I feel like I’m a fraud. I posted my before pictures a couple of posts back to make myself feel better and pretend like I have really accomplished something. The truth is I haven’t. The bulk of the weight I have lost was between June and July of last year, I’ve only manage to lose an additional 10 lbs. since then. Then I got those pat on the back type comments and now I feel bad. And to top things off I am not less than 200 lbs. because when I notice that I wasn’t gaining weight when I was eating horribly I continued to do so. And now that the stress load has slightly lightened up, so has my weight.

I’m trying to figure out what I do to motivate myself again. Obviously nothing I have tried has work. Ok let’s be honest, have I really been trying to do things better? Not really. Ding, ding, ding! There’s my answer. I have to begin to make positive changes again. I have this awful all or nothing theory. If I don’t go to the gym, its okay to eat badly, if I eat badly, I don’t deserve to go to the gym. I think I see it as some weird punishment where I’m only hurting myself. I guess that’s the point. Deep down I don’t think I really believe that I can reach my goal of weighing 160 lbs, so let’s save myself a lot of wasted time and effort.

STOP! No more bad thinking. Now that I’ve gotten that out, I can just let it go, hopefully. Suck it up self.

“Ok soldier, you will be up at 5:30am to go to the gym and you will like it, so what if you eat bad tonight, it won’t matter, you will just have to pay for it in the morning. And if you don’t go in the morning you better think twice because don’t think you are going to be able eat what you want and get away with it, if so you are sadly mistaken.”

“Do you hear me soldier? I thought so.”

Ha ha … I crack myself up. I really need to be sent to someone’s boot camp, I think it will do me a world of good. Later.