So it’s Valentine’s Day. Once again I will not be celebrating it. I never have and not from the lack of wanting to. Don’t get me wrong I love my self and I should do something nice for me, but I already do that. So, I will leave all of the excitement to the couples out there and hope they enjoy the day.
Interestingly enough I’ve recently found myself attracted to one of my co-workers lately. And I’m seriously trying to sort out my feelings to decipher what is it that I really like about him because I don’t think he’s all that cute. I’ve been working with him for the last month, but only since last week have I found him attractive. I think it started when another co-worker and I were looking at him and she thought he was attractive and I said I didn’t, but for some reason now I do. That and the fact that I think he’s attracted to me as well. I’m thinking that maybe it’s his personality; he’s a very nice guy, tall (6’3” which is always a plus), and he has a decent build, but he’s generally not my type.
Of course, like I always do, I over analyze the entire situation before I am even asked out. I think of what everyone else would think, which seriously shouldn’t matter. I’ve began to feel that with all of the standards I have, I’ll end up by myself.
The main issue here is that he’s white and I’m black. And as I’m writing this I am realizing that it is my own issue, can I be comfortable in my own skin. I know someone might say why am I putting myself through all of this torture when I’m not sure that something will develop here. My answer is that I don’t think this is an issue that will go away especially with my environment I am sure there will be other white men that I’ll be attracted to.
I could easily pass my issues off on my mother because I know she would have a mini fit especially about the blonde hair and blue eyes part, but I know not for long. I know she’s has issue with white people because of the times she grew up in, but she is more tolerant now. I start to wonder if his friends and family would be as accepting. See I’ve prepared my friends and family letting them know that find myself attracted to white men, so it won’t be a surprise for them if I bring one home.
I talked to my sister about it last night and she just kept telling me that is doesn’t matter what other people think I’m the one who is in the relationship. She used here boyfriend as an example she pointed out his stomach, that everyone wouldn’t find his Buddha belly attractive, but she see the whole package, a strong man that treats her right. Funny, but I get the picture.
I know it’s the year 2005 and this should not be an issue. I know I have become more comfortable with myself. Most of my friends here in the city are white and they are the people I hang out with. At first I felt a little awkward in the bars. I would always be conscious of how many other black people would be there and noted that there weren’t many. Now I don’t care as much and I’m out just to have fun.
At first I wasn’t going to write anything because I felt that I was being silly, but hey this is apart of me whether I like it or not.