I’ve been away for quite sometime there has been so much going on in my life hitting me from every angle. I don’t even know where to start. It has been so bad that I didn’t even really have time to read other blogs, or should I say that I wasn’t up to hear about what was going on in anyone else’s life when I can’t seem to get a handle on my own. I normally wouldn’t admit it but I am so stressed that I don’t know what to do with myself. I intended to blog numerous times but could never find a minute or even really feel like doing it. I think part of it is I am afraid of what someone might say. I know they don’t know me but just the thought that someone is potentially judging me doesn’t make me feel good. It’s annoying to me because I have made so many changes over the past year especially with self confidence and accepting myself. But then again notice I am more accepting now that I have lost weight, that doesn’t seem right. But I guess I can justify it by saying that I have been doing what is healthy for me and that loosing the actual weight was a bonus.
So let’s start with the main reason why I created this blog, to acknowledge my fitness journey and to finding myself. I have been doing terrible on the first. I have been doing so bad I am lucky to still be below 190, ok bearly, I’m at 189.75 as of this morning. For weeks I’ve been eating horrible and I’ve only exercised about half of the time and not at all within the last 2 weeks. It is frustrating to know that if I was doing what I was suppose to, I could potentially be 10 lbs. lighter. What’s my excuse you say? Well I have many, some may not be good ones but they are what they are.
I should have started with the issues with my apartment because all of my other problems kind of stem from there. You should remember the first issue, that fact that my apartment was broken into in February. Yes, I put up a fire escape gate (they came through the fire escape window) and that gave me some sense of security until my sister's boyfriend came over to change the lock on my front door and opened the fire escape gate but couldn’t get it closed properly, but even before that he began to tug on the gate and said that if someone wanted to all they would have to do is kick the gate in. Yeah he tells me this why I have to live here alone.
Eventually I got over that, but if you also remember that the day after my apartment was broken into the ceiling in my bathroom began to drip, no pour out water. Ever since February the full leak has not been fixed. They said they fixed it and can’t understand why there is still water leaking and tried to blame it on the people upstairs. Saying that the leak is due to human error, they weren’t keeping the shower curtain in the tub and that there wasn’t anything that they could do about it. So meanwhile last month the ceiling in the bathroom caves in about 30 seconds after I left the bathroom. Now I’ve been calling and taking half days off from work so someone can come and fix it. And every time there is no one upstairs to let them in. This is all just to play with the water to find out what is causing the leak, I tell them it is when they take a shower but I guess that means nothing.
So now this is what the ceiling looks like now:
Horrible I know. And now dirt, debris, and water falls down into the tub and sometimes it starts when I’m trying to take a shower, so I’ve stopped taking showers there and have been showering at the gym everyday. This should be good, but the time it takes for me to actually shower and the stuff I have to lug there it is very time consuming, so lately I’ve been getting bold and just going there to shower. What really happened is I had my first yeast infection ever from hell and I got in the shower and my stuff was burning, so I thought it was from the shower. But in actuality my body’s chemistry has been thrown off because of the birth control that I am using. Yeah, another story there, I’ll get to it.
Part of it is due to me trying to get to work earlier to actually get something done. This is also causing me to be tired and making me not want to work out in the morning. The past week or so we have been working like it is busy season, and where do you think I am now? At work. And have been for the whole weekend. I needed such a break because I was about to have a mental breakdown. So that is what prompted my writing. My senior (the person above me) is an ass and suddenly wants to be nice and more accommodating because everything needs to be done by Wednesday. But before it seemed like he wasn’t doing anything. I almost still don’t think he is but what can I do. I also think likes me, so I started giving him attitude and he stopped and went back to being professional. They keep saying they thought everything would have been done by now, and honestly it should have, but I won’t tell them that.
I’ve just been bitter because the team was split in half and my team got more of the work so it looks like the other side is on top of there shit. But they were really done a long time ago and slowed down so they wouldn’t have to help us out. I really should say one person did this and I saw it coming a mile away from when I use to work with her on another client. That and she’s the biggest suck up/brown noser I have ever seen in my life. Her lip prints should literally be in our manager’s butt…lol.
The client I am current working is not a good place for finding healthy food and I haven’t been able to pack lunch because I am afraid to go into my kitchen. It has been taken over by pests. I’m not afraid to kill them but I get tired of it and don’t want to eat anything that I shouldn’t so I don’t even go in there now. All food is ordered out. See why I am surprised that I don’t weight more. Not only are there pests, but the mice are back too. When I came back from Memorial Day weekend there was a dead one on the glue trap and the next day I caught a live one in my bedroom. You can imagine I was a screaming fool especially because as I was trying to push it out into the hall, to push it into the trash compactor room when it decided to bit the broom in its defense. Ick! I am soo on edge looking for any movement in the corner of my eye.
You would think after all of this I wouldn’t have signed a renewal lease. I did this in the beginning of May before all of the last stuff happened. The straw that broke the camels back was my mailbox was broken into. And for some weird reason this makes me feel as unsafe as I did when my apartment was actually broken into. So now I am on a mission to get out of this place. My apartment search was taking away from my work because I wanted to jump on anything as soon as I saw it.
The guy I told you guys about before, I’ll call him FB, well FB helped me out so much in even getting me motivated to move and to really take my time looking and what I should be looking for because he has done this so many times and the last time was when he bought his co-op about 6 months ago. So in the end I’ve found a new place in a really good neighborhood, I have a doorman and yes finally I’ll have A/C. Thank God for that one because this summer is going be a hot one. The apartment is about $230 more a month but I think it will be worth my piece of mind. It’s a little smaller than my current one but I’m ok with that. It’s just me. And my commute to work will be about 15-20 minutes less. It is also 3 blocks away from my gym, so I am excited about that, but disappointed that it is so tight everything seems to be bunched together. I’ll do a bench press and knock someone out…lol. But again a price I am willing to pay. The funny thing is when I was looking and hooked up with a realtor, I got nervous every time he showed me an apartment with a fire escape. This one doesn’t have one, so that’s added comfort. The only bad part is I can’t move until July 15, which means I have to make it through 20 more days without any more problems, and part of that time I’ll be away at training in Dallas. So I pray to God that no one is really watching my every move. Maybe I'll ask my friend to stop bay every now and then just to checkup on the place.
See all this drama and it’s not the end of it. That’s just the physical and the obvious. The mental is me and my feelings for FB. I really like him but he’s already made it clear that he’s not looking for a girlfriend. I was like ok I can deal with that, but everything he does says the opposite. So my big dilemma has been what should I do? I’ve told myself that he is just a friend with really good benefits
, hence the birth control, mama didn’t raise no fool...lol. But can I really handle this type of relationship especially when he says one thing and does the opposite. He’s affectionate in public, takes me around his friends, ok only one so far, talks to his mother about me, planning trips for us in the future, I talk to him just about everyday in one form or another, and he talks about some of his deep issues dealing with his past, which to me means he really trusts me. What would all of this say to you? Ok I could be over reacting but I don’t want to play the foul either.
The true answer I am giving myself is hello no one else is knocking and hasn’t been for many years, so just chill and enjoy the present, it is what ever it is, why do I have to lable it. And then I say what if someone else does come along what are you going to do? I honestly don’t know. This all may seem light and not really stressful, and it shouldn’t be, but I am thinking about him all the time. I wish I didn’t but I can’t help it. It’s not like I haven’t talked to him, the outcome was he didn’t come at me waving himself as the boyfriend type and is enjoying the current situation and is not ready for a serious relationship. Maybe our definitions are different I don’t know. For me to call him boyfriend doesn’t mean I’m trying to marry him, so I don’t know. Maybe it’s my insecurities not allowing me to enjoy what’s going on. I’ve always been the friend, or ok to sleep with, but not the girlfriend. I don’t want to play myself.
So this has been my past two months in a nutshell. I don’t know what I am doing or where I am going. So I need to get a hold of the only thing that I know how to, my health and fitness. I’ll be back on track soon, I know I can.
Sorry for the novel and thank you to all of those people who consistently stopped by. Hopefully I can say that I’m back, I’ll try to keep posting. It will pick up soon.