Well I haven't gotten much more work done, so I guess now is as good as any to finish the post. To get back to more of what this blog is about. I have gained an immense amount of weight. I've managed to gain 20 more pounds (gasp!) I know. Ladies and Gentlemen I am officially back over 200lbs. I know I said that I would never do that, but here I am. Never say never.

It started right after the funeral. Like I said before, ever since I've been staying with J it has posed a lot of problems for me in terms of my physical health. The first part is my horrible eating. I blame J saying that he wants me to be fat and happy, but it's not him. I'm simply happy and eating too much on my own. The funny thing is I know exactly what I am doing to myself, but I'm pretending not to see it.

So the Dominican Republic trip came and went. It was so beautiful and a much needed vacation, I have taken on in almost two years. Ironically I have 4 trips planned and at least 3 has or is going to happen. I am definitely a beach girl and I love to go in the water and try to jump over the waves. We went out, but spent a lot of time at the resort which is fine with me because I don't have to always be on the move.

We did go on two excursions, one was deep sea snorkelling and the other was ATV riding, which was so much fun. The snorkelling was fun even though the waves were really rocky our tour guides were nice to take our underwater cameras and take pictures for us by getting up really close to the fish. The ATV riding was by far the most fun I have ever had on an excursion. I guess I know how motorcyclists feel when they are riding. I told everyone the next trip we plan I am going to do it again even if no one else goes with me.

I'll have to post a few pictures later to show everyone me in all of my glory. I still wore the bikinis. I guess I felt comfortable because there were a lot of people looking horrible, and not to mention the excess of boobs hanging out, so I just figured there was a whole lot worst.

While on the trip my cousin's left side of her face went a little numb on our last night there so she was panicking. She thought that she might possible think she was having a stroke. Well she could move everything on her face and the rest of her body was not affected. But she wouldn't let it go so she wanted to go to the infirmary at the resort. Her main reason was because she didn't want to die on the plain, because there were no doctors on board because on our way down a lady had passed out and there wasn't a doctor to help. Even though the real trouble that she drank too much on an empty stomach. Different problem.

So after the doctor had checked her out she said that there was nothing wrong with her and to see her normal doctor because she might have circulation problems. But she didn't believe that she was fine so she stayed in the room the rest of the morning, my sister was sleep from being up with her, so I went to the beach one last time.

Well she made it through the flight. We got to J's house to pick up my sister's car, went to CVS to download all of our pictures onto one CD and then the left for home (I'm in NY, they're CT). Come to find out the next day that they didn't get home until 4am from 7pm the day before. Normally it is a 2 hour trip max. But what happened is my cousin started to panic again and wanted to go to the nearest hospital because her chest was feeling tight. So they go to an emergency room in a town they don't even know where they are to sit there when they could have just gone home.

She ended up seeing a doctor at about 1am that told her the same thing after taking a bunch of tests. So by this time my sister is pissed and I can't blame her. The situation made me feel like I'm a little callous because I don't think I could deal with her and I would have left her alone like I did, some family member am I.

I guess I reported this story because the main reason why she was panicking was because she is extremely over weight so she thought all these things could happen, heart attack or stroke, because she's so big. This all makes me think that I need to get this under control before I feel like my life is at risk because of what I am doing to myself.

My cousin and sister both joke "See what happens when you fall in love, you get fat". Then my cousin proceeds to say I was a size 14 when I met my husband, look at me now that could be you. She's like a size 28, but I think higher. J says he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am. That's all well and good, but I don't want to get that big.

I've been in a pissy mood (according to J) since yesterday and I have, but part of it is I feel like my life is somewhat out of control. Or that I'm not in control. On Friday I was discussing with J that I need to make changes because not only am I gaining weight, but I am trying to study for the CPA exam again. I don't exercise, eat well, or study like I am suppose to when I am with him.

I told J normally what I do is a complete shut down of everything that is hindering my process. Part of that would be me not seeing him, but I wouldn't want to do that. And we both agreed that this is something that I have to do. I will still see him on the weekends, but no more staying at his house during the week. He's fine with it so I feel better because normally when I say that I am going to stay home he gives me this look like "why?" with a puppy dog face. But I have to admit I like staying with him. Mainly because it is someone to go home to every night and he's actually excited to see me. I guess it is an ego booster.

So tonight I go home. I'm not going to say that tomorrow is day one, because I am going on my family reunion in Texas this weekend and then starting the following weekend for a week I'll be in Virginia on vacation with J. So my goal is to make better decisions for the next two weeks until I get back from the last trip.

I'm sure there are pieces that I have left out, but there is always tomorrow.

I really don't know where to start. This post will definitely have to be a two parter because so much has happened over the last two and a half months. Well lets start from the beginning. I last posted that I was going on a trip with J to the Hamptons. Well that never happened. That Friday before we were suppose to leave, we stopped by the nursing home like place his grandmother was in since she had a mini stroke. J lived with her and pretty much took care of her and brought her where ever she needed to go, so he couldn't leave town without out checking in on her.

On our way up there we got a call that we needed to get there fast. I hadn't met her yet so I stayed down stairs. J came back down, to let me know that they were going to move her back to the hospital and that we were not able to go on the trip. He left but soon after he did I heard emergency calls over the loud speaker and then two seconds later J was running by me, his grandmother on a stretcher on their was to the hospital.

At first I didn't know what to do because I was like he just left me there, but then I remember that he said that his aunt was in the room. I asked the security guard to point her out if she came by. When I was pointed to her I called her name and she knew who I was and was happy to meet me, but not on these circumstances. Come to find out the emergency room was right behind the place.

As we were walking there I was praying that God would give J strength because I knew he was going to need it no matter what the outcome was. When we got there, J was filling out paper work and all I could see were tears streaming down his face. When he had finished he ran to his grandmother only to watch while they tried to revive her heart with the electric shock paddles and then call the time of death. He came back out to the waiting room almost in audible to say that she was gone.

I didn't know what to do, how to console someone, or to be with someone who is experiencing great pain. He sat in the corner while his aunt was trying to get him to talk to her, which we later found out was that she didn't hear what he said when he first came out, until she went to look for herself. He walked outside and I didn't follow. I felt so out of place, I had to keep fighting back tears because I couldn't bear looking at his hurt face or remembering what he looked like when he first came out. When he came back I sat next to him and held his hand. No words could come to me. I knew there was nothing that I could say that would take the pain away.

We were leaving the hospital and his aunt didn't want him to go home alone, so I told her that would stay with him. I've been pretty much living with him ever since.

The days to follow were weird for me, because I feel like I was around for much more than I girlfriend should be. I went with him to pick his mother up from the airport, she was going to drive all night to get here until someone talked some sense into her. I went with them to the hospital to have the arrangements made for his grandmother, I went to the funeral homes to see where they wanted to go, I helped them pick out a casket, I helped them clean the house to make it ready for visitors, and I took off work to attend the funeral with him. All these things I didn't have to do, but I wanted to be there to support him. Then later they kept saying I was such a big help, they were glad I was around, and were just thankful for me being there. All I could say was "what did I do?" I didn't do anything, I was just there. They said that was enough. Even today J says I amazed him by what I did. He tells me now that I allowed them to not wallow in sadness, but to tell all the good stories about her because I had never heard them. I allow them to reminisce on the good.

I basically met his entire family and they kept pointing out to each other whispering "hey did you see J's girlfriend", "who?", "her", "wow". I felt kind of weird, so I asked J why is everyone doing that, his explanation was that he never brought a girlfriend around his family, but I'm not sure, that's it…lol.

I know it sounds bad to have a best thing, but the best thing out of this whole experience was being about to spend time with his parents, both sets, both his mom and dad married other people. They are great people and I love his mom and step dad, they really talked to me and tried to get to know me. I guess this meant something to me because it showed they cared, that they are involved with their son's life. My mom would have never asked J questions. It's not because she doesn't care, but that is not how she is. Maybe I secretly wish my parents were other people.

So all if this happened right after the last post; I will continue the rest later. I must get some work done now.