There's been little and so much activity going on at the same time. Of course the part that is lacking is my food and exercise. I won't be my ultra thin self by the time of my trip as there just isn't enough time. I'd still like to lose about 10lbs. just to feel confident.

So what has been going on? I've been dating someone. He's my first real boyfriend as an adult. I say first because the other guy I had mentioned before, I could never call my boyfriend, it was more like Musiq Soulchild's "Buddy" song. Anywho, this is such foreign territory that I don't know what to do with myself. He's really into me. I hate to say it but I think I'm falling for this guy and want to run away at the same time.

I analyze everything. I didn't realize how emotional I was and how things can happen and alter my mood completely. The other thing that I am noticing is that I have some serious trust issues that I don’t think I know how to get over. I don't think I trust him. Not that he has ever given me a real reason not to. I just can't seem to believe him even when I think he is being sincere. I have this feeling like he's putting on an act. He's acting too perfect. That and I'm projecting my feelings from the last guy onto him.

Even when I realized that other guy was playing games with me I chose to ignore what I knew. He was saying all the right things. When I replay things in my mind I feel like everything that was done was a set up so I'd continue to play his game.

I find myself trying to build a case against this new guy so I would leave him alone. The evidence right now is beyond weak. My favorite one, which my half-sister said proves to me that I am selfish. I hadn't talked to new guy in a few days, two and a half almost three, and I began to think that he doesn't really like me he and only talks to me because I call him so why bother. I told myself that I did my part in leaving a message and sending a few text messages and no response to either.

So, he sends me a text message in the evening of the third day saying that he had strep throat and sorry he had fallen off of the face of the earth. In my mind I go "yeah and you still couldn't call me?"…lol. Just take some of that throat spray and you'll feel better. Mind you I didn't know the symptoms of the virus until my sister told me. So when I did I then I felt bad for thinking bad of him. But when he says he went to the doctors I thought he had enough energy to drive to the doctors, but not enough to give me a call back. Selfish I know.

Why am I looking for things? Why can't I just be happy? I don't know.