see it. As much as I love my family, I really don't want to be there three weekends in a row. I may have to rent a car just so I can come back and take a break. We shall see.

As a side note, for everyone who read my previous post earlier, sorry for not checking it after I uploaded it. It looked like I stopped in mid thought. All fixed now.

Who Knew?

2005-12-14T21:46:00.000-05:00

That you could lose weight by just changing your diet. The scale is moving and in the right direction. I didn't expect to see anything on the scale just yet, but hey I think it likes me for once...lol. I've been doing really well with my eating over the past few days. The gym on the other hand still hasn't seen me. Baby steps I guess.

Things in general seem to be lightening up. The heifer at work has finally calm down, but the work load is getting heavier. I guess it can't all be good. Now it seems like I have a little too much time on my hands in the evening. I should go to the gym, but it will wake me up and I won't want to go to bed. Something has got to give.

Lately, I have been really emotional while watching tv. I cry at stupid things. It's bad enough already that I talk to myself a lot, but now I am reprimanding myself out loud because I can't understand why I'm crying. My sister says Virgos are sensitive and I never really thought I was or at least not when it came to stuff that matter. If it's about me I can hold tears and repress feelings, but when it is someone else I'm bawling.

A perfect example was on Thanksgiving we were watching the tv show "Everyone Hates Chris" and the scene comes when the fathers are arguing and agree that the sons can't see each other after school and the sad face that Chris friend had made me tear up. And of course I get laughed at by my family for such silliness. I remember that it made me tear up because I know how lonely the kid must be being home alone after school wanting a friend because that was me. So, I guess the things I'm crying over I feel some sort of connection to, but it's becoming annoying.

Hopefully I will get over this emotional thing soon.

My new computer is lovely, and you would think I would get on it everyday, but I still don't, I think it is because I have been with out one so long at home that I forget what I can do. Another thing to add to my list of things I want to do, post more often.

When You Fall Off Track

2005-12-11T10:00:00.000-05:00

It just seems like you can find your way back. About two months ago I said that I wanted to be at least 180 by the end of the year, a month ago I said 185, and now I just want to be back under 190, which means I have to lose at least 3 pounds. I laugh at myself because the closer I get to my deadline the higher my scale creeps. My goals are always reasonable, but they aren't if you're not doing anything about it. So again here's to another week of trying.

Last night I realized I have a lot more issues than being fat. Because last night I went out with my group of friends from work, granted half of them left the firm already, but for the first time I didn't feel like the fat girl of the group. No it gets better, now I'm the single girl that can't find a boyfriend to save her life...lol. Two of the couples were married and the other one is living together. Normally there's another single person but she couldn't make it. So even though I had a great time last night, there was that ever nauseating lovey dovey stuff going on. (excuse me, dry heave)

I'm happy for all of them and I enjoy their company. I made the mistake of asking if they had any single friends available, I'm not sure I really wanted to know...lol.

I went ice skating yesterday in Bryant Park. It was so much fun, a little crowded, but manageable. I've been once before, so I thought I would be a pro, NOT! I hugged the edge of the rink for at least a third of the time we were there. But then I got the hang of it. One of the guys there keep taking my hat and chasing each other around the rink, so basically playing tag. Then I fell and lost all confidence in my skating. I didn't get hurt too bad, so I eventually I got back out there.

I thought I would be really paying for yesterday's activities through a sore body today between the skating and the wearing of heels last night. But no, I'm doing pretty well except for the after affects from having too much wine...lol.

That's another thing I felt so grown up yesterday, out with married couples drinking wine, going to a very nice restaurant, what's happening to me! I guess growing up has to happen eventually.

Control

2005-12-08T18:21:00.000-05:00

Control what I can accept what I can't. This must be my new mantra. (I think I come up with a new one every month…lol) I can control what I eat, how I exercise, when I study, and the various other choices that I make. I can control what anybody does or say against me. I say this while I sit her at work thinking of what was really meant by things said. It will only drive me crazy.

Tonight is our Christmas party I don't plan on getting drunk, I don't think I ever plan to, but I will make sure I don't. I don't need to provide my co-workers with anymore funny stories. I feel like I'm becoming my old self and not wanting to be social. Ok at least not tonight. I don't feel like it, I think it is more that I don't feel like smiling in my co-workers faces, I'm beginning to feel like I am a joke to them. This may not be true but I don't feel like anyone's on my side anymore or a friend.

The odd thing is the guy who has been giving me this extra information, I don't trust him anymore. As an after thought I noticed he was glad to dish the dirt, but would want us to all get along. It's like one minute he was like yeah you're right, but probably in the next saying the same thing to the other girl. I feel like I let myself fall into a trap that I simply can get out of.

The Godly part of me tell me to be still, but then I hear my sister's voice telling me to be proactive in this situation because I don't know what the other girl has been feeding them (the managers). I guess I'm just really confused. I want to stop thinking/writing about this but it just doesn't feel like it is over. Well the good news is she should be gone from this client by mid February. And the guy is trying to get out before then. In my mind I'm thinking good-bye to both.

On another sour note my clothes are not fitting me so well, I am noticing a difference. Oh noooooooo! Lol. I must fight, da da da, for my right, da da da to beeeeeeeeeeee thin.

Not A Good Start

2005-12-06T21:53:00.000-05:00

This morning was horrible. The subways that I take were really a mess and it took me 2 hours to get to work. But once again, that's not all. About 45 minutes into the trip I started to feel nauseous, then came the shakes, the cramping gas, and last but not lease the cold sweats. There was not were for me to go on this packed train so I see a spot on the floor that I could maybe fit into but I know I really can't I didn't lose that much weight...lol. So I just drop to my knees and a seat generously appears. I get so mad at myself for appearing to be weak and of course the tears are flowing, chest heaving due to the heavy breathing. And of course everyone is looking at me which makes me feel worse.

I get off when we finally get to a stop and strip out of my outer wear to get some air. My entire shirt is damp and I am still shaky. A feeling that stayed with me most of the day/ This is the second or third time the has happened to me, but not to this extreme and I always feel better as soon as I sit down or get off of the train. I know it partially has something to do with me not eating breakfast, but that can't totally be it because it would have happened everyday. I must go and see a doctor.

I'm afraid that I might be on my way to having diabetes. I'm definitely not an expert, but both my mom and dad have diabetes, these spells that I am having and the fact that my extremities are always cold like my blood isn't circulating properly. Yeah I know I'm being paranoid, but this scares me. I thought today what if something did happen. Who would they call? There is no one here that could drop what they are doing and come to my aid. But then I think of my family and I know that would drop what they were doing in be on their way in a heartbeat, 2 hour drive or not.

I don't know why this is making cry while I type this. I guess it is the thought of how blessed I am to have a family that loves me, cares about me, and will be there when I need them as I would do the same for them.

So where do I go from here? Eating better and more frequently through out the day to keep my blood sugar level. And of course exercise, both being the very things that I need to be doing anyway. I guess my body is saying if I won’t listen to reason then it will make me do what it wants…lol.

1st Post

2005-12-04T14:36:00.000-05:00

On my brand new computer, woo who! But let me tell you it has not been easy. I purchased it on black Friday like I had planned to, and my friend offered to bring it back to New York for me. So that Monday I started to put it together and come to find out they gave me the wrong machine. Now I'm pissed, but then the Circuit City out in Queens did not want to take it back because I had opened box. How was I supposed to know it was wrong without opening the box, the specification were almost in fine print. So, I had to lug the big box on the Subway to a store in Manhattan to exchange it. But that's not all. I get this one home and the sound doesn't work. Oh brother! This time I could bring it to a store close me, change it out, and now all is good with the world, until I get to the internet functions and protection. I spent most of this morning dealing with that.

But now finally I have time to type, so here I am. Again, I will try to hit the gym in the morning with my new MP3 player. I'm so excited! I need to release some stress, last week just seemed like a dosey. I took a few good naps, so I'm well rested.

I think I just need to relax my mind and be confident in what I am doing in all aspects of my life. And making sure I can be the best me, so no matter what anyone else says I can keep my head lifted high.

I've been feeling slightly down lately. I guess because yesterday I was reminded that friends aren't forever. My best friend from college and I are so different now when we were so much a like only 2 years ago. I spent the day with her and her friends and I just remember feeling like the tables were sort of turned. In college she was my best friend but I also was involved in so many things that I had a great network of people to talk to and she just simply didn't get out much. But now it seems as if the shoe is on the other foot.

To see her as a social butterfly made me miss my old life. I just don't know how to change it. What should I get involved in? Then I thought me and this other lady that works for the company I audit were getting close, but when we went to lunch we didn't have much to talk about. So, is it me? I think so. Just getting my thoughts down. Hopefully things will change soon.