Well I haven't gotten much more work done, so I guess now is as good as any to finish the post. To get back to more of what this blog is about. I have gained an immense amount of weight. I've managed to gain 20 more pounds (gasp!) I know. Ladies and Gentlemen I am officially back over 200lbs. I know I said that I would never do that, but here I am. Never say never.

It started right after the funeral. Like I said before, ever since I've been staying with J it has posed a lot of problems for me in terms of my physical health. The first part is my horrible eating. I blame J saying that he wants me to be fat and happy, but it's not him. I'm simply happy and eating too much on my own. The funny thing is I know exactly what I am doing to myself, but I'm pretending not to see it.

So the Dominican Republic trip came and went. It was so beautiful and a much needed vacation, I have taken on in almost two years. Ironically I have 4 trips planned and at least 3 has or is going to happen. I am definitely a beach girl and I love to go in the water and try to jump over the waves. We went out, but spent a lot of time at the resort which is fine with me because I don't have to always be on the move.

We did go on two excursions, one was deep sea snorkelling and the other was ATV riding, which was so much fun. The snorkelling was fun even though the waves were really rocky our tour guides were nice to take our underwater cameras and take pictures for us by getting up really close to the fish. The ATV riding was by far the most fun I have ever had on an excursion. I guess I know how motorcyclists feel when they are riding. I told everyone the next trip we plan I am going to do it again even if no one else goes with me.

I'll have to post a few pictures later to show everyone me in all of my glory. I still wore the bikinis. I guess I felt comfortable because there were a lot of people looking horrible, and not to mention the excess of boobs hanging out, so I just figured there was a whole lot worst.

While on the trip my cousin's left side of her face went a little numb on our last night there so she was panicking. She thought that she might possible think she was having a stroke. Well she could move everything on her face and the rest of her body was not affected. But she wouldn't let it go so she wanted to go to the infirmary at the resort. Her main reason was because she didn't want to die on the plain, because there were no doctors on board because on our way down a lady had passed out and there wasn't a doctor to help. Even though the real trouble that she drank too much on an empty stomach. Different problem.

So after the doctor had checked her out she said that there was nothing wrong with her and to see her normal doctor because she might have circulation problems. But she didn't believe that she was fine so she stayed in the room the rest of the morning, my sister was sleep from being up with her, so I went to the beach one last time.

Well she made it through the flight. We got to J's house to pick up my sister's car, went to CVS to download all of our pictures onto one CD and then the left for home (I'm in NY, they're CT). Come to find out the next day that they didn't get home until 4am from 7pm the day before. Normally it is a 2 hour trip max. But what happened is my cousin started to panic again and wanted to go to the nearest hospital because her chest was feeling tight. So they go to an emergency room in a town they don't even know where they are to sit there when they could have just gone home.

She ended up seeing a doctor at about 1am that told her the same thing after taking a bunch of tests. So by this time my sister is pissed and I can't blame her. The situation made me feel like I'm a little callous because I don't think I could deal with her and I would have left her alone like I did, some family member am I.

I guess I reported this story because the main reason why she was panicking was because she is extremely over weight so she thought all these things could happen, heart attack or stroke, because she's so big. This all makes me think that I need to get this under control before I feel like my life is at risk because of what I am doing to myself.

My cousin and sister both joke "See what happens when you fall in love, you get fat". Then my cousin proceeds to say I was a size 14 when I met my husband, look at me now that could be you. She's like a size 28, but I think higher. J says he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am. That's all well and good, but I don't want to get that big.

I've been in a pissy mood (according to J) since yesterday and I have, but part of it is I feel like my life is somewhat out of control. Or that I'm not in control. On Friday I was discussing with J that I need to make changes because not only am I gaining weight, but I am trying to study for the CPA exam again. I don't exercise, eat well, or study like I am suppose to when I am with him.

I told J normally what I do is a complete shut down of everything that is hindering my process. Part of that would be me not seeing him, but I wouldn't want to do that. And we both agreed that this is something that I have to do. I will still see him on the weekends, but no more staying at his house during the week. He's fine with it so I feel better because normally when I say that I am going to stay home he gives me this look like "why?" with a puppy dog face. But I have to admit I like staying with him. Mainly because it is someone to go home to every night and he's actually excited to see me. I guess it is an ego booster.

So tonight I go home. I'm not going to say that tomorrow is day one, because I am going on my family reunion in Texas this weekend and then starting the following weekend for a week I'll be in Virginia on vacation with J. So my goal is to make better decisions for the next two weeks until I get back from the last trip.

I'm sure there are pieces that I have left out, but there is always tomorrow.