I remember last year at this time I was so afraid of being by myself. I guess I was feeling a little sorry for myself, why, I don't know. This year I could almost care less. I don't know what I am going to do tonight. I could stay home and finish watching the Sopranos season one for all I care. I'm slightly addicted. I never wanted to watch the show until now. Kind of like Sex in the City, I guess I don't like the show until it is over.

I should go to church, but it's not the same as it used to be. I remember going the first few times they had the watch night services and they seemed to have meant something. But the last time I went it felt like it was just a routine thing. Which I can blame on me self because it is about the attitude you bring with you, but again, wasn't the same.

I didn't meet my goal of being under 190 again, so I just plan to enjoy my last few days of freedom and will start kicking my butt when I get back to work. Why then you say? Work provides structure for me. I have to be up by a certain time which means to the gym by a certain time. At work I schedule my mini breaks from doing work in which I can in corporate my eating schedule. And since busy season is starting I know I pretty much should go to bed with in an hour from when I get home. See structure. Well this is what works for me if I stick to it.

What normally happens is I get greedy and want more sleep, so I steal my gym time, or on the other end I want to watch TV so I don't go to bed on time, thus not wanting to get up in the morning. Eating has never really been the problem. I just equate eating right with going to the gym, so if there's no gym I feel like I should slack off because I have already started the day off bad. I know those thoughts need to change, but they are really hard to kick.

I just need to put the focus back on myself and put serious effort into each work out. I was talking to my sister and I realized what was wrong with my half attempts at the gym over the past six months were. I wasn't really pushing myself. It was like I was going to the gym just to say I had gone and didn’t really try and didn't stick to my eating. In this coming year I must be more committed to myself and my health.

It seems when I was doing what was right for me everything was going well. When I'm not, I start kicking myself while I'm down. I have to stop that too. I guess in my last post I talked about the New Year and all of that stuff still stands. The year 2005 went by so fast. I've done a lot of great things, I've learned a lot about myself, and I can't to see what the New Year will bring. See you next year! Of course that will be tomorrow; you know I have to do the first post of the year too...lol.