Well in effort to begin the new me I've started a brand new website. So if there were any readers out there email me with your website address and I'll send you the new website address. Thank you for reading and see you on the other side. here's to an unforgettable 2010.

I really miss blogging, but I feel like I would be doing nothing but complaining and I want to be positive and make progress. Well that is very hard when you aren't trying hard enough. Since the year started I have been trying to get myself on track to no avail. I've been buying healthy food, but it goes bad before I eat it. I think about going to the gym all the time. Well mostly when I am at work, but of course I don't have gym clothes with me and the fire in me has died by the time I get home, and then I decide to go in the morning, but I roll over at the thought. It's not because I don't wake up. My husband's alarm clock goes off at 6am everyday, so it not that I can't get up I'd just rather turn over and go to sleep. I've come to the realization that I have to just do it whether I like it or not. If I give my self a choice I will 95% of the time select the wrong one.

I know I have many things to motivate me, but they just don't seem to be enough and if those aren't what is. The two biggest are that I want to lose weight before my husband and I start trying to get pregnant and the other is I've started dancing at church. It's called liturgical dance and I've been dying to do it ever since I started attending this church, but there is a long process that you must go through (more about that later). The dances have a lot of choreography and the latest one is killing me so much so that I die about two thirds of the way through the dance. I MUST build up my stamina. The leadership team is continually asking us why are we here. The answer is to praise God. I wanted to dance to feel free praising God through movement. I am a pretty up tight, but when I have choreography I feel free and when the song we are dancing to really hits home and I connect with the movement I feel that connection to God, its indescribable. But I really can't have that feeling if I'm huffing and puffing.

I just celebrated by 28th birthday yesterday and looking at the number makes me realized that I am still young even though I feel older. My current weight is 248 pounds even. I have NEVER weighed this much in my entire life. I REFUSE to allow myself to become 250 pounds or more. If I don't have a good enough reason, that is one by far is the largest. This can not be my life, I can not continue to feel this way, I must take control.

Labels: Dance, Mood, Starting Over

Okay, right now I?m pretty disgusted with myself. I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 237 pounds even. What is wrong with me? I thought I was feeling the fitness and healthy eating bug, but it has not been converted into actions. So, today I have to devise a new plan and one that means no more eating out or limit it to one meal a week. I must stop thinking so far into the future and focus on weekly goals. This means that I must be held accountable for everything that I do. My husband was in shock that he gained 8 lbs. in one week and I was unsympathetic, but now that I?ve gotten on the scale and can see that I?ve gained 5 in one week, we both have a problem.

Just yesterday I was telling him how much I hate to cook because we have such a small kitchen (I mean less than 1 square foot of counter space) and the fact that he doesn?t like my cooking. I say this because every time I do cook he will always add something to it without even tasting it. He says that he does it to everything. I always tell him to taste before he touches it, but he says that?s just what he does. So in my mind that makes me assume that he assumes that whatever I have done or anyone else for that matter hasn?t done enough to make the food taste good and that is very frustrating to me. The final frustrating part is cooking is a long process for me that I don?t like to do often. So if I make a meal that would normally last me 4 days is gone in 1 because he eats so much or takes if for lunch the next day. It almost seems as if he has a contest with himself how fast he can eat us out of house and home?lol. So, if I cook and it?s gone in a day I don?t feel like doing it again and would rather eat out.

I told him all of this yesterday. He says that he can change, and that I haven?t given him enough opportunities. I know I like to focus on me because adding someone else makes things harder. How can I focus on two when I can?t even get focused on one? So then the problem shifts to how he always think about everything in terms of us and ours, while I?m still about me. First of all most people who are married have been together a lot longer to work out those kinks. Technically we have been together for 2 years and 2 months and have been married for eight of those months. He?s never really been by himself to have anything called his own and has had people to do things for him. I on the other hand have been living by myself for 6 years and have had a lifetime of thinking of others because I?m not an only child like him. As an only child you don?t have to fight for what?s yours in a family or for you place, so we are coming from two different backgrounds.

And then somehow he got on the topic of children. He co-worker is 3 or 4 months pregnant and was married after us. I was in shock because they didn?t even make it to their one month anniversary. Then of course my husband thinks that everybody gets pregnant in their first year of marriage or at least the crazies in his circle does. Then I ask him how long were they together. Well in the specific case that brought up the subject they were together for 5 years, HUGE difference, and some of the others were around three. We are close to neither one of those markers. He?s willing to wait, but it annoys me that 2 or 3 instances can prove a theory for him and become law and that the only reason he is waiting is for me. Hell I?ll make him wait longer to be spiteful. Okay I know that?s not nice, but we really need to work out us, have time for us, and get use to living with us. And not to mention, have a house with a real kitchen in it. Let us handle the basics before we move on to the more complex problems.

Labels: Babies, Cooking, Weight

This morning I am tired. I didn?t wake up naturally because I had to get up early to have some blood work done. In order to participate in the dance program at church I must have a doctor fill out a form which meant I must have a physical. Normally these things go very quickly so I never do them because I feel like what is the point. Well this time it was different.

First I was debating whether or not to tell her everything because it would hurt me if she told me that I couldn?t participate in the program. Then again if I didn?t and something is really wrong with me it would only hurt me in the long run. So I told her everything, normally I would forget the small things, but not this time.

I forgot to mention that it was my first time seeing this doctor and the last time I had a physical was 2003 maybe 2004. So I ran down my list of ailments. First, my knees bother me from time to time. I had an MRI done in 2002 and they said that there was nothing wrong except that I have slight arthritis in my knees ?but it shouldn?t be causing me pain?. Then, there are the pains that I have been feeling in my chest, sharp pains that take my breath away. And lastly, (sorry for the grossness) I see red stuff maybe blood in my #2. That?s all I?ll say about that?lol.

Well because of the heart thing I had an EKG performed and then she also did a sonogram of my heart, which I must say was pretty cool to watch. She found nothing wrong on each, so the last test is for me to have an EKG stress test, hopefully all goes well. That?s on Thursday.

I had blood work done this morning to check my sugar levels, thyroid, liver, cholesterol, and I few other things I think. We should know the results of those in a day.

The cherry on top is that I have so much wax in my right ear that she was surprised that I could even hear?lol. That appointment is on Friday. Well by the end of this week I should be fixed/diagnosed and hopefully cleared to dance.

I finally weighed in this morning and I think I?ve been the same weight for the last 2 weeks or so 232.4lbs. I must say I?m grateful and disappointed at the same time. I am grateful that I didn?t gain weight, but I?m upset with myself that I didn?t do anything to help myself lose weight. I have been watching what I eat a bit, but not enough. I have some pretty aggressive goals, so I must get to work.

My husband is helping me, he made an awesome dinner last night for the most part was healthy. He?s trying to become my inspiration. It helps, but I have to simply get up and move. Here?s to making better choices today.

I have created multiple things to motivate me to lose weight. I have three the first is my husband's 30th birthday is approaching and I want to him (okay me) to be proud to have me standing next to him. Secretly I want people to think how did he get her because she's so hot...lol. The next is we are going on vacation at the end of August for our first anniversary and I want to look hot. Better than I looked at the wedding. And finally my favorite is that I have begun to dance at church and it's really taxing, so I have to build up my stamina and strength. This means the by product of that is I will lose weight.

I think I am most excited about the last. Because I've been waiting to do this for so long. I use to dance at my church when I was in college and I loved it. There we called it Praise dancing. It's a whole new ball game now because they are very serious about technique at my current church and I want to get it. The performances will be in front of huge congregations. This makes me a bit nervous, but when I hear gospel music I want to move and in a group choreographed I think I will feel less nervous.

I'm currently in training, so this means I'm not 100% in but I'm going to try my hardest. My husband is really proud of me for trying out for something that I really want to do. I love that man. I honestly think I could not look bad in his eyes. That is why anything I say I want to do for him is really for me because he thinks I'm fine just the way I am.

Sometimes I think that this is trouble because I figure why work hard when I already have someone who loves me for me. But then I know if I don't feel good then it doesn't matter what he feels.

I currently have been feeling the bug that I want to hit the gym and hard, but I am having trouble with trying to determine what it is that I want to do. I have training sessions left that I don't want to use right now. I know I still have to call him, but then I don't want to because he'll say that I need to come in anyway. Which to me is wasting the sessions if I haven't been consistent. The starting and stopping.

I have done what I do best, spend money to get me motivated. I purchased an out fit to take progress pictures. I think I will take my start pictures tonight. I don't know if I'll post them just yet, but we'll see.

Have a blessed day everyone!

Labels: Dance, Motivation

Well I thought blogger was no longer blocked at my job, but it is. I've been meaning to come home and learn how to post from email, but I keep forgetting. I really don't want to be on these things after work. Maybe that's what I'll do weekly Saturday morning weigh ins and posts.

Well where am I in terms of weight I am all the way back at the beginning, meaning high school. After high school I was able to control more of the things that I did and had the freedom of being away from home and being able to learn about myself without harsh criticisms. Meaning my family. My husband says that they don't mean any harm but then again he understands where I get my bluntness from.

Anywho, This month so far I've gone to the gym 9 times. I know that it doesn't seem like much but it helps when your trying to motivate yourself. The eating hasn't been okay, but I'm trying to handle that now.

Yesterday was the start of lent and my church prescribes a semi fast for the 40 days. I call it semi because we don't fully give up food at any point unless you are lead to do so, but you do give up sweets, fast/junk food, and red meats and scavenger fish. My sister said last year that "That's not a fast, that's a diet"...lol. I kind of agree, but I get the point it is to help purify the body like a fast, but that's not all you are suppose to pray more during the fast as well as read and study the bible more. They even put out chapters in the bible to read everyday during the fast. I'm already behind in the reading because I can't find my paper. I'll have to get a new one and catch up over the weekend.

Even though I am not suppose to view it as a diet I can use it to reap the benefits. I've already gone to the gym 3 days this week and I plan to finish out the week strong by going tomorrow and Saturday.

I leave for another state on Sunday for my job, but I'm not worried. I know how to make better choices food wise and I've been there before so I know that the hotel has an awesome gym that I just have to utilize.

I told my trainer that I want to go back to boxing because I enjoyed it. He tells me it's for people with more stamina and who comes to the gym regularly. I asked him if I come to the gym for the next three weeks can we do it and he said he'll think about. I don't know I'm not feeling him any more. I don't know if he doesn't care or I just need to move on to planning my own workouts again. I miss lifting heavy weight and being about to chart my progress. With him we do so many different things that I don't know. That and his attitude was stank this week, he can be moody like a woman sometimes...lol.

Here's to staying positive and moving forward and learning how to post from email...lol. Later peeps.

Well I know it has been a long time, but I am trying to get back onto the wagon again.

The wedding was beautiful. I forgot a few things, but I'm not sure many people even notices. The day flew by so fast, but because of all of the warnings we received we made sure we ate the food we paid for...lol.

So I've gained about 27lbs. since the wedding. What's the reason you ask? Well I simply stopped everything again. I had my man, my beautiful wedding, what else could I ask for. Well now I know it should have been to maintain a healthy body.

I know I have to stop focusing so much on weight and more about being healthy and the weight will leave soon enough. I know that I always have, but it is really hard to start. I've been using sparkpeople to help me define and track healthy habits. But I still love my FitDay PC version, it has better metrics or at least the ones that I am use to.

I still have a lot of left over nutrisystem stuff so I believe I still will be eating it for the next two months. I don’t want to waste it. I thought about giving it to someone, but I would be upset if they didn’t use it properly especially because they didn’t have to pay for it. Is that wrong…lol.

I see my trainer again tomorrow. He was better this time when I didn’t call him. I guess he knows not to take it personally and that I was out of the country. I was in France by the way, it was nice. I have to have a talk with him, because I think he will be still focused on weight loss, but I really want to feel stronger.

I kind of miss working out with heavier weights and seeing how hard I can push myself. From what I remember about working out with him, I don’t have a way to measure progress, because we were doing so many different things. I’ll talk to him.

I really need to get back to where I was, I was a steady size 14 for the longest, now I feel that I might be a 20 squeezing into 18’s. I’m literally back at the beginning and I mean the very beginning, before I discovered the wonderful world of blogging and online support. I am going to say it. I am 230lbs. Okay it’s about 10lbs shy of the high, but around this is where I’ve spent most of my life. I didn’t like it then and I don’t want to now.

I will say I do have a different view of myself. Maybe because I still think sometimes I’m a size 14…lol. But then again, I know I am not as mean to myself and that everything goes wrong because I am fat. I’ve lived a little and have learned some things in the past 10 years. I know that being thin isn’t what going to make me completely happy. What happens is when you reach one goal that you think will make you happy another monster will pop up.

I know that now, my weight can’t make me happy, my husband can’t make me happy, the amount of money I make can’t make me happy, I need to just be happy and thankful to be me and be the best me.

Don’t ask me where all this is coming from, but I’m feeling it.

On another note, what prompted me to write is for some reason, by job no longer blocks blogger, so I am able to post. I not that is no excuse for not writing, but I do a lot at work, because when I go home, I do not want to even look at the computer.

Here’s to many more posts in the new year!