The scale that is. Over the last week and a half I have almost lost a pound. Good because it is moving, but it sucks because I know the numbers have moved faster before. Well I have no one to thank but myself. My body has to get back into the notion of working out and eating healthy. Patience is a virtue. That's what I keep telling myself. I'm just mad at myself for waiting so long to get started again. I moved a month ago, but I only started last week. Ok enough bad mouthing myself. I have to figure out what am I going to do on vacation. I always give myself that time to do what ever I want, aka eat/do anything and not feel guilty about it.

I have a week and a half before vacation. I am so excited, I really need to get away. The last couple of days I've been feeling bad about myself. Not my body, but everything else in life. What prompted this was we found out what our raises would be at work. When I found out mine I was really excited, but when I heard what other people were getting I felt sad.

Well to begin with my rating was lower than the other people because I got a really bad appraisal from my last engagement of the year. What I should have done is fight it. But I didn't thinking that it would matter that much because I had other good appraisals. Well it did matter. But to be honest the difference in pay is about $2k, which after taxes is only about an additional $50 per pay check (yes I did the math, I'm an accountant...lol). So in general the difference is small but it is a difference that I could have had.

Then again the other side of me tells me that I didn't deserve it anyway. I know how I slack off and procrastinate, I know my work could be better, but I don't know how to break the cycle. Even now I told myself today that I will go to work and put in a full day's worth of work, but no, here I am updating my blog. I haven't accomplished anything yet.

All of this has been on my mind and then I have to add studying for the CPA exam in there. There are just not enough hours in the day. But I know I could make it work if I truly wanted to. I would have to make sacrifices, the main one is giving up watching TV during the week. It's just like getting up in the morning to go to the gym I do it because I really want to. So I have to come home and have to really want to study. I have to pass the rest of the exam. I want to be able to have more options if the decision to leave the firm is made for me.

This has me thinking about my whole life and how I have been lazy my entire life. I have only made it to where I am because I am smart. It definitely had nothing to do with effort and hard work. I don't think I know what those terms mean, maybe in the fitness realm, but not anywhere else.

I've been on a reading frenzy again and the book that I am currently reading is An Ordinary Woman by Donna Hill. In the end the book had me thinking who am I? I don't think I know. But the character Asha reminds me of myself. I have this image that I present to the world that doesn't reflect all of the things that go on inside of my head. And her mother reminds me of mine but not to those extremes, but she makes me feel the same way. Good book read it, I finished it this morning.

I slept most of the evening away yesterday so I am well rested. I did a good weight routine this morning, and I ate a good breakfast. All is well with the world. I can't change the past, but I can make better choices today. That will be my new mantra. Have a good day everyone!